Home / Thoughts / Urgently need suggestions Situation I m facing is...
Anonymous

Urgently need suggestions
Situation I m facing is from last 5 years and it became worst since January 2021.
Jan Feb March apr and now may on daily basis I have fight with my family (mother, father and brothers) my family is very much conservative. I do not want to marry into arrange marriage although I don’t have any love interest. And I had love relationship in past for 10 year but now that person has gone. And no body knew about my love life. Now at this point of time I m not ready to marry and I just want to focus on my self and stable my self. Due to corona I suffered lot .my earning reduce to 5k per month it’s part time job I lost job too very hardly I m surviving. Today I met huge fight with my mother she continuously from many days taunting me to get married they don’t allow intercast or inter religion marriage. My family scared of if I married someone outside .on daily basis we have fight most of the time I try to keep mum and listen and ignore whatever they say. But today my mother abused me very badly and 2 things I can’t take (physical and verbal abuse) she slut shame me, she said I m wife of her father ,I slept with menn she called me rand***, she said she wish I have died, she said chhinaa****,she said me I eat potty, and all that in local Hindi language u can understand how abusive words sounds in hindi then I also lost temper and I also said may be u r sleeping with lots of man that’s why u r assuming me in that category may be u slept with ur father ur son and other male relatives. I said may be u don’t eat food and eat shits that why telling all these . She said she did lot for me she gave me birth ,she fought for my education she cared me when I was sick and near my death bed and she is right she really loved me too much in past .She said me she will not provide me food I have to make my own food and wash my cloths and she won’t do anything for me I said no issue I will do all by my self. Now I know all what she said too was in anger and all what I said to her was in anger and right now I m so much angry on my family but I know I should not take any decision in anger. Bcoz gusse me liya faisala galat hita h . I m 31 years hoping my earning would be better in coming years but I can’t take it any more. I live in mumbai I have few good friends who can help me by allowing me to live with their house. I just want to knw should I walk out from my family from my house by today or tomorrow. Or I should tolerate them more untill I earn atleast 10k per month although I use to earn much much better monthly I had good bank balance but I lost everything in this pandemic right now I have 20k in my bank and may be I will get my salary soon so it will be upto 25k what I should do. I m unable to take it any more. The time I enter in my house everything is so toxic they hate me they treat me like inferior person they don’t values my opinion my thoughts. 5 years ago it use to be good happy family but now everything is ruined I do not want to see them and they wish the same if I m not ready to marry…I m in much anger that’s why I m asking opinion from unknown and plz while suggesting drop ur age too so that I can understand from what age opinion is coming. See I will respect each and every opinion but 15, 20, 25, and 30yrs old person look into same situation with different thinking and experience. Right now I thinking to talk one of my friends and ask them if they can keep me at thier home atleast for this year . probably by 2022 I will get good job or I will marry to someone of my choice . But I can’t trust in my thinking reason I m in too much of anger. Plz drop ur age while giving suggestions

6 Comments

Dear User, for your own safety, we urge you to NOT share any personal information [email, phone number, social media handles, address etc.] with other Now&Me users.

Post anonymously?
Anonymous

Hi, I am 20 years old, and I am not giving any suggestions. Clearly, you are older than me, you’ve seen life better than me and you are in a situation that I can’t perhaps fathom or grasp.
But I can just say that everyone has a right to live with dignity. Your mom may love you, but even she shouldn’t slut-shame you or anyone. As whenever we see a woman independent or with a different temperament to life, we judge her character and abuse. This is the epitome of patriarchy. This is not a proper way to handle any situation. She may be worried as she loves you, but in my opinion, abuses and torture won’t give any productive result. It will just poison your relationship with her and you’ll end up blaming her in life.
I am too young to pass any judgements on marriage as an institution or when you should marry, but I do believe that it should entirely take your wish into account. Marriage should make you feel happy and loved not claustrophobic, imprisoned or on account of sacrificing your carrier. I believe that if u marry half-heartedly, their wish to see you happy will suffer too. You shall hurt your loved ones if you aren’t able to be happy or give full justice to marriage.

