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WARNING: this is shitty and depressing. Mentions suicide attempts and self harm and abuse. Sorry it’s also long. Again

How am I feeling? I’m on my bed in my dirty PJ’s listening to “Unsaid Emily” from Julie and the Phantoms. Without crying. So I’d say I’m numb with a side of depression. Ok, maybe I listened to the song 8 times and am now listening to “Everybody’s Fool”.

Does anybody even understand me? I want to scream, I want to shout I want to blood and i want to bleed. I think I’m psychotic but maybe the pain would leave me with the blood? I just need someone to talk to about everything. But the people I want to talk to are the ones I can’t tell. I want to tell girl 1 that I’m attracted to her, I want to tell girl 2 that her best friend was my friend first but she used me and hurt me, I want to tell guy 2 that I want him, that his girl is gonna get him killed even though he knows that I want him to trust me. But he’s friends with my sister. My beautiful twin, like me but actually pretty, smart, not alone. And he likes her so much more. They’re going to meet up this week.

Gosh, I just want to run onto a cliff and scream!!! I want to hit the guy that almost kissed me and almost hit me in the same hour. I want to kiss my friend. I want to hit the girl that hurt me and I want to cause the agony they put me through. I want revenge. I want to hurt them for what they did to me, to my sister. I hate them.

But more than that I hate myself. I’m sick of who I am. I feel better for 2 days and with a single joke I’m as depressed as I was years ago, and I want to make the yearly attempt on my life early. But apparently I’m not good at dying as I’m been trying for 5 years. I’m so sick of the betrayal. I’d do anything for someone I could tell it all to. But I can’t. Because I’m alone. And I’m everybody’s fool

6 Comments
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aamisha

Hey! I’m extremely sorry that you had to go through all this by yourself. But you’re not alone anymore don’t worry, I’m here for you. I’m here. You can talk about anything and everything you want, I’ll listen to it I promise

thank you so much, that is really kind. I might end up taking you up on that offer sometime if that’s alright with you 🙂

aamisha

Yes, that sounds perfect!

sxkurxchxn

Hey… calm down for a second… I’m here… I know I can’t talk to you in person but I can over here… First take a deep breath…
Now, I understand you feel horrible about the things people have done to you… but you shouldn’t do anything cause then you’ll be just as bad as them…
1. Tell girl 2, If she’s your true friend… she’ll trust you… ask her to talk to her best friend who hurt you and settle things calmly
2. Tell guy 2 everything… again he will ask his girl and try for nobody to rage or get mad… whatever you do everything should be settled calmly… If he likes your sister… I’m sorry but… your going to have to accept it…

Don’t listen to sad songs… since they’ll only make you feel more sad… If you want to scream do it go somewhere quiet scream as loud as you can… that way you can let your feelings out… And Pleasseee don’t die… I’m sure there are people who still care about you… also love yourself… speak yourself… if you know BTS (the korean boy band) they have spread this message world wide

Epiphany- by Jin BTS -https://youtu.be/_GiBbhq7hfI

BTS- Love yourself :Answer - https://youtu.be/o_SYttJm0SE

I hope everything gets better!! 😄😊

Thank you, that’s really nice. One day I will just go for a walk and scream all the pain and anger out. But for now I can’t. I’m not going to kill myself. i’ve tried that enough and i know I haven’t lived this long for nothing, even if it is only 17 years I’ve lived. I’m going to keep pushing, it’s just hard to go on sometimes. I’ll listen to the songs, thank you for the suggestion and thank you so much for you care. It means a lot to me :D

sxkurxchxn

I’m glad I could help! I’m just glad your not giving up yet!
Have a nice day!!