Sorry this is long and depressing, it mentions abuse and depression and suicide and self harm and stuff so be careful reading.
I hate myself so fucking much. I am honestly nothing more than waste of space and oxygen. Shouldn’t someone better be alive instead of me? All I do is hurt people, hurt myself, i get a rare chance at something good and what do you know, I fuck that up too. I wonder why I can’t just die. I used to think “no, because what about all the things I’ll miss out on?” Now I think, at least I can’t be left out this way. I am so fucking sick of everything!! It’s all so fucking fake and deceiving and I just can’t take it any more. The only reason I’m not cutting myself again right now is because I’m so fucking lazy and it’s cold. How pathetic is that? How utterly wrong am I? I hate this thing that I am and I don’t know how to change this thing that I have become. Every night before I go to sleep I have memories that I have crushed down. It gets too intense and it hurt and I just hate that something so fucking dumb is my downfall. I got bullied, so what, doesn’t everyone at some point? But what happened to me was different, all the mental abuse, the fake gun against my head, the way you had to act a certain way, they’d exclude, and manipulate they changed me so fucking much they got into my head and made me a monster but isn’t that my fault? I let them in after all. I was a kid when I got to that school, just 10 but when I left 3 years later I wasn’t a kid anymore I wasn’t even a person. It’s just not far that all these years later it still haunts me. How they hurt me. The people that they convinced me to hurt for them. All of it. It torments me and I can’t sleep when I do it’s nightmares and I’m having trouble telling the difference between the truth and the nightmares that never leave me alone. Why does something so fucking dumb still hurt me?? I hate me!!!
I just want to die. There are so many ways I’ve thought to die, so many different options that I have already tried. Drowning. Suffocation. Cutting. Maybe next attempt I’ll jump into traffic, off a cliff like one of my friends tried, or I’ll have too much of my medication. That’d be ironic. I hate how dark I feel how dark I am. It’s like a weight on me and I don’t know how I’m still breathing.
Everything is so different from what I thought it’d be. I just need something else, something more than this hell that I’m in. I can’t stand it anymore. All of my jealousy. All my rage, the PTSD I can’t handle it!!
Everyday is the same. I hide, I hurt, I try not to cry. I do all the cleaning because no one else will, I try to do my school work but i fail every single time no matter how much I try and it just hurts why aren’t I good enough?? I do my best but it’s never ever enough and now I just can’t stand it any more I just want to say goodbye and leave I don’t know what to do. I can’t. I just can’t anymore.
I want those happy memories, those cliche ones that the teen movies promise, I want to do dance competitions like my friends, I want to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend I want to have friends at all, I want to find a romance, go to the school dance, go out and do dumb shit, I want to break laws and drink at a party I just want to have fun and do everything we are meant to do. Not this. You want to know what this is? It’s crying on my bed. In a fluffy pink blanket in autumn at 3:30pm in the school holidays thinking I’m sorry that I’m so pathetic and stupid and just not good enough. Why the hell am I like this? I just want those happy memories. I don’t want to keep running away and crying on the side of the highway listening to depressing songs because they say what I feel better than I ever could. I want to be able to smile and mean it and have fun and be invited to parties and have people think I’m pretty or think about me at all I just want so damn much. But i have none of it.
Maybe I’m being pathetic. jealousy, greedy. But everyday I’m so fucking scared. And it hurts so damn much. I don’t think anyone understands me. I wouldn’t be shocked if no one reads this or comments thinking I’m crazy. Maybe I am? Who knows. I just want things to be different. I want to go on holidays and just breath and find myself. I want an adventure. I want fun. I want a good difference.
I don’t know who I am anymore and I just hate this. I understand these songs too much https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTmaY4EsmG8 and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRX7VgDxtfI and so many other songs. I just feel like such shit. This is my last year of high school, where are all those memories and happy times I was promise huh? Where are they? Because I can’t take much longer of crying and cutting and just pretending things will be OK.
I’m turning 18. The closest I’ve had to romance is sexual abuse and heartbreak. I’ve never been able to do anything fun and reckless. I have no money and I’m not allowed a job. I can’t do my dream of dancing in competitions. I’m alone. I feel so lied to and hurt and I just don’t understand anything. Aren’t I supposed to be happy by now? It’s been 5 nearly 6 years and nothing has changed, I’m still hurt and scared and debating suicide. I just want to scream out “please someone save me because I can’t save myself anymore.” So if anyone has any ideas, I’m listening. Thanks for reading this.
Sanjay @knowshowitfeelslik...
Hey , Idk what to say
But please don’t ever think of leaving the world…
What you can do is make yourself busy to get rid of these painful thoughts and old memories,
And please listen to some less sad music , make sure you by every day you decrease a level of sad song,
And for sure one you will be listening to some songs that actually make you feel like dancing,
And as you want to dance , engage yourself in dancing, it will help you to forget bad memories and
Work on yourself so much that
One day will come when you don’t need people to enjoy , people ask you to spend time with them
Its never late for anything.
And find someone who actually understands you , which also help you to get over from such thoughts.
And do meditation every day it will help you to keep your mind stable
And you can watch some good movies to make your head busy in something…
And if you want to talk hmu on insta ,I have mentioned my id in my profile.
Maybe this helps :)
Thank you so much for your nice words. I wasn’t expecting anyone to answer. But thank you. I’ll try to listen to less sad songs and focus on dance. I have a performance coming up so that’s fun! Things are just pretty tough at the moment. Everything is piling up and I just found out that my dad is sick. Cancer. So I’m really stressed and scared. But honestly it feels a lot better to be able to say it and have someone care. Thank you again :)
