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This is going to be more of a rant where I process my emotions as I type. 2 years ago today marks a breakup of a relationship that lasted 4 years. My breakup was really hard because unlike many, I was blamed as the reason for the breakup. The usual cliche excuse was not used, instead, it was a gesture to all of me as the reasoning and then a sudden cut off in communication. This left me confused and hurt, I spent the next year crying and not being able to get out of bed or get anything done. That year was when I started self-harming and spiraling down again, which I had done early on in the relationship as well. I hated myself and believed that just as my ex-partner had said, I was abusive and cruel with no consideration for their feelings. I don’t really know what is true, was I abusive? I’m not really sure. Since that time I have painted myself as a monster in order to justify the breakup and have counted everything against myself. My family, of course, is no help, as from the beginning have screamed at me and ignored my problems and feelings. I feel alone and as if I am in a dark place. However, I also believe that I deserve to be where I am and that I deserve much worse than what I am currently experiencing. Is this just due to some type of trauma? Is it really bad to feel this way? Even through all this, I have desperately clung to my ex-partner, begging for any attention from them. Yet every time I say something to them, I feel like an annoying ex crawling back for love because I can’t find it anywhere else. Is there something wrong with me? Well, that’s all for my little rant.

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I can understand this very well
I remember I stood in front of my ex door for 5 hours in a cold winter night and all she did was turn up the music and went asleep.

It hurts, we cry, we hurt ourselves and we get trapped in that negative or dark energy

Making us difficult to live

However, all I can say is we make mistake to learn and we need to move on

You need someone who knows how to handle you

Not everyone can take care of a flower

Understanding and the sense of maturity with patience is all we need
I wish you very good luck and a bright future and pray to the lord that you find someone very loving who will make you feel proud and happy.