The thing is I don't know how m i feeling now...cz I don't feel anything nowadays..
I have a lot to say..but m not sure if anyone out there is ready to listen or not..
Sometimes it feels like everything is ruined already...
Plus ive been already taking therapy sessions with few experts..and currently i am looking forward to have a session with Dr Meghna too..
Ive heard a lot about her...so yeah..this is what going on in my life..


Its a pretty long story if i start writing now i may end up finishing it Tomorrow...so r u really into it!?

firstly I'm not master, but @yuni i read every single line nd come to this conclusion that come over it... being sexual is never been a part of love....love is more than sex/kiss or any kind of these things.......Nd you sure experience that....but firstly get out of these things , the world is more than this, enjoy the journey don't rush...!! 

i tried to get out of that as i already mention that , but i guess in doing so ive created a big mess ....
in dec jeevan tried to contact me few times but i didnt respond somehow controlled myself ..and the truth is i was very much affected by his texts or calls i used to read them a lot same msg whole day ...used to see pictures of him ...i didnt deleted any of them bdw

i never blocked him on any social media platforms instead chose to leave from there ...i acnt hate him he was very 9c to me ...i still sometimes cried while going through our pictures or just by just remembering our own journey...

ukw ... i tried to forget him but while doing so i talked to amny ppl like 1000s of ppl just to feel distracted from him ...and i found a guy on an app ....we're talikng a lot by talking to him i just escape from reality nd tbh when i am with him i dont easily got thoughts of jeevan or else its like every single second every single thought of my brain is for jeevan literally evry thing is related to him ....

but uk the guy i was talking to have feelings for me he said he never felt like this the vibes the connect everything was 1st time and special too... this tym i dont want any1 to love me and all i get is this shit ....
the guy told me about his feelings in jan then i thought as time passes he will go too ...but he didnt ..he is still there everytime i asked him to leave or something like that he just dont let me go ...and the tone ..yeah his vooice tone ....he said all these lines so cutely that in the end if i want him to leave  i couldnt say it out.....

in march ive decided to finally get out of this too... i told him again not to call or text untill i do ...but the next day he called and said cant live without me and not feeling good he cried too....
i thought why m i hurting him i cant do the same that happened to me ..so i continued talikng to him
we are still talking dont know what god has decided for me .... all ik is m gonna leave it all upto god he will figure out on his own whats good for me and whats not 

Koi bhi chej itni kbhi nhi bigdti ki sudhara na jaa ske, believe in yourself, nd ye kisi bhi side se axxha idea nhi tha ki distraction ke liye you talked to hindered of people...No, make boundaries nd like you said that boy confess feeling , if you really don't wanna hurt her...leave him, actually this is the best idea bcz abhi bhi hurt hi ho raha wo, bcz you're already confused in whatever you want so free him, talking to him lead the conversation to no where, reply na do, late reply do ,pyar ki bat hi mt kro....apne aap attraction aur intrest km hoga aur wo gyab.

Sorry for late reply I just came online...

2020 = you told us
2021 = ?    

or what you just said to vaibhav in reply is that all for 2021 ?
If there's more I wanna hear it all....

Yeah...for now that's all...
Now what do u think just let me know..bcz i just can't focus on anything.....my academics are. Affected by it i just can't focus on anything..plus there's a problem of hypersomnia with me... sometimes uts like i slept for 18 19 hrs continuously.....idk but there's a fear in me..that i might end up hurting some1 ...the guy i am talking to is 9c very caring very loving...but i felt like what if one day i leave him how would he react...how would i react ... I don't wanna hurt him ....u can say that I'm weak vut whenever he cries i cried too...idk just cant see any1 in pain bcz of me...... I'm trying to not to get attached with him now bcz if i got attached yo him ik i may end up hurting myself even more.....i told him everything about jeevan...still he's with me...idk what to do...
Its just that my entire routine fkkd up bcz of me only + i cant focus on anything+ career tension.... there's a lot i am going through rgt now mentally....idk when will this all end ... sometimes it feels like i wanna do this that everything but then just realised i don't have time...i wasted a lot too.....
This year is very imp.for me academically, carrerwise 
I want to focus on me on my books but i just can't idk why...
I don't wanna end my life ....so giving myself a few chance idk what will happen next ...its just that m not feeling anything ... completely numb i am ....


