So I guess I have this major self destructive streak in me. I don’t know when it began but a lot of the credit has to go to my parents and how I was raised. My family runs away from happiness and comfort. To them, feeling happy for more than 5 minutes is luxurious and suspicious because their lives have been so happening and hectic. I have been used to the negative situations so much that when I don’t have them, I just don’t know what to do with myself. I scared of being happy because like the rest of my members, I too have not had a day without worry and crappy news. I have not had a day where I went “everything was great today, nothing was out of the blue or depressing” infact, when I have days like these, I purposely sabotage them to give myself that peace of mind. Like for example, I had a good day at work, but I would start to get a little suspicious and sabotage it by watching 3 hours worth of netflix or procrastinating, that way I always say to myself, “atleast today’s worth of bad was done and it was this little thing, not one major big thing” I do not have the mental capacity to deal with big negative news. I have to put my brave face on, be in denial for a really long time until the reality shakes me awake and floods of emotions are released. I have a huge exam coming up and while I am super underconfident for it, I am trying to stay afloat, but yet again comes my self sabotaging streak. It takes over my plans and goals and leaves me to beat myself up. Because the last time I was not so self destructive, I was hit to the curb by dengue and I was in alot of pain. I hope you get what I am trying to say. Feel free to write any solutions for me.
All i can say is i believe in you and you got this.
