Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

This past week has been a total nightmare, when everything was looking up, I was excited because my dog was going to be a mother, she was going to be a great one I knew that for sure, I remember staying late at school that day and all I thought was “I just want to see the puppies and my Yeya with them” but once the time had come, I was on my way to go to my mom’s car because we were just going to pick up my dog and her babies after a successful birth, when minutes later I recieve a call from the Vet odd enough I thought to myself “I hope his call is to tell me he got earlier than expected and we can now pick everybody up” when he said “I’m sorry to tell you this but I have bad news, your dog has passed away, she had a heart attack a bit after the birth, but all the puppies are safe”
In that moment my heart dropped, in that moment all I could think was “I wish I had said a proper goodbye, I wish she never got pregnant, then none of this would be happening” I started to bust out in tears, and a friend of mine who was nearby hugged me as strong as she could, I was struggling with the awful notice.
A few days later I find myself with the dogs, one of them started to get sick, he was looking weak and without any appetite to eat, there we were at 4 am going to the nearest vet we could find open where we got some treatments and sure enough the dog got much better, today was the day that I started to Crack, I woke up as usual, when it was time to feed the dogs, we fed 2 of the males, and when it was time to feed the only female that my dog had given birth to we found her not moving, we tried our best, we tried cpr, we tried to reanimate her, we were doing everything we could but it was to late, she was eating more than fine, but we could not defeat destiny, no matter how hard we tried it was not enough, I had to dig a hold in my backyard to bury her in, I had to put her in the hole, not moving, not breathing and the saddest part, her heart had stopped beating, I had to cover her up with the dirt, patting it down to give her a proper seal and bury, throughout the day I felt as realization had come to me, I’m carrying a lot of weight on my shoulders, between the school, the homework, the work, taking care of the puppies, barely having time to sleep, feeling like everything is going downhill, I just can’t take it anymore, and I can’t quit my job because I want to be seen as someone that is strong, that I’m capable of doing things by myself, for them to be proud, for me to feel like I’m worth something, and to add on I don’t feel comfortable with my body, I hate having a lot of body hair, I hate being skinny, I hate all my imperfections, I hate my arms being this thin and making me feel weak, I just want to share this with someone, I want to quit, now more than ever, but I can’t, I just want to be heard, but at the same time I want to avoid passing on all of this burden to someone because they have their personal things going on, I just want to rest, I want for everything to be okay, I want to feel like tomorrow doesn’t await with another bad news, so for now the only thing I can do is to write this, maybe for myself only, maybe for someone to read of one day I decide to give up. I watch a lot of moments where my body goes, and does a lot of stuff, but my mind doesn’t follow, I want to fake a smile for no one to look at me weird, or for no one to worry, I just want to feel loved, I just want to be fine again, I want for all the pain to go away.