Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Today I learned a hard lesson and sometimes it is hard for me to take in advice from anyone, especially if they don’t have a license within their name. But I have been fucking up big time throughout my life as a college student. I may act as if I am a full-grown adult and or if I am old enough to do as I please. But there are many obstacles that are taking place now. Problems that happen within family, and I am drowning in my own sorrow. A boyfriend who isn’t as open to me as he was before, expenses hitting me left and right, body image issues taking over my mind, and clueless where I stand in my family’s patriarchy. You see, family won’t understand what depression may be like for that one person, they truly believe that depression consist of episodes and that it will occur some days and the next day you’ll be fine. Nope, I hate to break it to my family, that is not how MY depression works. Depression varies for every single person on this planet. For some, it comes in moments, for some it comes in packages of weeks, days, months and even up to years. And no matter how much I try to seek help, mentally I am just not doing well whatsoever. I am a girl who feels as if she has no one, who feels lonely and today I was told the harsh truth (“stop acting as if people don’t care about you or that you’re lonely”). Yes, I do have a family that cares about me, sisters who would die to see me content and happy, and brothers who would most indeed embarrass the shit out of themselves to make me laugh and or giggle, but that doesn’t seem to cure this fucked up illness that still drives throughout my mind and body. I see everyone as an enemy and I can’t seem to let my guard down because of the amount of hurt I’ve endured growing up. People say that being the youngest should be easy, it should be a walk in the park when it comes to getting whatever you want. Others whisper underneath their breathe and whisper “she got everything handed to her, and just plays this role as if she’s lonely and has this miserable life”. I don’t glorify the life I’ve had because others may have had it better or worse. But what I am here to say, to whomever may be reading this, is that your emotions count, and they are valid. Your life shouldn’t have to have been black and dead roses for you to have depression. You could’ve grown up filled within pony’s, pink flowers, a big home, and siblings who love you, and yet you still can manage to get this sense of loneliness and these senseless emotions that can cause you to want to disappear quietly and slowly.