All my feeling have been bottled up for so many years I just want to ramble on and on to someone but I don’t have anyone to talk to. The only two people I trust; my best friends, are always too busy since we have very different schedules and daily lives. Because of quarantine, I missed both of them very much so all three of us called each other everyday but I feel like I’m being really annoying. They and a couple of other friends are in a groupchat without me. I asked them if they can add me but they said I wouldn’t understand (they’re all 1 or more years older than me) I know it’s something stupid to be sad about but it honestly makes me feel really left out, like I don’t belong. My family won’t really care about it. They always say there’s a lot more people who are starving and trying to find a home. I understand that but they always assume everything before I even have a chance to respond. I’m always that one kid whose parents won’t let them go anywhere, I never even learned how to ride a bike because of that. That makes my problem with my friends even worse, they always meet up without me. Even though I consider them my best friends I feel like more of an acquaintance to them. My sister makes fun of me everyday. She says I’m fat, ugly, and makes fun of my acne which I’m super insecure about. It’s not like I just tell them because I’m that one person that’s always happy and smiling. My baby brother is only 6 months old but It’s most me that takes care of him since my parents are usually busy with work, I feed him, play with him, watch him, etc. My sister plays games on my mom’s IPad then when my parents arrive, she quickly leaves the game (she’s not allowed to use it) then rushes over to pretend like she was playing with the baby. After my parents would scold me for being irresponsible and how I’m the one that’s suppose to watch him. Even if I told them the truth, they wouldn’t believe me. It’s not always the middle child, I’m the oldest. I don’t want to bother others with my problems and troubles. I’m always listening to my friends and family but I never have anyone I could talk to. I really wish I have that one person I can talk to everything about and just hug he® Ever since I was little, everyone made fun of my weight and my body so several months ago I wanted to change. That was when I started getting into K-pop so I started learning choreographies and dance in my room for exercise. No one knows about this because I’m too embarrassed to admit it. I’ve only lost 20 pounds in the last 8 months but I still look super fat to me. I’ve lost completely all motivation and I no longer continue dancing. I’m not the type of person to give up easily but now I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom, I would be starving if my mom didn’t make me eat. I’m not even allowed to close my door and stay in my room. I wish I can kill myself. I hate everything about me, my drawing skills have went downhill, my acne, my body, my skin, my face, my personality, everything. Every time I look into the mirror I see disappointment. My parents always told me I was pale, pretty, and super skinny when I was 4. I wish they just let me stay that way. The only thing that’s basically keeping my alive is BTS. I know, you don’t have to read this part but I’m not some 8 year old fan that loves them just for their looks. Their lyrics really help me and their smiles just fills me with happiness. Apologies if I sound like some other boy crazy girl. I wish I can meet them and tell them how much they mean to me and how much they really helped me love myself but of course I never can. They don’t even know I exist. I’m just some other army (fandom name) in the crowd. I wish I can be part of the army ocean at least once in my life. My birthday was 2 days ago but no one remembered. No one. I spent my birthday like some other day, chores, baby, cooking, and sleep. I don’t need fancy gifts or bought presents. All I wanted was just one simple “happy birthday.”
Welp this ended up longer than I expected but I didn’t really write everything I want to say but I don’t want to take up all of your time so I’ll just leave it here. It would really help if just anybody responded. I don’t want to sound desperate, you didn’t have to read this whole thing.