Why am I single?

You must have heard one of your friends asking and whining – why I am single? Friends who always seem to question their worth and if they really deserve to be in a relationship or not.

And, sometimes, it can be you only questioning and asking yourself – why I am single? Well, there is nothing wrong with being single. However, if you feel ready but are not able to get out of your shell and come into a relationship. There might be some reasons for it.

Let’s have a look!

9 reasons you might be going through the feeling of “why am I single?”

There might be several reasons you are going through the feeling of “why am I single” or your friend, in particular, is feeling this way. The reasons mentioned won’t generalize the concept of why you are single. However, it might bring attention to things within you that you might need to work on.

Defence Mechanism

People who carry scars from their past relationships create defence mechanisms which are helpful resources constructed by the ego in order to save themselves from getting hurt. The defence mechanisms can come in any form and help you create a massive boundary in front of you.

This is usually done by people who were hurt in their childhoods. For example: if you were raised by cold parents who were always distant and did not show any love — you will probably stay away from people who show love and compassion to their loved ones. You will get attracted to people who remind you of your childhood as that is more familiar. This can be hard to notice as it is all in your unconscious mind – but this can be a significant reason for being single or going through the question of "why I am single".

Getting into unhealthy relationships

People who don’t seem to know themselves quite well or have their defences up often go for unhealthy relationships. In order to mask their pain or be distant, people opt for unhealthy relationships.

However, people don’t see the issue of casual relationships as that can cause them to be on different pages more often than not, have different sets of expectations from each other, risk of falling in love, commitment issues and being emotionally unavailable. These kinds of relationships cause more stress than being single. Yet, people come into these relationships to fill a void inside them or make themselves feel whole and prefer not to go for committed long-term relationships.

And this can also cause major separation anxiety or a feeling of “why am I still single?”

Not knowing what they want

A lot of times, people don’t know what they exactly want out of a relationship and do not understand the need or importance of it in their life. They usually spend their time alone or engage in relationships that do not hold an emotional value to them. They prefer to have a tough wall around them which they don’t let down unless and until they feel a connection with someone. Therefore, a lot of people prefer to stay single and go through this existential question of “why I am single”.

Not finding the right person

This might sound cliché, but a lot of people refrain from coming into a relationship because they haven’t yet found the right person for themselves or someone with whom they can feel a connection or “click”. Some people do not believe in the ideology of casual relationships and want a serious & committed relationship right away.

However, if they don’t find the right match for themselves – they prefer to stay single but can sometimes go through the feeling of “why am I still single?”.

Fear of intimacy

People often refrain from coming into relationships because they carry deep traumatic experiences or emotional conflicts that make them want to stay in their shells. If someone shows an interest or wants to be with them, they might get overly defensive or push them away which may come off as rude or mean.

However, the underlying feeling here is fear of intimacy, because of which millions of people are scared to commit to a romantic relationship. So a lot of times, it isn’t a choice but an unconscious feeling that keeps you tied to an anchor, not letting you go.

Fear of intimacy makes you push people away but at the same time wants you to be loved and feel cared for, and when you don’t get that – you might feel “why am I still single?” when you go through all these things.

Low confidence and self-esteem

Having confidence and a secure personality is very important if you wish to be in a healthy relationship. Many times, the cause of a breakup is not having the confidence to sustain it or always being in a doubtful zone of whether you deserve it. These thoughts can cause a lot of distress and anxiety to the person, and they avoid coming into a relationship altogether. The saying – love yourself before you love someone else is valid on many levels.

Working on yourself will also lead to fewer chances of you feeling – why I’m single.

Finding comfort in isolation

A lot of times, people who like to stay alone and enjoy their solitude get so comfortable in their isolation that they forget that there is a whole world out there for them to explore. There is nothing wrong with spending time alone and being with yourself for as long as you want to. However, at times people like these forget to draw a boundary between being alone and lonely. If a person finds themselves lonely, there is a huge chance that they can fall into the pit of depression and anxiety.

But if the person willingly doesn’t like being in relationships and wishes to be with themselves, that is absolutely okay. They still might go through the feeling of why I’m single or they need somebody but that is up to them to decide if that is what they actually want or if it is coming from a place of loneliness.

Doing everything by the book

Sometimes people get so hooked by what they read or see in movies, they are not able to differentiate fantasy from reality. Every relationship is different, and every relationship has its own set of challenges and difficulties. Doing everything by the book won’t lead your relationship anywhere. Like life, a relationship has to be driven by you and your partner in an angle that suits you best.

It is not at all possible to have a relationship like shown in movies or tv shows as they show unrealistic expectations, and no one knows about the intricate details of the relationship. Relationships are made from little things, and if things go haywire – it doesn’t mean you will need some book or movie to solve that issue, you have to talk it out with your partner and be mature about it.

As a lot of people feel it is a lot of work and it doesn’t sit well with their expectations, they feel it is better to be single and not come into a relationship at all.

Traumatic past experiences

Having emotional conflicts or traumatic experiences from the past can build resentment in relationships. This can stem from not having good role models and having traumatic relationships where the other person didn’t treat you respectfully. These things can lead a person to form a protective wall in front of them and not come into a relationship because of the fear of being hurt again.

Therefore, they don’t prefer to come into relationships and often go through this question – why am I single?

How to be okay with being single and work on yourself?

Usually, people have this tendency that it is wrong to be single and it is necessary to have a partner to sustain a happy life. However, that is not the case. Being single can be a choice. But, that doesn’t mean that you do not deserve to be in a relationship or cannot lead a happy life because of your fears and insecurities.

An important thing to know about our thoughts and fears is they are not facts. Being single or coming into a relationship is your choice. A lot of people chose to work on themselves and come into a relationship later. It is all up to you. Working on yourself is a lifelong process and letting go of your fears and reconnecting with your inner child can take a lot of time. This work can only start when you feel you are ready. You do not have to rush it just because there is a lot of pressure from society. You do you and choose whatever makes you happy, even if it is making mistakes and learning from them afterwards.

Lastly, going through the feeling of “why am I single” is pretty common. And if you are feeling lonely or why am I single — introspect and talk to yourself.

How can nowandme.com help?

Our platform Now&Me is a safe place that makes you appreciate yourself and your relationships by writing out whatever is weighing you down. It can help you in the following ways —

• It reminds you of things that truly matter within you and around you by sending notifications of positive affirmations every day.
• It helps in structuring your thoughts and feelings which can help you understand how to work on yourself and your triggers.
• It can help you in understanding the root cause of the feeling you get of “why I am single?”
• Engaging with others can make you understand the importance of relationships.
• You can be a part of the larger community and learn about relationships from different perspectives.
• It’s like your personal journal – write whatever you wish to because sometimes writing about stuff makes you realise what you need to do next to live a happy life.

TLDR;

When you do not know how to approach being single or understand the intricacies of it, sign up on Now&Me and let your words flow. Be a part of a non-judgmental, inclusive, and friendly community. It is a beautiful and warm family that has got your back. You still might go through the feeling of “why am I still single”, but you will have to get it out somewhere and feel better.

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