There is nothing to be ashamed of being a carrier-oriented girl. It is basic of an educated human life. Tell your family your issues calmly and try to explain to them your plans if u think they will listen. Moving out of your parent’s house is entirely your decision. You are a human being before being a girl, daughter etc… your values, opinions, wishes and choices should be heard and respected. Even if you suffer from a mistake of yours, you shall learn, and blame yourself for that. It is better than suffering due to someone else’s mistake and blaming him/her for the rest of your lives. Demanding respect and dignity isn’t a luxury, it is a necessity.
That’s my perspective as per my age, correct or wrong, you are open to calculate. All the best 😄

Anonymous

Thanku so much. U r really more mature than ur age . Hope everyone can understand others like that. Hoping instead of a stranger my family can agree on this and understand that it is my life ,I can decide how I wanna spend rest of my life although u gave me birth but I didn’t asked for it u can’t bring that in each n every argument.u gave me birth so u Owens me. In morning I was so much in anger but now after whole day my thought process is on that point only that I want to leave house asap. This thinking keeps coming so I think that is not coming bcoz of anger may be my heart n brain knows that it’s never ending issue and for the peace I have to leave house …thankx for each n every word u said. It really means a lot. Tc at the age of 20 u r non-judgmental u r really gonna give a good person to this society. We need people like u more n more

Anonymous

Thanks for these kind words. I read ur reply below, the reason ur family hates you, conversion of religion and all. I can only say that we should love a person for who he/she is, their relationship with us, not because of religion, ideology or profession. Sadly in India, parents have these “ownership issues.” Choose subjects we want, carrier we want, life-partner we want… the list is endless. Yes, you have full right to decide however u wanna spend and with whomsoever u want to spend. You shouldn’t let anyone dictate anything to you. You are an adult, a vote giving citizen. You have full right to decide for yourself, to fail, to fall, to suffer, to celebrate success, to live life on your own terms and practice whatever faith you want.
I would suggest a small thing only. If you are serious about moving out of the house, chart out a long term and a short term plan first, then start arranging the resources- residence, utilities, finance etc. You can also find NGOs that support and help women. After full planning, move out. Embrace life on your terms.
If someone loves you only because of your appearance /ideology / colour / religion, then it isn’t love, just a contract where we are legally obligated to perform a duty. Love ain’t a duty, by both parents or life partners, it is a commitment to accept someone without judgements.
Cheers!! To live life on your own terms 🍻🥂

Anonymous

28 here, You seem be in a tight spot unfortunately. Frankly if we drill down the issues point by point , it might help.
1. Less income job -> You wish to earn more so you have to tell your skillset and education. 5k is less to survive in Mumbai for sure.
2. Relationship of 10 years -> What happened in that and did it left any issues on your mindset towards love-life in general. Do you prism every relationship through that lens. Do you have any insecurities now because of that e.g. body conscious-beauty conscious, do you look attractive in your eyes etc.
3.Why are you afraid of arrange marriage ->Although expecting a love marriage is good but it never means that in arrange everything is doomed from the start. Have your heard from your close ones any issues arising. Also, you never know how much excitement you might feel in an arrange marriage.
4. Moving in with your friends -> This does seem a pressing decision as a substantial amount of time and bond will be affected by this decision of yours. Do you feel this will solve your issues i.e. even 1-2 of them. Do you feel your family is so against you that this is the only option to achieve something. The answer can be yes and that’s okay as well. But you have to be sure before taking this step because having good friends is one thing but only great ones can help in financially and emotionally helping for next 2 years. Also be prepared for the mental agony you’ll for sure go through post leaving. Again…you can leave but you have to know from your heart whether this is something you truly want and not just contemplating because of the heat of the moment.
5. Your family scenario -> I’m sure your family must have loved you or still do but all the prevailing situation has overwhelmed everything. That being said, its equally true that they may have got totally fed up with you as well. Only you can read their hearts. If your heart says that they no longer love or have a place for you among them, talk to them heart to heart. Ask them the reason at least. Tell your weaknesses and stories to them, tell them about how difficult everything has been for you. If they simply brush everything off and don’t take your words seriously, at least you’ll have the solace that you tried to reconnect with them.

I’ve tried to convey my thoughts with as much sincerity I can. Feel completely free to talk more and let me know how we can better your situation now.