@vaibhav07 all i wanna say is don't u think I've not tried this ... he's stuck ..no matter what i do to him he's still there ....and whenever i saw him in tht cndtn ...i immediately apologize...its just that i cant hurt any1 now... I've already did what u just told me...not to reply late replies but he sends me 50 texts that i cant just ignore it like that ...i feel bad too ...its like i don't wanna be bad person .... I don't want him to hate me...and I don't wanna hurt him sch mei...
And the distraction thing...yeah i talked to many ppl cz it feels so bad to think about a person for 24x7 ...i did what i felt rgt...my intention was never to hurt any1....idk what to say...like sucks yrr


about Hypersomnia - did you diagnosed it by your own by reading symptoms on the internet or you were medically diagnosed by a professional..

Do you have feelings for this new guy? jara time leke soch ke sach sach batana kya feel karti ho is ladke ke baare me !

@yuni see i understand whatever you are saying but life is all about taking a strict decision , you know you are hurting him by giving her daily times ignore  50 text one time 2 , 3times, by  passing days he understand that you you aren't interested in him and attraction with you also fade away with time.....c love is a complicated topic you have to decide what ever you want to do we are just here for listening you for guiding you just to show you the way but to walk on the way or to not wolk is on your hands.....    you also know that he is good for you but you are confused and confusion lives to know hair yaar Aisa kuchh karne ka koi matlab nahin hai vah bhi ghar hoga tum bhi halat hogi chijen aur complicated hongi ine sab se bahar nikaalo thoda life enjoy karo also a kahana bada hasi hai jab khud per aati hai tab pata chalta hai, believe me mere sath bura ho chuka hai and its heart yaar sometimes andar hi andar hua kahin na kahin ek memories rah jaati ho raha hai kya trust issue create Karti Hain bt unse kuch nhi hoga.....you need someone to talk don't go elsewhere, we are all here with you, I'm with you hmesa.... don't think much , be relax

and you're really a kind hearted one...bt duniya jaisi tm ho vaisi nhi h na @yuni , to ittne axxhe mt bno... just telling from my personal experience

@master no he's not from Maharashtra we peoplel are from Rajasthan.....why do u think so?
Bdw why so much of details ...
+ I do have feelings but m not sure that these are for real or not i mean its happening so fast idk...
And yeah m not reading on internet I've been consulting to doc since feb ...sometimes he suggested me to take inspiral med or something like that idk the whole name ...but he wants me to not have so much of med instead do physical work more...yeah its a doc thing 


Last night I analysed your data (what you told/your condition) came up with a result (it was way bigger than what you typed😅) but to finish it I needed a little more info. but now I think that isn’t necessary…
so I’ll not send it .........
instead I'll complete my response with this short para…

Yeah @vaibhav07 is right… you must reconsider what vaibhav07 told you…
you have Lack of Willpower
do not talk to strangers (there are many predators waiting for a prey out there)

You know what to do and you try to do it but you fail bcoz of willpower and your (nature) innocence/easily trusting others… you just have to do action but after doing that don’t look back

new guy = talk /chat with him about topics in your syllabus… instead of talking all other things you two can help each others in studies… (it doesn’t matter if you 2 are from different stream- if he has feelings for you then he will not get bored & will try to help you in ur study = so you 2 can stay connected & your time will be better spent rather than wasting on unproductive chat).

