sigh my life’s a mess.
im a junior in hs now, and I completed my entire sophomore year online, barely steeping foot into school once or twice the entire year. One year of staying at home has made a shitshow out of me, like seriously, sometimes i cant help but wonder what if the pandemic never happened? Would I be better? I’d have the sophomore ay of my life. It was going to be a fresh start, filled with exciting opportunities and lots of school activities I looked forward to. My whole life, I’ve only ever attended f2f classes so the entire online school thing was pretty new to me, and honestly many. Transitioning was quite a big deal, but I got used to it.
The thing is, before the pandemic locked us away in our homes, school was like my safe space, the only place where i could be me and i had a nice social life, made a lot of friends and not to brag or anything i was moderately popular amongst my peers, I also actively participated a lot of school stuff and won prizes, got good grades, I was basically like a perfect version of me, freshman year. I was so happy… too happy, I never imagined it would be surreal dream.
(I even helped and talked one of my now best friends out of doing something fatal)
sophomore year rolled in and i just… i dont know, stopped. Its like the pandemic broke away pieces of this mask I wore, revealing suppressed emotions and thoughts. Initially i was excited about online schooling, but that slowly died away. I stopped talking in class, responded only when I absolutely needed to, withdrew from all my friends, barely shooting them a text or two stating “I’m fine, how are you?”
In reality, I wasn’t. At all. My grades started slipping fast, and i stressed my arm writing too much to the point that i walked around the house in a hand sling for three months. I felt and still feel so lonely, like there’s nothing else to do, there’s nothing to live for anyway. This went on, the symptoms of severe clinical depression increasing rapidly. I bunked classes and got distracted trying to find myself again, doing anything to feel something. That included watching multiple tv shows and unhealthily obsessing over fictional characters in maladaptive daydreams to this day.
The dark times of my sophomore year merged into the fresh beginnings of junior year, also going on, online. I developed anxiety, loads of insecurities and social anxiety as well, heh you know what they say. buy one mental health condition, get seven free? yeah, that happened to me. in midst of this chaos, i also found out something else about myself, my identity-I’m bi-- and that was a whole another tornado of feelings and stress and insecurities. Many many months later, I’ve finally accepted myself but i cant exactly tell anyone cause my entire family is homophobic and are merely disgusted by the existence of the community. i however, came out to a few of my friends in may, and there were some mixed responses, but mostly good ones. remember the friend i helped overcome suicidal thoughts earlier? shes my best friend and prob my only irl friend who also knows im bi. she doesnt know im depressed tho. :')
anyway, back to me turning emo.
i went back to social media to connect with my friends but it became toxic, consuming all my time and attention, making me lose focus on my academics. I made a few friends online who kept me company but it was too distracting. I deactivated my twitter, left tumblr and instagram… it still didn’t help. I haven’t been able to focus in a single online class for more than five minutes, I just login and let the class run in the background while i do my own thing, which is bad because like i said, my grades have slipped too much to the point im almost failing three subjects out of five, i always lack motivation to study and i have a huge backlog of school work weighing in the back of my head. I try doing my homework after im done with school, but i fall asleep somewhere in between (yet another glorious symptom of my untreated depression), scribbling untidily over my notes. I don’t take notes in online class either, since i practically skip class to write fanfiction online, my spotify playlist playing in the background. wow.
im always tired and exhausted, even after a good nights rest, i never ever have the motivation to do anything-- especially study, which doesnt make sense, cause i used to love to study, i was even the third topper of my class for a whole year but now, i feel so dumb cause i dont know anything at all. I keep procastinating my work and it piles up in the last moment, stressing me out even more. now the only things i know by heart are mgk’s lyrics. as dumb as it sounds, its true. hes helped me out a little bit, his music resonates with something in me, but i still havent gotten out of my funk.
to top it all up, shit goes down in my house, im left reeling emotional trauma after trauma.
See, i told you my life is a mess. im just barely hanging on, i do my best to keep away negative thoughts but i can only do so much before a random emotional outburst.
sigh i really dont know what to do, and im looking for some practical advice. ive tried the illogical shit all over the media but nothing had helped so far.
help a fellow teen out?
Heyyy buddy, first of all, I’d like you to know that you’re definitely not alone. I completely get what you’re saying- I’ve been in your shoes. I was the president of my school and won a lot of star student awards. I had a lot of friends and my grades were always straight A’s. But then the pandemic rolled in and I kinda lost my focus. Also deactivated Instagram. So firstly, you’re NOT alone. Most of us feel the same way. The pandemic has isolated all of us. But ykw, the thing is, reflected a lot about how drastically I’ve changed and I introspected so much. The pandemic is only as harmful as you let it be. I see that you’re also going through a lot of change. Who knows if it wasnt for the pandemic, maybe you would’ve made a lot of toxic friends which could have led to your downfall? But ykw, you distanced yourself from your friends and those who were true to you stood by your side. That’s one thing. Another, you say that you like writing fanfics. Is that a talent you discovered during the lockdown? Are you passionate about it? Writing is so much better and productive than socializing with people who probably speak negative stuff behind your back…
Second, congratulations on coming out as bi 🥳🥳🥳🥳
I’m proud of you and any girl/boy would be lucky to have you. I know it. I’m glad you have a supportive friend. Maybe take a backseat on telling your parents yet?
Third, your grades. To get those on track, we need to focus on your mental health first. Have you tried going to therapy? Or gotten any sort of help? You know, believe it or not, meditation has a vast impact on attention and concentration levels. Speaking with first hand experience, if you’re ever free, try it out, it might surprise you :)
You seem like a smart person. This is just a phase. Think of it as a period of growth. Really. This time you have on your hand, utilize it to find what you’re passionate about. Put yourself first. It will work out eventually, I promise. And i know for a fact that your grades will improve eventually. Your kind of people bounce back sooner than you know ;)
Take very good care of yourself buddy. I’m here whenever you want to talk 🥰
thank you so much this message made me feel better and really cheered me up. yes, i write fanfic, its just something i discovered im okayish at during the pandemic so yeah. and i will try meditation. thank you. i hope you get better too.
I don’t wanna brag about “ Be positive, Stay calm focus on your future and all”.
Things didn’t go well like you thought. Man you are depressed you need to hangout with your friends talk to them in person, make a plan go out and pour all the emotions and definitely your friend will help you. You know friends always have their own way to help out others.
yep. unfortunately, i cant meet any of my friends for a few more days so ill have to wait
Heyy!!
Im going through the exact same phase…it’s like u narrated my whole story…i just wanna say that it’s not only u…many ppl like u and me are there…and honestly ur story really helped me rn…
so thanks a lot…i hope u get betta
thank you and i hope you get better too
