WARNING possibly triggering and long read
I feel like shit. Here I am again, on my bed with my cat, listening to Let Her Go by Passenger too done with it all to cry. No, that’s a lie. I want to cry, scream, get it out, but all I feel is a dull ache. I texted my friends, they told me to text them when I feel like hurting myself or going back to my addiction. But they’re all busy and that’s fine, I really hope they do well with their assignments that are due tomorrow. But I just hurt. I’m sore, my arms are gently bleeding.
I don’t know who I am any more. I want to talk to someone because I just feel so damn alone. I’m addicted to talking to people online, more accurately sexting strangers because I guess I get a rush from it and they give me attention and even for a moment I feel something, anything. But then that feeling gets replaced by the shame and the guilt. The remorse of my innocence. I’ve never had a boyfriend, but many guys and girls have said things to me only someone you’ve dated at least 10 times would say. I’ve been used and I just keep letting myself get used in the hopes that someone will actually give a damn.
My best friend saved my life on Tuesday, I almost killed myself again. I hate that it hurts her so I’m not going to kill myself but hell I want an escape. I feel soulless. Empty. Numb. Alone.
I’ve got assignments due tomorrow to. But I’m playing on Roblox instead, because at least my avatar is surrounded by people. My schooling is down the toilet even though next year I’m in year 12, my last year of high school. I’m so bloody scared to leave, I don’t want to face reality and grow up.
I’m even not excited for Christmas Eve even though it’s my favourite day of the year. I used to be so excited. Then year 6 happened. I’m so done with life, but so painfully aware that what I’m living isn’t life, just mere existence. Today at school there was a fun event but I was too anxious and scared of my teacher to have fun. Like I wasn’t even there. I just hate myself.
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, why I feel this way. If anyone has any ideas, tips or is willing to talk that’d really help. Anyway, thanks for reading