Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Actually I am having a really bad day today controlling emotions with respect to my ex.

I was in a relationship with a girl from 5 years from Jan 2014-Dec 2018. that girl was my best friend before getting into the relationship.

We had lots of ups and downs as usual in everybody relationship, but we coped up somehow.

Many times the mistake was from my side like not spending much time, busy in office work, not celebrating together, taking sometimes for granted, not making her feel special. there was some mistakes from her as well to be honest. But majority from my side. this is what i believe.

I think in 2018, she had lost some toleration limit or feeling suffocated dont know, she had started feeling comfort or liking with a guy who was her friend from school and was best friend by then.

She had actually said she was liking him in may 2018 and also there was many instances where in there was lot of contact with guy. but me being very loyal to her, she was loyal to me i believed and believe her a lot, ignored it as it is very common to like your friends irrespective of gender.

Even when she said this thing our relationship was totally okay and had no recent crackups. then in october- november 2018, we had huge fight due to my mistake that led to our breakup in december 2018.

We both tried a lot to save it, although the duration and weightage of try was different. where in she tried a lot and i was not still hit by breakup from dec 2018 and jan 2019, where in i tried a lot from feb 2019 and march 2019. but nothing could re-unite us. we were broken a lot and we had our own sufferings.

my breakup pain was not that much from dec 2018-jan 2019 and was progressively increasing from feb 2019 onwards.

But i was shattered to knowo that she got in relationship with the guy as i told before who was her best friend. I was shattered into pieces. She recently revealed that guy was in madly love with her from long time (even when our relationship was going on)

Being single (still single) , I had tried a lot to heal myself - having a lot of best friends I share with them, went through therapy, went abroad and came back. I feel okay sometimes, sometimes i still feel not healed and I feel terrible, even its been 3 years since breakup.

Even though i am struggling every now and then and even though my days are horrible, I never wished bad for her and always wanted good. somedays she just call me and blast me off remembering past and blames me completely, even though she has a relationship comfort, she is doing very good in life and even though she knows i am struggling, even though she knows i am not doing good in life, she still called me and blamed me top to bottom. 2 times with 6 months apart.

Even after these, i never hated or cursed her and stayed away from her as much as possible to not to hurt her current relationship and for the good of her. i even not blame or curse her for moving on so fast or falling in love with another guy. i feel it happens. it may have happened subconsiously without notice of themselves.

Now a days i feel inferior about my ex and hateful thoughts have started in my head. Have thoughts like I am struggling and she is doing so fine. Its all of sudden to be honest, i never felt so all these years. Now after going through a lot and have tried a lot to move on and have felt little okay compared to previous years, I dont know why i feel like this all of a sudden.

To burn me more, i saw her and her boyfriend on movie date recently where i just crossed the paths unintentionally. I could not able to take it and mentally shattered. This happened last saturday.

I have a lot of responsibilities in life right now with respect to my ailing career, my problematic home construction and this incident wonders me- “will i ever move on”

I am sorry if i have made you feel irritated by my long story or any inconclusive sentences.