Anonymous

Okay I once already posted the reason why my family hate at that time I was too much vulnerable bcoz of my breakup. May be u read there . Exactly why they hate is bcoz of my decision of accepting islam. I accepted Islam 10 years ago without any pressure or social environment. Actually my family is pro bjp they always hate muslims in my family they use to abuse them a lot without any reason . Earlier it wasn’t bothering me but later in life when I met many muslim they were so genuine.in my all need they helped me financially,during my health crisis in everything. So out of curiosity once my family cursing quran I downloaded all religious books n started reading them n searching truth behind things and quran was my last book . During 6 month of truth searching my heart went for Islam n without hesitation I accepted it . Now I just want to spend my life in islamic way. Hope u won’t judge over this. May be u too can be bjp pro but here just try to understand that I m genuinely looking for answer from stranger so plz do not judge over this. And that’s why they hate me and in all those 10 years I cut my all contact with muslims so that no one can say I have brainwashed by them. Even my hindu friends accepted my conversion n they r happy for my self decision. That’s why I don’t want to marry in hindu culture where I can’t practice my islamic prayers. And the reason why my bf brokeup with me is bcoz he is all alone bye him self he has only old mother and due to current situation of love jihad and all he said he can’t continue this and he proposed me after my conversion bcoz fyi so that u also don’t think that I did this bcoz of this boy …and all those 10 years we respected each other boundaries he never cross his line so he is genuine person he has genuine reason that’s why this break up not affected me mentally or I don’t have any self issues . I was and I m beautiful. Break-up really not affecting me much what affecting me is constant mental and emotional abuse from family . Why they can’t love me unconditionally. Although I understand they have their own valid point. In their society this is unaaceptable fine but atleast let me live in peace. If I not changed my decision in last 10 years then why they can’t accept me the way I m . That’s why I m thinking to leave the house . Bcoz this only can save me and my family mentally they want me to leave Islam but I can’t . Allah is the one I love most above everything. And my friends are good probably they will support me. And in Mumbai we have lots of earning source before this year I use to earn much much better it’s just pandemic so I knew this is just a phase I will overcome bcoz I m highly qualified well educated lady . I really have good academic background and even experience. And I took this job to under pressure bcoz I can’t sit at home and take tantrum from family all day . Now I m hoping for ur rpl bcoz I want to listen from 28 years old person and plz do not judge .still like my family u wanna judge them atleast plz do not demotivate me bcoz if my family can’t make me to change my decision then no body can do that. I can feel the spiritual energy I have I can’t let it go bcoz my parents don’t understand it. Trust me I saw many miracles happening inmy life from almighty so I have unshakable faith in Allah. Even I feel my story is almost like hadiya case u can serch on google and read it

Anonymous

Before I write something I wish to be awed at stories and lives of people. I’ve seen few things in life and am always willing to know and understand people more. So I’m reading about you for the first time and therefore ‘Nice to meet you’. Also be assured that my opinion will be limited to the issue at hand and not to judge your choices in any way. Yes I’ve few closest friends who are muslim, I’ve been to their homes-ate with them for a decade now and still firmly believe that the environment and society mayn’t have grown enough for a true amalgation. Both sides are equally right in firmly holding on to their beliefs and constant bombardment of conversion realities have forced people to have this negative outlook about conversions in any context. It certainly is not going to change in next couple of decades at least.

So without going into above in more detail, I guess most of your issues are circling around your religious choices. I can feel from your reply how deeply connected you are and certainly respect that. Honestly speaking you might certainly know that your family is not going to accept your views in distant future as well. For the idea of leaving your home, its better to tell them upfront about this as well. But before you do this, I suggest to manage your affairs i.e. every single aspect beforehand. Start planning with whom you’ll be living with. How will food and utilities be managed. How many months-year you’re planning to live with them. Don’t leave anything for what may come scenario at all. Once all this is decided, good.

As you have said you’re well educated and earned before as well, are you trying to get a new well paid job now. If not presently, in how many days you’ll start applying. Even trying for things is one step forward. Ask yourself that after leaving your home, will you be mentally well enough to start hustling in short period of transition or is it better to get a job first and then be independent.

Lastly, you see yourself as beautiful and I’m sure you are. How do you see your future partner like? How do you see yourself meeting him. Are you active in the dating world, socially active to meet new people. You can try your luck with matrimonial sites as well. Choose people wisely as there are many who might seem genuine at first but only show their colors after a certain period of time. Also, do you consider yourself as a hard-radical follower or will you happy with being a bridge between both the religions. What I mean is will you make a home where both your and your partner’s religion are both tended equally,loved and both your festivals are celebrated with same joy. I feel there are people out there who will love you and give you their everything if you do the same for them. Do you feel happiness in thinking about this kind of home which you’ll build. If yes, congratulations.

I understand this all seems overwhelming but with right chain of thoughts, you can get through all this. Keep sharing.