Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

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⚕️Depression

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😰Stress

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›Loss›Thought

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Anonymous

Since childhood, I faced sexual abuse, ragging in school, physical and verbal abuse etc, I was trying to understand all this and to solve the conflicts in my mind but before I can do that my Grandfather died. At that time he was the only one who used to listen to me, understand me, he was the bestest friend one can have, and I was so young(in 2nd std) to even properly get the idea that he is gone forever and all those feelings of harrassment and abuses got permanently fixed inside me, but just after his death I was beaten with shoes and belts by my uncle as he wants to satisfy his anger and even my parents used to be there and all this used to happen before them which kept going on for quite a long time and because of all this I developed a fear which gets triggered everytime I feels like someone or something is opposing me and because of that fear I became so aggressive that I became the biggest reason for my parents to get hurt. I was the biggest reason of fights in our home and even after knowing all the things I couldn’t solve all this as I felt like completely out of my control. Memories of my grandfather along with all other bad memories of abuses kept making me more and more miserable, time passed by and saveral years later I met a girl with whom I fell in love and I felt like I should do all I can to make myself a better person for her to love and as our relationship kept going I fixed all my habits of over aggressiveness, lack of ambition, unfocused, miserable person. I was so much in love with her that I had even decided till the last moments of my life that she will be by my side as we have made the most beautiful and complete love story of all time. I was in college for my engineering degree when a financial crisis occurred and I had to drop out of the college which was a crucial step on the path of my ambition and it gave me a deep cut inside as I cannot think about any other career for me and I loved so much what I was pursuing and just after 3 months of dropping out of the college, Girl I loved more than anything else left me after 8 years of relationship and when she left I spent the initial few months trying to help myself out of it, I used to say to myself that I am powerful enough to handle all these and kept going. Which is going to be my biggest mistake as I thought that I was solving all the conflicts where as I was just suppressing it inside and it was teasing me each and every day. It’s been 3 years since we broke up and from that point till now I have changed the most. Mood swings are so rapid that I am completely unpredictable even for next minute. Sleeping, eating, working patterns all are disturbed, while going through all of these things final incident blew the hardest right inside my mind as 4 months ago my Grandmother died,
After losing everything she was the only hope I had and now as she is gone I forgot how to cry, how to express, the only thing I always have on my face is smile, which had become the biggest burden as I want to cry out loud to empty myself out of all the heaviness. I used to had a lot of ambitions but now I just want a peaceful mind free of all the conflicts always taking place inside.

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2 replies
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Anonymous
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Hey i am very sorry you feel this kind of pain in your life but i will tell you that i am surprised even i have almost similar situation like you the only difference is that the girl i like never likes me(one sided)and since 2017 i feal depressed all the time the only thing which help me is healing my childhood trauma so i am suggesting you please seek professional help…if you are unabel to do that then chek this guy on YouTube “High Worth Cycle” it will help this channel only about healing your pain and trauma hope this will help…see you on the other side peace out 😊

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Anonymous
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Thank you for your help buddy, I pray that you heal all the trauma and live a happy and prosperous life.

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