Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

The last two years have been awful. I never knew growth was this hard. I’ll start from the beginning. Ive been an introvert all my life, in high school I was approached by a strange girl who I later began to develop feelings for. Her name was Ashley and she was all I thought about. Long story short, I learned that Ashley had a bit of a complex and enjoyed leading me on because she enjoyed having followers. This sort of fucked me up having this happen in my more formative years. I spent the rest of high school getting over her. She changed after that, she got a boyfriend and moved away to new york and we stayed in touch as friends. Occasionally playing league of legends. I never dreamed of falling for her again. Eventually, she broke up with her boyfriend and came home to reconnect with her family. We had many friends in common and naturally we all started hanging out again once she moved back into our friends house. One thing lead to another and I ended up planting this seed in my head that maybe things could work out between us now that she was back and she wasnt so manipulative. She insisted on a platonic relationship but I wasnt ready to listen. I started paying her large sums of money to dominate me. It helped us both because she needed the money and it was very therapeutic to me. My therapist says she made me this way in the first place or at least contributed. Anyway it ended up pushing them away. I began to get more unstable as she started seeing other guys. I pushed all my friends away. It broke me down to my very core. Fast forward and I am talking with one of them again but ashley doesnt seem to want anything to do with me. I still see her with other guys and it breaks my heart. I dont know what to do. I dont know if ill ever get over her. Ive been in therapy for 2 years and its not help. I want to end it all. She’s the most beautiful thing to ever walk the planet. I miss my friends too. I feel more alone than ever. When she left I started messaging random girls on instagram trying to fill the deep hole in my heart and I lost more friends in the process.