WARNING: this is shitty and depressing. Mentions suicide attempts and self harm and abuse. Sorry it’s also long. Again
How am I feeling? I’m on my bed in my dirty PJ’s listening to “Unsaid Emily” from Julie and the Phantoms. Without crying. So I’d say I’m numb with a side of depression. Ok, maybe I listened to the song 8 times and am now listening to “Everybody’s Fool”.
Does anybody even understand me? I want to scream, I want to shout I want to blood and i want to bleed. I think I’m psychotic but maybe the pain would leave me with the blood? I just need someone to talk to about everything. But the people I want to talk to are the ones I can’t tell. I want to tell girl 1 that I’m attracted to her, I want to tell girl 2 that her best friend was my friend first but she used me and hurt me, I want to tell guy 2 that I want him, that his girl is gonna get him killed even though he knows that I want him to trust me. But he’s friends with my sister. My beautiful twin, like me but actually pretty, smart, not alone. And he likes her so much more. They’re going to meet up this week.
Gosh, I just want to run onto a cliff and scream!!! I want to hit the guy that almost kissed me and almost hit me in the same hour. I want to kiss my friend. I want to hit the girl that hurt me and I want to cause the agony they put me through. I want revenge. I want to hurt them for what they did to me, to my sister. I hate them.
But more than that I hate myself. I’m sick of who I am. I feel better for 2 days and with a single joke I’m as depressed as I was years ago, and I want to make the yearly attempt on my life early. But apparently I’m not good at dying as I’m been trying for 5 years. I’m so sick of the betrayal. I’d do anything for someone I could tell it all to. But I can’t. Because I’m alone. And I’m everybody’s fool