A lifetime of "what if"s - All these crossroads, and somehow we just keep trudging along, well some of us. I feel so tired sometimes... there isn't anything particularly wrong, I should be happy... but I feel like I'm just playing along for everyone else.

Depression

I have shifted to a new place, trying to study for neet pg 2023. I live with my boyfriend who works 12hrs a day for 6 days a week. And earns good for himself. I have an option to work but I am scared I wont be able to concentrate on studies. Which I am unable to either way. I have rented a pg of my own. But I stay with my boyfriend with 2 other friends of his ( who are my friends as well) in there flat.  I feel I am living off my boyfriends money. Although I do contribute to the household (grocery and other things). But I feel a bit lonely. I know I have my boyfriend. But it gets very difficult sometimes to have no friends of my own. And so much stress leading to unproductivity. I feel I will remain unsuccessful my whole life.

Career

Just wanna stay happy but no reason there 😔😔😔😔😅😅😅

Are you pursuing your dream or doing something that you were told to do?  

Conflict

I cant find myself where I am... War against my heart and my mind whether to choose my mothers and dont use phone and have a good time with my fb bff a girl from social media where I feel very positive and energetic while talking with her and she like me too but there is problem that I cant give her time and she just want that I treat her as most important person in my life but in my work I can't give her time what should I do please help me my bro want I quit everythjng but I cant 😭 

 i am an introvert person i don't really like to laugh around people because they will think how ugly my smile is and  as  being an teenager  my face my body  have changed so much . Ugh i really hate myself . I really feel lonely wish i had someone.

Lonely

i have this teacher and one day i came in late to his class and everyone was standing and talking. so ofc i put my bag down and went and talked to my friend... i took his backpack and he took mine (we do it like every day) and then mr. james (not his name) said "thats two people who are late" and he pointed to me and my friend. me and another person were late but not him so i said "he wasnt late..." and he repeated himself. and i did too. so he pulled down his mask and yelled "let me do this so you can hear me more clearly" and he yelled it... i was yelling over him "i dont know why youre yelling im telling you that he wasnt late" and he told me to go to the hall. when i left i said okay damn and went down to the office instead and called my aunt to tell her. i walked around the school for a bit then went back and grabbed my bag acting like i was going home and went to my fav teachers class. that was a friday so the next monday (yesterday) everything was chill in that class. i show up to class late and he sent me to the office. and i heard he rolls his eyes when i come in to class... sir... why are u beefin wit a 12 year old. thats so low of him... also he really do be flirting with girls in my class and looking at girls boobs. i think he even touched one but... everyone hated him even more after the guy (who didnt say anything while we were arguing) got in trouble too. but yeah im in the office rn and i have a whole notha story abt what my principal talked to me abt but ill tell yall in another post

School

Trip is what I feel right now..

Hallucination

I have been in a toxic relationship for two years now, this guy was the first guy I love deeply and actually cared about, he has hurt me in everyway possible, disrespected me and lowered my self esteem, judged me, ditched me so many times and pushed me everytime I tried to love him, triggered my mental issues, and changed me to the worse, he has done to me wrong more than good, yet I still only see the good in him and give him chances, he keeps coming back.. and now he’s gone, he has disappeared, after he took everything from me.. I’m no longer who I used to be, and I don’t know if I could ever love again the same way.
and I don’t know if my perception of love is so distorted that I can’t even see it, I have ignored my friends and my family’s advice on that he isn’t the one for me , yet I don’t listen snd I keep forgiving him like nothing happened.

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