Trigger Warning
Please stop stating sadness as depression and nervousness as anxiety. By no means I am saying your suffering is less than others but being sad is a normal mood swing and depression is a mental illness. When you’re sad, you’re able to make yourself feel better in a few minutes or maybe in a few hours or even in a day. But, the same is not true with depression, at times you lose the hope to feel better. You just don’t want to exist anymore. Hell lot of times you feel suicidal. The reason why I am saying this is because people do tend to believe that you are just sad when you are actually depressed. They think what’s so serious about it, they say even they get depressed but their willpower is stronger. That’s the whole point maybe you never understood what depression is. And I truly wish no one goes through it.Even though, everyone says that learn to accept, don’t get hard on yourself. Take your time, start therapy and indulge yourself in different activities and you’ll overcome depression eventually.But the truth is, it sucks. Everyday you feel guilty of not doing anything. There are days you dont get up from your bed. You just stay in the dark, talking to no one. In that phase I have felt two emotions the most and they are sadness and anger. For no reason, I have cried for hours in my room. For the smallest stuff, I have yelled at my parents. If you are the one, who feels emotions strongly, then it is highly possible you’ll end up feeling guilty more than ever.It’s been nearly 3 years now, I have been dealing with depression. I get to point where I feel nothing. Even if I have an exam next day, I feel nothing. I don’t even try to study, even if I do, I end up closing my books. And then punish myself for giving endless excuses. The point is I don’t understand myself at times, I really want to. But I become the most confused soul during this phase. Someone with no hopes, no believes, no energy, no interest. Probably, someone who is numb to everything around and within her.You know what everything seems to heighten, mostly negative stuff. You attract negative things strongly more than ever, you tend to overthink, you start giving a lot more attention to what everyone thinks of you, you start feeling you are alone when you are actually not. There is something I realised yesterday, so it was the last day to complete my International Economics assignment, and I hadn’t even started. So I asked a few friends of mine about it, and you know what, each of them was ready to help me, even when I didn’t ask them to. But, it didn’t make a difference because I wasn’t ready to help myself. And I ended up not doing it. One more thing I have accepted lately is that this version of me is also me. For a long time, I have consoled myself saying that this is not me, I can’t be this person. I was talking to my teacher lately, and she said why aren’t you accepting that this is also you. Each one of us has a lot of parts of ourselves within us. Sometimes the parts we don’t want to control us, do control us. And we hate it. But sooner we’ll realise that this part of us is not someone else but ourselves, you are one step ahead in this journey already. At this moment, I feel guilty that I have ruined all my routines and everything. Here I am doing nothing for almost 3 months now. But, a part of me is there, which sometimes pop up to make me believe that it will all be better.Therefore, I accept that this phase sucks, but eventually I’ll learn, learn a lot and will emerge as a better individual than ever before. We are here to learn and hope is the only thing that keeps us going in the moment of despair, even when we ourselves are hopeless.
Hey there. Thank you so much for sharing this. You have so amazingly shared what you went through along with how you have learnt to accept it and yourself with time. I think that’s what is required for all of us. Your post gave me so much strength man, thank you so much. Specially where you said “Each one of us has a lot of parts of ourselves within us. Sometimes the parts we don’t want to control us, do control us. And we hate it. But sooner we’ll realise that this part of us is not someone else but ourselves, you are one step ahead in this journey already.” I think we conquer everything when we learn to accept ourselves, half the game is won once we do that. You’ve expressed this so beautifully. I really and genuinely hope that you get better soon because you’re seriously an inspiration. It takes guts to firstly realise these things and then also to talk about it and share it here. Kudos to you. Take care and stay strong.
This is literally the first thing I read in 2020 and oh how much strength it has given me! Thank you :)
Thanks for sharing this. I am reading it in 2023. I cried as I read this because it makes so much sense.
