Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

So i dont actually know what I have is the depression anxiety or other issues but I’ll just say when it started making my life miserable… So the problems between my parents started when I was in about 2 years old or so but i didn’t know all that until I was in the 2nd grade or so… There was always arguments between mom and dad… My mom used to cry most of the time at night and she said also things like I will suicide one day and all… That hurt like hell hearing all that… And most of the time my dad wasn’t around… He just come home like a couple of times a month… Also it started affecting me when I see other kids with their mom and dad… It hurt like hell… I also had a brother but we weren’t close at all and we used to fight like all the time so I felt alone even though I had friends in school and all… So years passed by with the same situation and when I was in 6th grade my dad left us… At first I didn’t feel that much of a difference but as months passed by it started affecting me a lot… And finally came my birthday the first one in which dad wasn’t there… That day onwards I hate my birthday the most… And I’ll be at the worst mood in that day… And I don’t like celebrating it since then… So my issues just got piled up one after another and for the first time I fell in love with a girl… I don’t know if it happened because of all I was going through or not I never felt like that before I was like addicted to her… I think maybe I was just desperate for someone else to show me some affection or something… I don’t know… But after when she learned about my feelings for her she became furious and said many things like I have only seen you as a friend and all… And she stopped talking to me… For like 2 years or so… And my desperate need for some affection led to the end of our friendship… Bu I still loved her and I would have done anything for her… Then suddenly one day she stopped coming to school and she was someone who rarely takes any leave compared to me… Days passed… Months passed… Our exams was about to begin and I grew more and more sad and feeling suffocated since seeing her was the only thing that kept me going forward… And on the first final exam of our 9th grade I heard some people talking about her and learned the fact that she’s being undergoing treatment in hospital for aplasthamic anaemia (which is disease that occurs in one’s bone marrow)… And I was crushed… I was going through many emotions at that instant it almost felt like I was gonna die… And the only thing in my mind that kept on repeating was everyone who comes close to you or has a place in your heart will suffer or leave you… I just kept being dragged my fears…it was going getting harder each day acting like everything is fine…And like that days and months passed and years passed and it took me more than anything to forget the one sided feelings for her…only when I reached my high school the final two years of my school… I joined a boarding school made many friends that helped me a lot in overcoming many sadness even if it was a little… Then again I met a girl ( a junior)I fell in love again… But I was never gonna confess my feelings… I just suppressed it for months but I kept on trying to learn about her past her family and all that added to more of my misery… Her mom and dad separated when she was 2 years old and when she was in 7th grade her dad passed away… And so on… I just wanted to go and confess my love to her but I hesitated … And later on I learned that she was in relationship with an asshole… Who was just playin with her and she ended up being heartbroke and many of her friends started harassing her … So I stood up for her without her knowledge and scared the shit out of those assholes and she later somehow learned about me doing all this and kept on asking my friends more about me and finally my friends told me all this and forced me to go and confess my feelings in person… But the fear of losing people still scared me… But somehow I mustered up some courage and proposed her… We started talking… She grew more and more in love with me or I thought… And after two months of talking she left me for another guy who was one of my friends who she only knew for a week… And that was felt like my nightmares coming life… It was so painful af…after all these time… Why don’t I deserve some happiness… I never done anything wrong but people around me just end up hurting me… And after 3-4 days he left her because he was scared of me and my other friends but I never threatened him after all what he has done… But he left her and harassed her a lotand hurting her feelings… Heartbroken she came to me with all these… Someone who she left after all the things she done to me… But seeing her in such a state I calmed her down started talking again and on January 25 2020 I proposed her again and we was in official relationship until October 16 when she left me again… So nothing changed after all these years… It’s just the same shit different people… Leaving me broken… And the insecurities which is just crushing me day by day… Hour by hour… The constant pain… Anxiety… Paranoia… Is just eating me alive… All those suicidal thoughts… The broken family… The broken bond between my brother… Just true loneliness… I don’t know how long I can keep doing this but I have to… I can’t cause more suffering to my mom… Because she’s only one that hasn’t left me… Till now… But still I feel so lonely all the time… And I don’t have the energy to anything… It’s like I am drowning in my own thoughts… I just want to be at some peace I just don’t know what to do anymore…

But I will not give up… And I will find peace one day… Hopefully… 🙃🙃

PS ; sharing again without being anonymous;)