Well some years back I had my first crush and when my cousin came to know about it she gave me hopes that he could like me back and everything and she talked to him and got his number, we talked over phone for almost an year and even exchanged ilys but we never met and somewhere or the other I always felt like this was someone else but I was just afraid to ask and whenever I tried my cousin would just sprout some lies. Fast forward the guy I talked to was a different person and my cousin has moved out and we don't have any contact. I ghosted that guy after an year. And its just weird I could never really come out of that. Should I call and ask who he was and everything. I just don't even know anything. He could be a married man or a psychopath for fuck sake and I am so afraid and everything about confronting. It's been 4 years since I last talked to my cousin and 2-3 years since I last talked to that guy.

Relationships

I don't know why I am sharing this but I feel like I have kept this to myself for too long and I can't hold it in anymore, this is part of my life...I've never told anyone this before so, yeah.

When I was around 7 my brother started sexually harassing me and my sisters soon that turned into rape. I was very young so I didn't really think anything about it but I still felt something was wrong with it. He continued to rape and sexually harass me and my sisters until he got a scholarship and moved to board school. After a year there he said he had changed but that summer...he harassed and raped my twin sister. Finally, in 2018-2019 my twin sister built up enough courage and told my mom. (around a month before we turned 11)  When my mom figured it out it seemed like she had no reaction so I don't know exactly how she felt. My brother apologized to me and my sisters when I was around 11 and even though I want to believe him...it still feels like there's a possibility he will do it again.

I'm now 12, my family has moved to 6 different houses, and me and my sister to 7 different schools- we are now currently homeschooled and barely allowed outside. My first ever pet died on Saturday my brother has one year left in the boarding school and is coming back to live at my mom's house, CPS has been called on my family three times and I don't have any friends. My older sister constantly body shames me, my twin has started to develop suicidal thoughts and my mom has developed compulsive hoarding. My family now has mandatory family counseling. 

And my father? I haven't seen him in 1/2 months and barely see him 10 days a year.

How am I supposed to get through this?

I was molested by my boyfriend and I forgave him because of not knowing the concept of concent. Since then I have been having second thoughts. Concent is not something we have been taught in school or home and it is his first relationship also, so I guess, may be, he is innocent, which is why I forgave him, but I'm still not sure, any suggestions?

Emotional Abuse

My brother wanted me to close the door of my room . So i didn't . He told me he don't wanna fight. I told him why not go for it. He tossed me on the bed. Choked my neck and kept me holding for almost 5 mins. Making me realise that I'm so weak that any other man can rape me 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. I hate being touched he reminded me of all those other inappropriate touches happened with me since childhood.
🤣🤣🤣🤣.
I felt horrible the funny things i had a panic attack infront of my mom. I said he touched me accidently but on my breasts. He said why do you have to fight with me then🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣.
Mamma doesn't understand my Panic attack those phewww.
After punching my arm into the wall and cutting my hand untill they bleed i feel relaxed and ashamed and you know this feeling. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣.
My day went great. My own self is telling me how weak i am. Like he tells me everyday also i did all this self harm just to see attention and that panic attack was for that too just so you know. Like I'm seeking attention here too. Talking about it here. 
I'm laughing so hard right now🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣.
Have a great day you all

Mental Wellbeing

WEIRD FEELING

Hey! just a WEIRD feeling to share because that’s what I named my “feeling” since my childhood. I was in first standard when I got molested by a 42 years old man and almost for months in crèche. The man was the husband of the owner. He used to call me and often said ‘I will give you a candy’, I refused but was scared of him and his bloody eyes, if I decline again he used to pick me up and made me sit on his lap. He was smart enough to choose the time when aunty was not around and other kids as well and for the safe side he used to keep a toffee and always pretended that he loves children. After making me sit and he used to touch my private parts  and most of the possible things that he could do within 20 minutes. This used to happened either in morning , or in afternoon. I did not know what was it but I abhor it that’s all. I sensed it was something that I didn’t want but also unknown to it. I was frightened. Since my parents were working. Both of them were having prominent jobs in government sector. After staying in crèche I started avoiding man who were looked like him or belongs to those age group even my dad! In nutshell I started avoiding uncles! That’s all. 

