Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

This is going to be more of a rant where I process my emotions as I type. 2 years ago today marks a breakup of a relationship that lasted 4 years. My breakup was really hard because unlike many, I was blamed as the reason for the breakup. The usual cliche excuse was not used, instead, it was a gesture to all of me as the reasoning and then a sudden cut off in communication. This left me confused and hurt, I spent the next year crying and not being able to get out of bed or get anything done. That year was when I started self-harming and spiraling down again, which I had done early on in the relationship as well. I hated myself and believed that just as my ex-partner had said, I was abusive and cruel with no consideration for their feelings. I don’t really know what is true, was I abusive? I’m not really sure. Since that time I have painted myself as a monster in order to justify the breakup and have counted everything against myself. My family, of course, is no help, as from the beginning have screamed at me and ignored my problems and feelings. I feel alone and as if I am in a dark place. However, I also believe that I deserve to be where I am and that I deserve much worse than what I am currently experiencing. Is this just due to some type of trauma? Is it really bad to feel this way? Even through all this, I have desperately clung to my ex-partner, begging for any attention from them. Yet every time I say something to them, I feel like an annoying ex crawling back for love because I can’t find it anywhere else. Is there something wrong with me? Well, that’s all for my little rant.