Seince school days i had don't have any frnds i am in college and still not having any frnd i tried many times to make friends but no one became my friend. I have never talked to a girl as I don't know how to start a conversation and weather she would reply or not I don't know why no one wants to become my friend.. Sad life 😞

Koi baat nahi bhai mere friend ban jao mere paas bi koi friend nahi hai 😊

I felt the same way when I started college. Just remember you have a whole year ahead you and you’ll make a lot of friends. I have faith in you. Just try putting your self out there, don’t be scared, and have confidence. It will all come together really soon.

Friends

Anyone of you all know how to change the username?

Conflict

It’s amazing to me how basic human needs can be seen as a burden to others. 

Depression

I am TIRED. I’ve prepared for this exams for months and still i stand nowhere given the competition. 
I don’t want to take a drop. But what option do i have. 

College

#5..........Days went by or maybe weeks I didn't really keep a track of it. But all the while I felt very confused. I was talking to the guy (let's name him Mr. X) with the face of another. Though I stopped talking to Mr. X but I kept looking at those pictures and couldn't get them out of my head. Gradually I became curious to know who the guy was in those pictures ? What's his name ? How his voice sounds like ? Personally I'm someone who kinda gets attracted to men who have a nice voice. So I like any other girl with her expert FBI skills went on a hunt for this man. And yep...after a day or two I indeed found him out. Now that I found him and also know his name (Let's say Mr. A)  I was again stuck at the question - How do I approach him ? Being a introvert girl, approaching or initiating a conversation with a guy gives me severe anxiety. I backed off a bit just to think. Millions of thoughts ran through my mind but I couldn't gather the courage to approach him. One night, I was overthinking as usual over this matter and within an impulse I sent him a follow request on Instagram and just thought to myself that I'll initiate conversation later, first I need to atleast be on his following list and get a glimpse of what kinda guy he is from his activities..........(to be continued) 



3am Thoughts

How can parents not love their child just for not being academically excellent ? Having to beg to be loved is so hard especially when it's your own parents. Is it too much to ask for ?I literally can't get closer to anyone or love anyone who isn't family . I don't have friends, I don't have siblings, I don't have a lover and I just love my family unconditionally. I have even told my dad how I feel because I literally don't even have anyone else to tell all this . Since they know how I feel and how they've made me feel. I am literally proud of myself and I will never be ashamed of myself. All I want is unconditional love if it's not unconditional then it's just that your drawn to something you admire.I've been marked for my academic achievements haha I am treated like trash because I don't score how he wants me to and I don't get anything without my academic scores being assessed.I've literally been raised alone and have no siblings or friends it makes it so hqrd for me to bond with people.. my parents didn't ever encourage me to have friends(I'm an extrovert and I have friends but none with whom I share a bond and can't love them to the fullest because I've never had a bestfriend for more than 6 months) and say they were just enough for me. But had many friends and people to share their happiness and sorrows with while I'm all alone. I am just so scared that nobody will ever love me unless they see what they want in me. And yes it's been an absolute dictatorship here. I've been deprived of choices yeah I don't mind living for others yeah If it makes me happy I'd do it but it never did. I've never had a choice be it a color or what I study . Everything I have is what he likes and my likes and dislikes never mattered my choice is indecent even before he knows what it is. Spending time together is a miracle. Being available always is impossible .I just get jealous when I see other fathers expressing love for their sons and daughters. I wonder if I am the worst son. After all I may not be an achiever according to him but I own every failure of I'm because I've learnt from it and succeeded . Just pointing out my flaws and talking about me being financially dependent on  him (neither was he at my age) oh yeah every fight starts from thetopic of money haha literally the least spent on me. I'd rather prefer to grow in a an orphanage with the just thatsame spent on me atleast be loved by someone.who boasts about providing basic necessities for their own family?All this is extremely toxic especially when he says I cannot ever be equal to him or achieve anything in life like him(narcissistic) tbh idc I feel I'm far better than him right now and don't want to be him . I have an amazing mother who loves me a lot but just fails to understand me well.I'm tired of feeling that I am just not good enough . Ik communication and understanding can solve these problems but I just hope it's two side because only then things will get sorted  or maybe I should move to a hostel so that the time and the space helps them realize. I have no happy memories maybe I do but are blocked by the negatives .I know that the three of us love each other a lot but don't understand each other well. I hope that changes. l have never been hurt by the insults because I own every flaw of mine because that's what made me stronger and I'm proud because I am honest with myself. Sometimes I think that the fear of someone else hurting your loved one makes you hurt them the most which is absolutely toxic. 

Lonely

I can't be with my boyfriend because his family won't allow it due to cultural reasons. He told me that we could never be together from the beginning. I've never met his family. We've been together for 6 years. I've always wanted a family and to get married but he doesn't. I really really love him. And I know he loves me too. I could never ask him to sacrifice his family for me. And it breaks my heart. Knowing that this is a ticking time bomb and that one day I won't know him. The pain is overwhelming and I tend to break down when he is away but smile when he comes back. 

My boyfriend broke up with me without giving any reason but he is still in contact. If he texts me i cannot resist and reply within minutes with a hope that he will come back to me. If he asks for help i cannot say no because if i do that fills me up with regret. I like taking care of him. i like talking to him. but it all seems one sided now. i realise all of this ignorance from his side but i dont seem to accept the reality. 
He promised me once he will fight for me but today he is the only one who left me without any fight. was it so easy for me ? if it was then why stay in contact. too much of confusion and hurt. 
Sometimes i think i dont love myself and thats why i am still letting him hurt me. I want to love myself, i want to stay strong and stand up for myself and stop giving in to him. 

Due to all of this my self esteem has dropped drastically. 

Breakup

I had a bad fight with my mom, which lead to my anxiety getting worse which lead to a mental breakdown which led to me chopping off my hair. The good thing? My hair actually looks kinda good 

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