There are many people (boys & girls) in India who r hurt bcoz their partner cheated on them… duniya me yahi to chal raha hai - koi na koi kisi na kisi reason se dusre ko hurt kar raha hai… aur it’s effect depends on ki hum kitne conscious aur strong ho situation ko samajne ke liye…

so some people are like Jeevan and some get emotionally either high or low… and as you are a girl and of-course you are vulnerable emotionally and nature wise also so many people will try to take advantage of you…
also there are many good people out there who needs to be saved
they are like - drowning in the water so they will catch anything that comes to their hand to get out of water- they may catch your hand just to let themselves out of that situation then eventually they will go their way…
but may be this New guy has real feelings for you (I can’t be sure coz I know nothing about him)
so never let go the people who love you but also never keep people who are trying to take advantage of you either emotionally or physically…

and ya always consider what your friends are trying to tell you… your 2 friends were giving you right advise but you did what you wanted so friends se advise lene ka koi matlab hi nahi bana kyu ki tumhe jo lagta hai wahi tumhe karna hai na…

and keep this in mind - do not share your contact details to any stranger, not here on now&me and also not somewhere else…

I know in this post I haven’t given you any solution coz you know the solution but aren’t doing it…
eg- bachpan me 9 ka table agar tume nahi aata tha to pehle pehle tumhe lagne lagega ki nahi ho payega learn kabhi but with enough practice and determination 9 kya pura 20 tak tables learn kar sakte hai…
hum sab me capability hoti hai bas har koi khud ko samaj nahi pata....

ok my time’s up
bye
always consult one of your friends before taking any decision coz you aren’t in the condition to take any right decision …

all the best for your future

and ya thank-you for sharing with us...

have a good day-

@master ....thanks 
May i ask why do u think so I'm not capable enough to decide whats good for me nd whats not...2nd whats with that state thing why do you think we are from Maharashtra!? Ans please 

@yuni.... you're capable of doing anything , even taking right decision for yourself....you better know what suits you....

Life

Hi, lately I dont feel like myself anymore. Me, as a person, loves to know people more, understand them more. Lately, I realised people who matter to me, have a really bad image of me in their minds. I, as a person, when gets hurt, have a tendency to get angry real quick. But I always thought and I still think, there is more to me than anger issues. I am always there for my people when they need me. I cannot have an stagnant image/opinion about anyone near me, as I mentioned earlier, I just like to get to know people more and more. So hearing negative opinions about me, affects me a lot. Lately, I have received them so much, I keep wondering what is the purpose of my life or is there anything good left in me ? The people I talk to, they just keep telling me, change yourself, don't do this, don't do that, but to be really honest, I am very tired. Over the past year, I got out of a 4 year old relationship and also distanced myself from 3 major friendships(they had turned toxic) I had in my life. I really don't know what to do.

Stress

Does it ever get better?

3am Thoughts

I need help, this is to vent because it’s 4 am and no one’s awake. I can’t feel anything right now, I’m completely empty, there’s nothing going right. I’m at my complete lowest. I just don’t want to live, there is nothing worth living anymore. I don’t have anything, I don’t want anything, I don’t have any goals, I don’t have any feeling. I just don’t want to continue living, I don’t want to keep waking up, I cry every day. I feel so numb. don’t know how I can live anymore with everyday being the same. I can’t stand it, it eats me alive, I can’t stand looking at food, I can’t stand consuming it will every little calories going down my throat into my stomach contributing to the rolls. I can’t stand walking, it’s so embarrassing, I can’t even stand breathing I hate it. I feel nothing. Nothing but sadness and embarrassment. I feel like I want to throw up every single second. And going back to school will only make everything 10 times worse. The only reason I can’t bring myself to end my life is people will cry and miss me even thought I think everyone hates me I know somehow people actually do care about me, which sounds cringe but I can’t see anyone liking me as a person romantically, physically, emotionally, I can’t see it. I will never comprehend it. I’m such a disgusting, fat, ugly, person. If you’re wondering a little bit of what my situation is I have a skin condition that hurts like hell to the point I can’t sleep at night, I’m constantly touched, sexualized, and fat shamed from my brother who has anger issues, I hate how my body looks and have put on a lot of weight, many people have also fat shamed me like my dad who obviously doesn’t mean it but he jokes around and calls me a pig and says I’m fat but I take it seriously, and Im a loner who barley has any friends and have been sexually harassed by family members since I was little.

