So today is another good day. I just had the best exam I could ever have attempted. Since it was online one it was a great hit and me and all my friends discussed it and hopefully everyone will pass. After the exam I again started thinking about life and my part in it. Fortunately I follow Sadhguru and the aim and perspective of life is very much clear from what he believes and says. But still I don’t get the answer as to why the conditions around me exist which are strong enough to make me depressed in just a few hours if i start thinking about it. Moreover let’s say I feel depressed then I cannot even discuss it with anyone. On a given day if I don’t attend my lecture my mother makes me feel useless then imagine if I tell her I feel depressed. Now she may intentionally won’t do it but the way she reacts is too much for me to handle. So I try to keep my family out of it. So more than the depression the thought of people knowing about it scares me more. Also there is a lot of misunderstanding about the topic because I have seen them talk about it and it doesn’t look like a good scenario. So my home is not the ideal environment to open up about depression. Moreover they cannot handle even the basic chores without getting frustrated so I would not want to bombard them with my problem. Also I am much convinced that such things have to be dealt sensitively and my family is incapable for this.
Now if not them I have to find another person for this. The best thing that comes to ones mind is a psychologist. Now it’s not an easy thing because the rates are too high and me being a student cannot afford it. So eventually my parents are the only one to fund it and for this I have go let them know about which I cannot so I am back to square one. Well you may suggest that they are your parents and you can talk to them share with them and all other things. Simple right?
Well here is another suspense in the story. The reason that I was depressed for a major part of teenaged life is my parents themselves. Suprised?
Let me elaborate. My father is an extremely self centered and toxic person. He can go beyond limits to get things done according to his way. He can be mean to another level that he can make a person think what did I do so much that I got this treatment. Also he gets immense pleasure to get joy and motivation out of a person’s life and he literally feeds of these.
Talking about my mother yes she is on the safer side and she is a responsible person. Until some 2 years back I used to look at her from ideal person perspective. Then I came to know that she is having an affair with a person and they chatted actively. Damn the mobile! Well even at that time I thought that it’s her life and she can handle it and I left the thought. Few months later that guy blackmailed her with morphed pics and it turned ugly. It ended in a police complaint and thankfully it did not did that much damage. I thought now the problem is solved and now things will recover. Now, not even 6 months into the problem she again started talking with another guy and this was devastating for me. My thoughts were racing like hell and I couldn’t believe how can she do this. Took about a month to get over it but whenever saw her with a phone it just scared me. So my mother is too much involved in this thing that she is okay even if it screws her up badly.
So above was my problem with the suspense. Wait… a little part of suspense is still remaining. In my family I have zero value for my thoughts and opinions. Although the world may admire it truly but the same thing is taken the opposite way in my house. If I suggest anything about something they always feel like I am gonna create a problem. They belittle me too often. They cannot take even 1 second to think before humiliating me. Even my 5 year younger sister can get away with insulting me in front of my parents knowing nothing may happen to her and it is unfortunately true. If I complain to my mom she will side her or will do nothing and ignore.
So nothing happens in my house based on truth. It just turns all emotional drama and abuse and I am at the receiving end of it. So from this context I have also been resentful about my family many times.
Well, finally no more suspense. I told you 3 different aspects of my life mostly involving my family. Now when you put all these together this becomes my level of suffering. It can go on forever and shows no sign of ever getting better. When I sit and start thinking about this it just gives me extreme levels of feeling low.
It is generally said that what you get in this birth is a result of your previous birth’s karma. So I think I might have been a dacoit or murderer in previous birth according to this.
In the end I can sometimes handle it well and sometimes I feel like trapped in this misery. My wish is when I feel low I just want to discuss it with someone no matter who. I want to hear someone else saying that “it’s okay” and that you have handled this really well. Till now I have not found any such person but hope that one day I will and that will be the end of all my misery.