Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

To C;
You hurt me. You ruined me, you’ve turned me into something gross that I never thought I would be. I haven’t hurt anyone, but I get hurt. I’m not sure if it even hurts anymore. I guess I’m doing it to myself, talking to those people knowing it’s a trap. My own form of twisted punishment. Thank you for what you taught me. But I hope that you hurt for a long time until you realize what you’ve done. What you’ve made me. Or is it more than me? There are likely others. I miss you, but my gosh do I hate you to high Heaven. Learn. And if you learn but don’t change; then burn.

To A,
You broke me. You tore my heart apart year after year because you are younger than me there is no way we could be together. Then you kissed her. Why her? You could have kissed anyone else. You know I could feel it? That something was happening, going to happen that day? It was inevitable and I made peace with that before the moment came. I thought I had at least. The truth is, I don’t understand you. Shouldn’t I be awkward around you, not vice versa? You used to smile at me, laugh and tease and play fight and holy hell i loved you for it. Now you ignore me. You look at me like I’m not even there, you stare, it isn’t fair. Here I go again, hurting for you, making songs and poetry and bleeding in my soul because of you it’s always you. You. I don’t know if I love you or hate you or just don’t give a fuck. There tears I’ve cried over you are more than anything else I’ve cried over. You hurt me til i can’t feel the pain anymore. I wish I could tell this to your face but I don’t have the courage. Or maybe you don’t have the courage to face me after you kissed my sister, ignored us. Left us for nothing. I’m not sure if you broke 2 hearts or 3. I always new there was something between you and her. But that doesn’t stop the pain. You broke me. But I truly hope you’re happy. I can’t stand seeing you hurt, even after all you put me through.

To O,
I never had the courage to say so, but I like you. I could never be with you because you hurt my friends, you loved one, loved my sister, assaulted 3 girls. You’re a bad person but you don’t understand that, you don’t understand anything but your feelings. But I like you anyway and it hurts to watch you flirting with Imi. It hurts so damn much because not only are you hurting me but you’re hurting my sister. She still isn’t over you, you know. That’s why she stayed by your side when you had no one. Not even Imi. But you still love her. Love. What is love but a bullet being fired by the one person you care most about aimed at your heart, that tears apart your soul… I don’t even know if i want you. Maybe I’m just jealous.

To Imi…
You’re one of my closest friends… i love you… but I really really hate you. I’m so so sorry that I hate you and this whole thing reminds me so much about yr 6 how I got into this depressed mess in the first place but I can’t stop. You have everything I’ve ever wanted without even trying… or even wanting it. I’ve fought with each breath to be happy, free, have a job, money, drivers license, for fucks sakes you’re younger than me and have a car and I’m not allowed to learn to drive til my sister can!! You sleep, eat right, you do all the hardest classes, you’re tall, skinny, and comfortable with yourself and you have many many friends and you can dance amazingly you do everything you want when you want because you can and everything you try you do well, you’re in the hardest dance competition class while I still can’t do my splits and don’t have the money for competitions, my dream since i could fucking walk and you only started dancing a couple of years ago as a fun side thing and I just hate you!!!

But I don’t. You’re nice and kind and saved my life. You’re my friend. I’m just a jealous bitch. I thought when I’d start recovering from depression I’d be less jealous but I’m not. I just get much angrier. How can you do it all? Why can’t I too? Why can’t we both do it together? Why am I always on the outside??

I know this is long. I’m sorry. But if anyone has anything to say to help me out, I’m listening.