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Pathetic. I don’t think there is a word or if any word even means anything. Everything is meaningless. I feel rage. EVERYDAY. uncontrollable rage at my life and self. I have begun to HATE and LOATHE the idea of humanity and life.

Am not a child but I think I didn’t learn the tools to cope and now as a fully grown adult am as good as a child, probably worse. Life wasn’t supposed to be this. I wasn’t supposed to be this.

Earlier I tried to fight this feeling of being lost and losing out on life and people coz of my thinking. But after 7+ years I doubt I have anything left to try. I tried all extremes- prayed, did spiritual healing, fought and stayed away and blamed my old parents for my misery, lost precious time with family, drinking, over working, trusting other people despite my bad experiences, counseling etc. I tried to kill myself too and realised am a coward and killing yourself takes a lot more than just being sad. So now am stuck. Without a job, without a partner, with ageing parents I have burdened with blame and guilt so they cannot do anything for me. They have freezed and all the people around me freeze when I talk. I scream/yell at times coz everything screams inside with anger. So I get why people stay away. So lost right now. I just stare and feel the pain. Hoping it will pass eventually. It has to right? It has to.

I don’t know I ranted. Got zero hope at this point with myself or the idea of life. I don’t know.

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Hey!
There must have been something very deep happened with you of whose rage you are carrying with you now too.
I am sorry for that.
I know you’ll say that giving advices is much easier than actually implementing it, i understand this, i completely do.
But, by trying to kill to yourself, yelling, shouting will not give you any answer or solution you problem or rage.
Since you said that you have tried every extremes for this, i dont know if you have tried meditation or not, if yes please do it again, but this time dont think that you’ll get rid of you rage and anger immediately after you start practicing it, give it some time, everything happens in its own pace.
Please try it.
If possible go to the meditation center for a course 10 days, it’ll really help you.
Secondly, never ever think or have suicidal thoughts, you have old parents along with you, who just you to be with them; dont let make them see the death of their child while they are alive.
Trust me, for them it will be the worst day they’ll ever see or witness.

Take Care
I m sorry, if i hurt you somewhere.