Should i stay or should i go?
Five years ago i got together with my current boyfriend, after a series of terrible heartache ultimatley caused by my low self esteem and a lot of unhealed complex childhood trauma.
To be honest i never felt quite as attracted to him as i should have, i really did like him from the bottom of my heart though. And i was sure that i could not trust my intuition and attraction spark because of my history with difficult behaving men and me still working on my issues. He is attractive, he is kind, but since i know him he also battles serious depression and suffers from social anxiety. It was not easy and we gone through a lot together. Always trying to improve both of ourselves. I am an extrovert and and introvert at the same time, i am a very creative person, my main job has to do with teaching art, i love art, i paint and having exhibitions on a semi pro level, i sing on an amateur to pro level and even have gigs in different countries. He did go to about 2-3 concerts of mine in the last five years, but he dislikes Art, he went to one of my exhibitions which was a pretty awful evening. He does not want to do anything apart from visiting his friends and family, doing his sports and go out for food once in a while and sit in front of his laptop or tv.
90% of our conversations are either about our two cats, or they are about food because he likes to cook. I am a talkative person that not only likes to share opinions but also uses communication for problem solving, discussing, or explore ideas and concepts. He on the other hand only ever shares the bare minimum. He is introverted and needs a lot time on his own. I understand that, i do need time on my own aswell, though not as much as he does, i sometimes have to cut loose from the outside and need days in which i barely do a thing other than relaxing at home, my parents used to say i am a couch potato. But that is not entirely true, i just need to shut out the noise. I work out 3 to 4 times a week for at least an hour, i try to eat healthy and take care of myself. So i guess what i want to say is that i do enjoy being lazy and play videogames or binge watch series, as does my boyfriend, but i try not to let it get out of hand. In the last few years living with him i often felt somewhere between trapped and safe in this relationship, i love him very much, it is a very stable relationship. My boyfriend is trustworthy, and a good person, i like his sense of humour and we can be silly together. But i cannot talk to him as if he were my best friend, the two times we went for a walk last year he was not uttering a word, and even if we go somewhere together i feel so lonely because of him not speaking. I can see him discussing stuff with his friends and family, i often hear opinions i never heard before. Sometimes he shuts me down on things i say, but he is all for it when his brother says the same thing. It hurts . I talked to him often about it and he said he tries to improve it but after five years of barely a change it feels like this is just the way it is. We are not talking about sex- ever, which is a shame. In bed it is hard to get him to do propper foreplay, even after 5 years he is not able to make me orgasmn going down on me (he learnt it in the beginning but forgot again) or stroking me, sometimes it even is really uncomfortable what he does. When i try to show him he how to do it, or criticize him, he gets angry. And because of our emotional distance, his clumsiness, i lost interested in sleeping with him for quite a while now. It feels as if we do not have a lot of things that we do together. He tries his best, but he often is emotionally very unavailable to me. I always go out on for drinks on my own, visit museums and concerts on my own, meeting my friends on my own. He never visited me at my workplace (not even after working hours) though i really wanted to show him because i love it. But he asks me what i want to eat every day, when he is out shopping he always calls to ask me if there is anything i need. When i am feeling down he tries to cheer me up. I am 35, i have to hurry. We both want kids in the future and live on the country side. I do not know what to do, there is a part of me that wants to leave him desperatley, but there is a part that cannot imagine life without him.
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