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WARNING possibly triggering and long read

I feel like shit. Here I am again, on my bed with my cat, listening to Let Her Go by Passenger too done with it all to cry. No, that’s a lie. I want to cry, scream, get it out, but all I feel is a dull ache. I texted my friends, they told me to text them when I feel like hurting myself or going back to my addiction. But they’re all busy and that’s fine, I really hope they do well with their assignments that are due tomorrow. But I just hurt. I’m sore, my arms are gently bleeding.

I don’t know who I am any more. I want to talk to someone because I just feel so damn alone. I’m addicted to talking to people online, more accurately sexting strangers because I guess I get a rush from it and they give me attention and even for a moment I feel something, anything. But then that feeling gets replaced by the shame and the guilt. The remorse of my innocence. I’ve never had a boyfriend, but many guys and girls have said things to me only someone you’ve dated at least 10 times would say. I’ve been used and I just keep letting myself get used in the hopes that someone will actually give a damn.

My best friend saved my life on Tuesday, I almost killed myself again. I hate that it hurts her so I’m not going to kill myself but hell I want an escape. I feel soulless. Empty. Numb. Alone.

I’ve got assignments due tomorrow to. But I’m playing on Roblox instead, because at least my avatar is surrounded by people. My schooling is down the toilet even though next year I’m in year 12, my last year of high school. I’m so bloody scared to leave, I don’t want to face reality and grow up.

I’m even not excited for Christmas Eve even though it’s my favourite day of the year. I used to be so excited. Then year 6 happened. I’m so done with life, but so painfully aware that what I’m living isn’t life, just mere existence. Today at school there was a fun event but I was too anxious and scared of my teacher to have fun. Like I wasn’t even there. I just hate myself.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, why I feel this way. If anyone has any ideas, tips or is willing to talk that’d really help. Anyway, thanks for reading

19 Comments
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b

Hey, umm…
I am not gonna say get over it, because I know it is the hardest thing anyone could ask yo to do. I actually understand what you are going through and I, myself have been through that. To be honest I am still going through that. You can’t stand being alone…you feel like it would be better for everyone if you just disappear…and you can do nothing but hate your self. I know…I personally can’t stand to even look at my self in the mirror without crying or screaming…and jumping out of my dorm room’s window seems like a good fucking idea. But then I stop myself and think: " How would me dyeing help?" " How would my mom feel about it?" “How could I do this to the people who love me?”…because trust me there are people out there who love you more than anything…Life hurts…
What I am trying to say is that you need to accept your self the way you are and turn your mistakes to life lessons.
As for the dating part, you just need to let people in…next time you are interested in a guy/girl, try to start a friendly conversation without sexting, nudes or whatever. Just be yourself and interact with him/her as a human being with genuine feelings instead of a sextual object.
WE need to start appreciate our selves and all good things in life.
I really think that you are more powerful than you think.
If you want to chat a bit more i’d be more than happy to help you and me in the process.

wow. thank you so much, it’s nice to know someone gets it. I find people I like in real life, but all of them end up hurting me so I end up hurting myself. Thank you for the advice though, I’ll try harder to look after myself. It’d be nice to chat more, maybe I can help you too :) again, thank you heaps for even responding, I wasn’t expecting anyone to read all that!

b

Do you prefer chatting through here or more privately?

i think here is safest thanks :)

b

Sorry for my late reply…how have you been since the last time we spoke?

not great. I just went down the rabbit hole again

b

Why do you think that is?

i really don’t know. I just fell hard again :(

b

What makes you feel down?

I guess the weather. It makes me feel like my depression has company and is allowed. Idk, I just feel down often. Right now I’m feeling pretty good, it’s not all bad, just not all that great either

b

do you see your friends often?

not really. I always feel like they don’t want to see me even when they invite me to things

b

Do you have a person to talk to face to face?

yeah, i see a therapist but that doesn’t help a lot. I see my friends face to face sometimes but not a lot until school starts again

Anonymous

life sucks and the only think u need is a frnd who can guide u properly as u says i think u r have too many people surrounding u but the problem is you are not sure who is real and who is fake.
for a frnd assignments aren’t imp if they are not wth u with your good time u cant call the frnds. you are seeking someone whom u can talk.
the platform u r using is social media. all that stuff u said abt talking to stranges show u want someone who will understand u and be with u and support u and stand besides you.
i might be not good at talking but if u ever feel like talking u can reach me

thank you that’s really sweet. It’s nice to know someone gets it

e

Ping me talk to me whenever u want 🔥

m

Hey if you need a someone to vent or talk to feel free to contact me + 9 1 9766 870 782

thank you so much that’s really kind