Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Hello, thanks for your comment.
Let’s just say he and I are in the same division in my college organization and he is our leader. He asked me for help to be the moderator in some webinar. Its not my responsibility, but the staff that was assigned was busy and the others too, so no ones around is available for this task. In the past, I used to be the master of ceremony and the moderator for events. But since quarantine, I have some social anxiety and really, really afraid to do public speaking. He know that.

So when he asked me for help, I got panicked and refused immediately. I’ve said things like… kinda blame him a little like “that’s not my responsibility why you choose me again?” or sort of. At the end, he do it himself, and I felt guilty. He already have so many things on his hands, he even become stressed by it and I can’t even helped him a little.

I think I’m toxic because… some of my friends said it to me. I also acknowledged it. In the past, I’m a bit manipulative and tried to make everyone around me do whatever I want. I have so many insecurity that I constantly asking for reassuring from them. I feared to be abandoned so I got jealous easily and got anxiety when they do something worries me. Lastly I’m a sensitive person. I get angry and sad easily. But that’s all in the past. Now I’m trying to be a better person. All of my past friend were good people, but maybe I cannot treat them well enough to make them stay.

I hope your words is true that he really cares for me. I’m trying my best to be a good friend to him and trying not to be toxic anymore. Sometimes I loose control and be toxic again because of my anxiety and insecurities. But I will keep trying.

Thanks again.

If you said NO, that’s completely understandable. You are not comfortable in it then you don’t have to do it. He will understand because he knows you well.

It’s good that you acknowledged rather than defending yourself. It’s a pretty good step and you are trying to work on it, again a great step.
You will bring changes in you which makes you feel better about yourself.

Just remember and I believe in it too that If I am putting in efforts for someone it doesn’t mean he/she has to do the same but acknowledges my efforts. Secondly, there will be people who will come for a short period, teach you something (the time you spend together) and leave and we don’t have to be sad but accept that everyone can’t be in a forever phase. Few will be beside you always but there is a limit to everything and we have to make sure that limit doesn’t break in order to be forever with that person. 💙

I still feel guilty though…
He seems very stressed about it. The webinar ended minutes ago. I still feel really guilty. Like he always there for me but why I can’t help him just a little like this. dkjfjfkjsnekjd sorry haha. But yea, I’m okay now (I hope).

I just hope I can be a normal, stable person and feeling good about myself so I don’t burden him anymore and can be totally a good friend to him.

It’s funny that you both said the same thing in your last paragraph. I’ll keep that in mind. Maybe I still think that every time anyone left me, I’m abandoned by them. I’ll try to change my way of thinking. I’ll also try to keep in mind that they also have feelings and can be hurt by me so I’ll try not to break the limit.

Sorry btw my English today is kind a bad. I feel exhausted because of my anxiety(?) I guess… and feel a little cloudy?? or dizzy?? idk hahaha. I’m a bit unstable again right now so I ask for your understanding 😅. Thanks for your advice and your kind words btw. I appreciate that 😊

I understood your point. No worries😃

Also, then just pour your heart out to him. Sometimes when we speak what we feel, it becomes light that we spoke about it rather than keeping it inside. And if you already did, it will eventually get over. Just give yourself some time and you will be fine.
And hey, you will be there for him when he needs you because you care for him, ik that and he does too.

Hello,
Yes… I know. In my heart I really wanted to help him. But I’m so afraid, and my anxiety kicks in. I feel like, even if I helped him, I can’t do the job well and ended up embarrassing him. I feel like I’m not capable right now for this task. Maybe next time, if he asked me again I’ll help him. I hope there will be “next time”.

Thanks for your advice.
I appreciate it.

Hello,
I will to always be there for him. I wanted to. But sometimes my insecurity and anxiety prevented me to do it. Instead, I’m the one who needs help more that he is.
When he needs help, I couldn’t do it. Even when I really wanted to help him. idk… sometimes I just hate my self because of my incapability.

Thanks btw

Don’t be so hard on yourself your there for him that is al that matters.

Yes… thank you. I’ll try.