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Anonymous

About me I’m 28 now and diagnosed with depression at the age of 12 and the struggle still continues. To add it to it anxiety disorder leading to chronic panic attacks began 4 years ago and it is something I’m still struggling to take control on. The medications and some psychotherapy are going on. But struggle continues. Each morning it’s like a battlefield going on in my head. It’s difficult to make the choice of going into the day to face my weaknesses. The other choice of not going into the day and just continue sleeping seems an easy option and quite often end up choosing this option over the first one. There have been multiple major life collapse instances and somehow made it back again because of the support system I have in my life. I’m on the verge of another collapse as because of my illness and frequent absences may cost my job which I had always dreamt of having and have already served 4 years. I’m really really scared that this is something I will really find it difficult to cope up. I admit I have suicidal thoughts as well. But have never gained courage to take action because all I can imagine at that moment is my parents crying inconsolably seeing me lying dead in front of them. Don’t ever want to let this happen in my life. I would rather accept the reality and look for other options. It’s difficult but trying my best to try to distract my mind and not let suicidal thoughts take control over me. I don’t open up easily with my parents. Without  their knowledge I have been seeing couple of psychologists with whom atleast I’m able to share what’s going inside my mind. I really have no friends no close relative with whom I can speak openly and also don’t talk much about my thoughts and emotions with parents lately because it’s already been 15 years they have been there for me but I really feel guilty on myself that I don’t want to become a burden on them now because they are also ageing and they also have health issues. In office environment hardly anyone sees me as a worthy individual. From the time people have known that I have mental illness people have either stopped interacting with me or have limited their interaction to very minimal. So there is no one to reach out for in the work environment as well. So with next to nil social circle I almost lead a lonely and isolated life feeling worthless helpless and hopeless often. But I really don’t want to make my mental illness my identity. I have already come to realisation over the years that mental illness like depression and anxiety are mental illnesses just like physical illness but there’s lot of stigma associated in the society. I know and always try to maintain just one thing let whatever bad happen due to my illness the only thing that I need to resist is suicide at any cost. But the fear is always there. So trying to take extra outside help from outside world.

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2 replies
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Anonymous

You’re so on the right path and such an inspiration. As someone who also feels the pressure to not burden her parents, I really quite relate to that emotion. I find it very difficult to make them privy to all that is going in my mind, sometimes what is going on is a lot to put into words. But when the stress of my own thoughts gets too much, to the point that it erupts in unhealthy ways, I have realised it best to let my parents in a little bit. Reading what you have written, I can see how understanding they are, so I would say that they’d rather be relieved to see you a bit more relieved. And as you said, everyone has health issues, trust me everyone has health issues, minor allergies to severe conditions, health is an ongoing process. So, just as you are there for them, don’t feel burdened to inhibit yourself from sharing something with them that you would like them to know. The stigma is very real. I could tell you that you would find someone who is nice and understanding, but the truth is that it is a lonely world. For almost everybody, and more so for someone with a mental health issue. Nobody cares to understand. And I don’t really know if you need to hear anything from me, but I want to tell you one thing. I feel like, you’re someone who understands their mental health, in a way that you are a great ambassador, a great advocate FOR mental health. Because I really think we all need a representative, who just understands what it is like and can make others understand. And then again, I’m not asking you to pioneer a movement, or putting the entire onus of reforming the whole situation but I feel like you’re someone who can. I just want you to know you’re not alone. You start as one, but when your conviction and belief is strong, others join you along the way. You’re doing great, really really well in fact, and I want you to know that and imbibe that and be proud of who you are as a person. Because what I see is a considerate, kind, confident human being.

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Anonymous

Hello there, many thanks for the reply. The journey of mental illness people may be different for everyone and maybe worse than mine in some way but the aim should be either to recover if possible or learn to accept the vulnerability and develop coping skills to sustain the beautiful gift known as life. This is what has been my learning through my journey. And now that I have realised that complete  recovery might not be an option for me I have chosen to accept my illness in a positive way. Even though I sometimes feel lonely and no one to talk but I just don’t care about people now who want to keep distance. I’m fortunate to have people in my life who believed in me and kept praying for me and kept the faith in me. My parents are on top of the list and they have been rock solid pillars in my life and that’s the reason I have survived all these years. I think that’s what is important to value and respect people who are always there for you. I’m not a person who considers myself as someone very special or someone who deserves credit for the life I have led. There are people who lead very vulnerable life due to any physical or mental issues or any other things and my struggle stand nowhere near to them. I still believe I have not reached to a point in my life wherein I could pioneer and have the ability to change someone’s life. But if someday I’m able to bring a change even in 1 person’s life I would feel I have achieved my life’s purpose.

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