My mom is a rational women she was the first one who noticed this alter in my behavior. On one of her holiday she asked my well-being. I just said a word crèche and in the moment she sensed something wrong, but her expressions of being worried made me feel like it’s a big thing that happened with me and I did not tell her. But being a caring mother she talked to owner of the crèche (aunty) and inform the change in my behavior she even mentioned to take care even when a male is around me. The owner accounted and shared this with uncle and on the very next day he picked me up , put me on his lap and asked  why did I complain about him? I was silent and full of fear. I remember my lips didn’t even move. I was shaken to the core and on that day he touched me even more. I promised myself I will never even utter about him to anyone. After few months my parents got me off from the crèche and I started living with my relatives and with the time I tried to forgot those hellish moments. But this was not the end.

Those weird feelings returned when I got into a relationship for the first time in teenage. When the person I liked hugged me I started shivering and I was perplexed whenever there was any intimate moment. Every time when my boyfriend tried to get close to me I shivered. It was weird for him but he was understanding he asked me the reason but I didn’t tell him. He never forced and never get angry for my weird behavior, even his friends used to ask him about his kiss he tactfully handled them and never pressured me. He made me comfortable and gave me time to trust. It took me two years to hug him without getting shivered and after three years we had our kiss. I am blessed for having him. He is the only one who helped me to heal and cleared my weird feelings. He became the trustful place where I expressed my fear and everything. And a good note its been 6 years of us being together and by this October it's going to be seven.   

All I have learnt from this is if you ever feel bad or wrong about something whether its your past or present share it with someone on which you can count on, don’t try to forget because it leads you to nothing and at some point it comes backs to you and makes you suffer. Seek out for help, set boundaries and ameliorate your present. Because no one can take care of you better then yourself!


Mental Health

i’m so touch deprived lol 

3am Thoughts

Since childhood, I faced sexual abuse, ragging in school, physical and verbal abuse etc, I was trying to understand all this and to solve the conflicts in my mind but before I can do that my Grandfather died. At that time he was the only one who used to listen to me, understand me, he was the bestest friend one can have, and I was so young(in 2nd std) to even properly get the idea that he is gone forever and all those feelings of harrassment and abuses got permanently fixed inside me, but just after his death I was beaten with shoes and belts by my uncle as he wants to satisfy his anger and even my parents used to be there and all this used to happen before them which kept going on for quite a long time and because of all this I developed a fear which gets triggered everytime I feels like someone or something is opposing me and because of that fear I became so aggressive that I became the biggest reason for my parents to get hurt. I was the biggest reason of fights in our home and even after knowing all the things I couldn't solve all this as I felt like completely out of my control. Memories of my grandfather along with all other bad memories of abuses kept making me more and more miserable, time passed by and saveral years later I met a girl with whom I fell in love and I felt like I should do all I can to make myself a better person for her to love and as our relationship kept going I fixed all my habits of over aggressiveness, lack of ambition, unfocused, miserable person. I was so much in love with her that I had even decided till the last moments of my life that she will be by my side as we have made the most beautiful and complete love story of all time. I was in college for my engineering degree when a financial crisis occurred and I had to drop out of the college which was a crucial step on the path of my ambition and it gave me a deep cut inside as I cannot think about any other career for me and I loved so much what I was pursuing and just after 3 months of dropping out of the college, Girl I loved more than anything else left me after 8 years of relationship and when she left I spent  the initial few months trying to help myself out of it, I used to say to myself that I am powerful enough to handle all these and kept going. Which is going to be my biggest mistake as I thought that I was solving all the conflicts where as I was just suppressing it inside and it was teasing me each and every day. It's been 3 years since we broke up and from that point till now I have changed the most. Mood swings are so rapid that I am completely unpredictable even for next minute. Sleeping, eating, working patterns all are disturbed, while going through all of these things final incident blew the hardest right inside my mind as 4 months ago my Grandmother died, 
After losing everything she was the only hope I had and now as she is gone I forgot how to cry, how to express, the only thing I always have on my face is smile, which had become the biggest burden as I want to cry out loud to empty myself out of all the heaviness. I used to had a lot of ambitions but now I just want a peaceful mind free of all the conflicts always taking place inside.

Loss

I was sexually assaulted a couple years ago and I’ve only realised this year that what happened wasn’t normal and sexual assault and I really want to talk about it and tell my friends but i don’t know how to, please can you give suggestions it would be really really appreciated:)

Self Harm

is it normal for your heart rate to increase drastically when you hear your older brother? is it normal to get extremely scared when you hear his footsteps? is it normal to have nightmares about your brother? is it normal for your older brother to give you no privacy, check your phone, and choose what you get do to? is it normal for your older brother to limit your communication with people you love?

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts