(WARNINGS: this is long, mentions my shitty life aka suicide, self harm, anorexia, literally every type of abuse, bullying, sexting, depression, anxiety, PTSD, idk what else but just be careful and thank you for reading if you do)
I am scared to grow up. i have been all my 17 years of life, just like I’ve always had intense anxiety and felt like shit about how i look to the point where I’ve nearly died dieting which I’ve been doing since i was 11. I just feel so bad about myself. Maybe it’s because all the people I’ve ever loved have hurt me badly to the point of betrayal and abuse. Maybe it’s because I was born hating myself, my mum says my sisters woke up happy as babies but I always woke up crying. Maybe I did something really shitty in a past life or maybe my wrong doings are coming back to bite me with 10 times the force. I don’t know.
I don’t know anything any more. I thought I heard a voice whisper my name the other day. Not in my head, but heard it through my ears. It scared the hell out of me. Maybe I’m going crazy, maybe seeing photos of people killing and eating their horse on the street because they were starving traumatised me more than being used for a kid to get himself off on as an 8 year old or more than the rest of the hell I’ve lived through.
I feel like such shit. I want to have those ‘teenage’ memories you hear about in songs. The ones where you kiss your crush, they like you back, you go to many school dances with your friends that you went shopping with, learning to drive and get a job and do homework on time, go to parties with drinks and drugs, with swimming, dancing, kissing, making out, having a boyfriend/girlfriend, running through the city like crazy, getting kicked out of shops or museums, playing around, testing the waters of life. Like in all the songs and the movies. But that’s not life and it fucking kills me that life can’t be like that.
I didn’t ask to be here, to be alive. Hell I’ve tried not to be one or more times a year since I was 12. I have to live in a society where I am surrounded by other people but completely alone. I’ve tried. God knows I’ve tried to feel better. Sometimes I do and sometimes I spiral down so hard I need my friend to save my life. Sometimes I force myself to be so numb I forget how to feel, so I try to feel the only thing I know, pain, and hurt myself just to feel fucking anything. I feel so dead, this is not life, this is merely existence and though I don’t deserve it I want so much more.
I want my last year of school to be perfect. I want a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I want a job. I want to learn how to drive so I can go on long drives just to use the car’s stereo and sing with my sister. I want to study so hard at a desk in my room (that means I need to get myself both a desk and a room). I want know how to study because nobody’s told me how. I want to play the guitar (buuut I need to buy one, learn it, learn to write sheet music then my lyrics will be good for something). I want to dance under the moon, swim in the waterfall near my house (so I gotta learn to swim), be a part of the cheerleading and dance competitions (but I’m broke, it’s $10,000+ per year, and I’m a shit dancer, got the passion but 2 left feet). I want to love life. I want to be alive and create memories of being an idiot, but a happy idiot. I want to have fun, be a screw up, but also get my school work done on time. I want to be allowed to wear make up to school. Hell, I want the self confidence and esteem to wear tight clothes!
But the bitter truth is so damn different. The truth is even if I had the option I couldn’t. I can’t swim, I’m too ugly, I’m dumb, I can’t dance, I live too far away from fun places, I have no one to have fun with, I’m depressed I hate myself, I have no money, i’m not allowed a job because I’ll get burnt out and try to die again etc. But even if I had the options, I couldn’t. because I am too bloody scared to grow up. Because the older I get the more alone I become. And I can’t handle that. And I can’t handle the responsibility because all I have known since I had to keep my mother alive when I was 10 is responsibility. To clean the house, look after my sisters, look after myself, do well at school and why aren’t you stretching if you want to be a dancer? You couldn’t you don’t love it enough or try hard enough even if you haven’t eaten in days.
I sound psychotic, don’t I ? I’m just writing down my thoughts as they come. The truth is I’m a piece of crap and I want to die but attempting suicide isn’t even an option any more and that makes me want to hurt myself even more in spite of this whole fucking mess I’ve gotten into. I want all those fun memories, but you know what my memories are? My memories are of being beaten and doing the beating. Memories of chewed up sandwiches forced on me, teachers throwing away my lunch, yelling the screaming and the crying and the lies. Then there were the tests about my head behind my back, the reveal destroying New Years Eve for me permanently, heartbreak, rage, black outs, running away many times, police being called, being chased down the high way, trying to drown, cut myself to death, suffocate, almost having 90 sleeping tablets. Lonely panic attacks in my own bathroom so my family can’t hear me, looking after myself when I’m sick because no one will, cleaning the house by myself for years, dad yelling if it isn’t clean, mum seeming so hard I can’t talk to her, tell her that I’m bi, that I want to die. Hearing my close friend tried to jump from a cliff and wouldn’t let me save her. She told me it’s because she doesn’t care how I feel, that I was shaking and sick for the 4 days she was in hospital and not answering her phone.
Memories of thinking I’ve found love, thinking I’ve found a friend, sexting him because I don’t want to lose him only for him to leave me after he’s done (J), or he’s grooming me (D), he’s actually in his thirties © but I miss him everyday that bastard made me the crazy person I am, or the friend I didn’t want to hurt, but in trying to protect her, I hurt her anyway, and I dedicate each poem I write to her (E). I don’t want people to use me but I let them. I feel like shit so I head online, let them talk me into sexting, we fuck ourselves and it feels good until your done. Then you just sit, maybe cry. It makes me feel alive, I get high, feel good. Then I come down. I don’t even cry any more. I just play games and distract myself from the pain that is killing me slowly.
I do not want this life. I want to be happy and have fun, not make myself hurt just to feel something. I want love, joy, safety my gosh I want to know what safety feels like. I’m always so scared of something. I always feel like I’m running out of time, time to live, dance, sing, time to be on earth. Running out of life. It’s my biggest fear. Not getting enough done in my life. So I don’t want to grow up, I want to pause time and be happy; but that’s impossible. Nobody can change time, just like nobody can stop the rain form falling.
How can i get that life? Am I hoping for too much? Is this all there is to life? Maybe I’m insane, maybe I’m just intense. Maybe I’m just so different nobody can ever understand me, I’ve always been the odd one out. I just hate myself. I want better, I want that happiness. But is it even possible? Does anybody know? How can I get that happy life, when I have no money, tough family, no opportunities, friends who don’t understand me and no confidence in myself?? I just need someone to save me, and it’s become clear that person is not going to be me.
Thanks for reading. Please tell me something, anything, even if it’s that you don’t understand. Please just let me know I’m not alone.
You’re not alone, bub! It breaks my heart to read this and see how tough a card at life you’ve been dealt, and to know that I relate with some of it. I relate with having not much to live for but not wanting to give up on life. Not knowing where to go, what to do. I want you to know that I’m so proud of you for not wanting to give up. You see hope is the best of things there is. You’re hopeful of a better future. Don’t lose that hope, it’ll get better I promise. Don’t give up, bb! I’m here if you want to talk, I don’t know how I can help you but I’ll tell you that you’re not alone a million times.
thank you so much. That might be the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me, I’m nearly crying! I’d love to talk, if that’s ok with you. Just a couple of questions? 1. do you know if it’s possible to have the life you dream of? 2. if so, how do you get there? and 3. is being grown up really that bad or intense as I think? It’s ok if you can’t answer, I really just appreciate not being alone
no thank you, i appreciate it though
Simran @st1199
Hey!
1. Babies do cry when they are born. I cried too so don’t think about that. And, in no manner, it has any connection to your past life.
2. Do you watch horror or crime-related movies/series too much that the way things happen makes you feel scared? And, if yes, then it happens sometimes that what we watch daily or have a liking for, it just comes into our dreams or somewhere subconsciously feel like that’s true when it isn’t in real life.
3. What we see doesn’t apply in our life and if we expect then that’s really our problem, you see? Expectations lead to disappointment and clearly, you feel the same. You want things to happen how it happens in movies or what they sing in those songs. It doesn’t work that way. What works is how we embrace what we have and we make that our life story. Yes, we wish as that happens, I do too sometimes but then I know the FACT, it will not and there are things unexplored so let’s wait and see it.
4. Take a deep breath and exhale (do it 2-3 times as you read this). You are not insane to have such a life or at least wanting or trying your best to have one. We all had such dreams in school where we want to just have fun and free from responsibilities, right? But you have your mom and family’s responsibilities. Do you know why? I believe that God thought you have the ability to do that from such a young age. He thought that you are strong enough to handle it and trust me, it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. You want to run away but you aren’t. You know why? Because deep down you know you have to do it. YOU MUST FUCKING BE PROUD OF IT. PAT YOURSELF. I AM PROUD OF WHAT YOU HAVE DONE AND WHAT ALL YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH. Yes, we can’t slow time but grow older day by day. After my school, I realized that I am going to meet mean people in College and it will be a whole different life where teachers’ aren’t going to run behind you or there will be PTM. You are on your own. You LEARN that. After graduation, you either do a Master’s or job and you will learn more and JOB sucks if you think school life is harsh on you. As you grow, the more alone you get and the more things you have on your shoulders and that’s life! We can sometimes get frustrated or sad that why we have such a life but can we run away from it? Or rather deal with it and tell ourselves that I’ll live it my way. One needs to make a perspective of living life to the fullest even in those dark/lonely times and get up and move forward.
5. If you think you are ugly, then you are and everyone will make you feel the same way. If you think you are a shitty person, then you are. If you think, I had my share of struggles and now there is a plan where I have my good days, you will have it. If you think I look good, then you are beautiful. Everything is in the head and how we take it what matters. How we sub-consciously talk to ourselves and what we think of ourselves in the back of the mind is what we truly are.
I really hope you got a new perspective on Life! :)
thanks man. 4 was really nice, it’s hard to think someone could believe in me
Simran @st1199
You can do anything considering your situation.
All the Best!💗
You are a dreamer…when there is every reason for you to think otherwise…the challenges you have faced and are facing is only making you stronger…Not only you are not alone but you have to live through it for a million people who are thinking this way…Be an example…Adult or not we all are same child inside same old fears from where we take decisions…You may have no confidence and no support but in all this darkness you have hope… a dream…may be one day…it is enough…One day sure…( actually I want to say today is that one day… that life you want…you can right now see how beautiful a rose is, all clouds for you only, enjoy a song completely just 5 mins being in that moment, slowly things will change but it is ok if you can’t do that now but keep that dream and hope alive…one day you will… )
you know what’s crazy? Today I went to see my grandparents before restrictions get worse again and i was in the car with my dad and sister listening to this song I like and the window was down and the smell made me remember a happy time I had forgotten about. I guess right. Thank you for reading and helping, I say this a lot but it really did help
Jafar Abbas @jafarabbas33
I can’t imagine what you have been going through. What I do know is that there isn’t one thing that can help you through this. Right now, your whole mindset is made to consume negativity. The best thing I learnt about you through this post is you still have hope!! That’s very rare!! like st1199 said, YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF YOURSELF!!
By the way I somehow can relate with your thoughts. If you go through the thoughts I have posted, I thing it would make you laugh😂 I too sometimes think about these shitty things. Remember, thinking about these things isn’t a sin but when you put all your focus on these thoughts, the problem arises.
Here are somethings I think you can try:
1) Identify people who make you feel low and bring negativity in your life and distance yourself from them. (If they are your parents, I think you shouldn’t hesitate moving to another place!)
2) Try exercising daily or with gaps. It helps release endorphin which helps in boosting mood.
3) Develop a hobby which excites you and keep you occupied. (For eg. I love programming)
4) Surround yourself with people who you think are living the life you want. (If you can’t then follow them on Instagram. I follow garyvee jayshetty danlok and tons of other great minds) Even if I am not in the mood to consume their content, I literally force myself😂
Change in thinking will take time but it will change your life😃
May you have a wonderful life🙂
you made my day. Thank you so much for putting time into this. I really really appreciate it. I’m trying to cut the nasty people out of my life but it’s hard when they’re best friends with my best friends! And I’m putting aside time each day to do things I love like read and write poetry/stories or even just write in my diary. It’s hard as it feels like no matter how hard i try things will never change. But I’m going to keep trying anyway I guess. I hope you have a brilliant day and an even more beautiful life. Thank you mate :)
Jafar Abbas @jafarabbas33
No problem! I know it can be very very hard to remove toxic friends or family members from your life. After all we are human beings and are afraid to be left alone but is having them in you life better or having a better life is better? You gotta ask yourself that. And when we try to change our habits, a lot of times, it will feel like we are accomplishing nothing. But slowly, very slowly we are steering away from the path where we don’t belong to a path where we should be. It will take time and patience my friend. And I suggest you explore MORE things/habits! I don’t think you have found one which will keep you excited and occupied. Even the things you never thought to try. Believe me, I never thought I would try Python programming but when I did, it changed my life.
Adios! Have a wonderful life! 😃
I guess I’ll try something different. Thank you :)
