All my feeling have been bottled up for so many years I just want to ramble on and on to someone but I donāt have anyone to talk to. The only two people I trust; my best friends, are always too busy since we have very different schedules and daily lives. Because of quarantine, I missed both of them very much so all three of us called each other everyday but I feel like Iām being really annoying. They and a couple of other friends are in a groupchat without me. I asked them if they can add me but they said I wouldnāt understand (theyāre all 1 or more years older than me) I know itās something stupid to be sad about but it honestly makes me feel really left out, like I donāt belong. My family wonāt really care about it. They always say thereās a lot more people who are starving and trying to find a home. I understand that but they always assume everything before I even have a chance to respond. Iām always that one kid whose parents wonāt let them go anywhere, I never even learned how to ride a bike because of that. That makes my problem with my friends even worse, they always meet up without me. Even though I consider them my best friends I feel like more of an acquaintance to them. My sister makes fun of me everyday. She says Iām fat, ugly, and makes fun of my acne which Iām super insecure about. Itās not like I just tell them because Iām that one person thatās always happy and smiling. My baby brother is only 6 months old but Itās most me that takes care of him since my parents are usually busy with work, I feed him, play with him, watch him, etc. My sister plays games on my momās IPad then when my parents arrive, she quickly leaves the game (sheās not allowed to use it) then rushes over to pretend like she was playing with the baby. After my parents would scold me for being irresponsible and how Iām the one thatās suppose to watch him. Even if I told them the truth, they wouldnāt believe me. Itās not always the middle child, Iām the oldest. I donāt want to bother others with my problems and troubles. Iām always listening to my friends and family but I never have anyone I could talk to. I really wish I have that one person I can talk to everything about and just hug heĀ® Ever since I was little, everyone made fun of my weight and my body so several months ago I wanted to change. That was when I started getting into K-pop so I started learning choreographies and dance in my room for exercise. No one knows about this because Iām too embarrassed to admit it. Iāve only lost 20 pounds in the last 8 months but I still look super fat to me. Iāve lost completely all motivation and I no longer continue dancing. Iām not the type of person to give up easily but now I feel like Iāve hit rock bottom, I would be starving if my mom didnāt make me eat. Iām not even allowed to close my door and stay in my room. I wish I can kill myself. I hate everything about me, my drawing skills have went downhill, my acne, my body, my skin, my face, my personality, everything. Every time I look into the mirror I see disappointment. My parents always told me I was pale, pretty, and super skinny when I was 4. I wish they just let me stay that way. The only thing thatās basically keeping my alive is BTS. I know, you donāt have to read this part but Iām not some 8 year old fan that loves them just for their looks. Their lyrics really help me and their smiles just fills me with happiness. Apologies if I sound like some other boy crazy girl. I wish I can meet them and tell them how much they mean to me and how much they really helped me love myself but of course I never can. They donāt even know I exist. Iām just some other army (fandom name) in the crowd. I wish I can be part of the army ocean at least once in my life. My birthday was 2 days ago but no one remembered. No one. I spent my birthday like some other day, chores, baby, cooking, and sleep. I donāt need fancy gifts or bought presents. All I wanted was just one simple āhappy birthday.ā
Welp this ended up longer than I expected but I didnāt really write everything I want to say but I donāt want to take up all of your time so Iāll just leave it here. It would really help if just anybody responded. I donāt want to sound desperate, you didnāt have to read this whole thing.
I have some experience with this stuff. My friend is very much like you, always lets others do what they want before themselves. This can be harmful if taken to far; let me give you some advice.
Please, take time to please yourself in some way. Make sure you are taken care of before you take care of someone else. You matter just as much as they do. No matter what anyone says or how someone looks at you, you deserve happiness.
As for the friend thing, I also have something to say. Why waste your time on people that dont put time into you? You deserve better than to be left in the dust. Try and find the people that bring you joy and make you feel wanted. If you dont like the sound of that, maybe confront them? Try asking them why theyre shutting you out.
My parents are also the same way. They yell at me if shut my door. My mom moniters my location when im with my friends after school. She limits my phone usage to 2 hours a day. I only recently got instagram, and Im a teenager with straight Aās.
I find a way to point out something ugly about myself in every photo. I hate how I look.
My sister, who is in fourth grade had a phone yet I got one in 6th with a shit ton of restrictions. They act like its not a phone just because she doesnt have instagram or snapchat. She can text, download any app, call, play games, everything. Without restrictions. Not to mention she has an ipad as well.
So yeah. I feel you :(. It sucks.
One more thing: listen to the kid laroi. He has some insane lyrics, I think youll like him.
If ya wanna talk to me on insta or anything you can ask. Ill be happy to.
Anyways, your amazing, your worth it, you matter, your beautiful.
Peace ā
I am sorry to hear all this. Also donāt worry about it being long think of it as a diary and pour your heart out anonymously if you want. I did it too. It helps process things out. This platform is so that people canāt judge you. Donāt worry if people think you are stupid to like BTS, if you write too long or if you do k-pop.
Why is it that you have to starve to be healthy. Not eating is such a bad way to handle your health dudeā¦ I think you might have done that so that your parents give you attention and you get some love out of it or maybe because you are really very insecure of your body. Let me tell youā¦ you are a responsible kid who does more work that most of the people around you. If you are getting suicidal thoughts then seek more help. There is nothing wrong with it.
Iāve been experiencing this too. To give you an idea: Iām an only child, my parents werenāt strict, but I was the one who wanted to make them feel proud of myself and that made me pass on literally every single opportunity to be a teen. I have friends, some are kinda close, but it has gotten to the point I feel Iām just bothering them with my problems (that seem to never end) Iām not posting this anonymously because Iām looking for exactly that: someone that listens, that wonāt judge. I know what itās like to carry all the familyās responsibilities, but sadly it has gotten to the point Iāve reached rock bottom. I know you want to be helpful, but please donāt lose yourself in the process of pleasing others. I wish someone wouldāve told me this when I was younger. If you ever want to chat donāt hesitate to write to me. I