Eating Disorder

I have so many thoughts in my brain on a daily basis, just like everyone else, and keeping them to myslef has started to make my head hurt. So even if no one reads these, I need to get them out there or I will go certified crazy.

Most my feeling and thoughts revolve around loneliness and the feeling of having no one. Seems very basic, but I know that my thoughts and emotions are getting so powerful, deep and intensely depressing that they pose a threat to me and those around me. I dont know when and how I started to feel this way, but I think about how alone I am and about other people every minute of every day and it is affecting my career. All I want is to study, do something productive and live myself, but the thoughts of other people and what they think of me consumer me so much that they prevent me from doing anything.

And the funny part about all this is that I actually kinda find everyone around my annoying and intolerable. And holding onto the people I do like spending time with is so hard because everytime I think about talking to them, I get the feeling of self-pity like why would they talk to me, I am sure they have better friends and noone really likes me, or that I dont like them and the only reason I am talking to them is because I need someone to talk to.

Anyways I really need therapy and will probably start it soon when I am less shit scared about exploring the fucked up shit in my brain, but I want to write everyday and I hope someone out there reads these and knows theyre not alone (just like I hope I am not :)

Wish I would disappear

Mental Wellbeing

8.51 am

a part of me is paranoid, loathing myself for being slow, all the insecurities, having reacted at my bf n others due to my insecurities, and so much stupidites..
Also the fact how in the past 1-1.5 months i got burnout and fatigued due to anxiousness, guit, overthinking and overly expecting from my self despite having some tasks on my -to-do lists still pending from a while
i also got up from covid and so many other physical and mental n emotional factors within and outside of me

And the other part is telling myself it's sooo okay. I so shouldn't compare myself to others. it is okay is many tasks and things were undone, somany were done atleast. It is very much okay to be off work, and just crawl if i couldn't for all thie while, life is here, it is now is ahead, it is beautiful. damn anxiety..but yeah coming backt o it... mind working slow and full of thoughts n anxiousness...it'sokay..life is ahead. life is now.  life is beautiful

Nothing feels real anymore 

Lately I’ve been really sad and it’s been like around 8-9 months of feeling like this . I think it’s a phase , and since I was going through some  really major changes in my life I tried to avoid my emotions and keep myself busy with work and studies . I feel displeasure in all the things I once loved . I have tried a million times to start fresh and I did pull myself up, but I failed everytime . I have completely failed myself and I’ve deattatched myself from most people in my life and no matter how selfish this sounds but I feel better this way, away from everyone , alone and this makes me feel that I’m the worst friend anyone can have . Above all, I feel like the worst daughter because with all the academic stress on my head and finals on the way, I try to ignore my parents because I don’t wanna say anything harsh to them. I don’t wanna be like this, I wanna be calm . I binge eat and I’m unable to focus on a healthy lifestyle, I have gained weight and it’s not evident if one looks at me but I can feel it , because I just feel all this gabhrahat at times and I feel pain in my body every morning I wake up , somedays I get this really bad pain in my lower abdomen that I cannot even stand . I think of visiting the doctor but then I just keep procrastinating 
It . I used to be so good at managing things , and now I cannot even make a plan and follow it . I’ll be productive one day and next day I’ll be on the bed the entire day . I’m unable to concentrate and focus on anything. One day I was scrolling through YouTube and the educational channel I follow was live at that time, I clicked on it and they were talking about the symtoms of depression , I related to each one of them but I could not accept it instead I tried to check up on a friend of mine who always just looks really low and sad . 
Today I gave a self assessment test, it said that I have high symptoms but I don’t believe it , how is that even possible? I’ve always been a happy and a cheerful  person and I am probably just going through phase , this cannot be true but idk . I just don’t know, I just wanna be  better .

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts