Pathetic. I don’t think there is a word or if any word even means anything. Everything is meaningless. I feel rage. EVERYDAY. uncontrollable rage at my life and self. I have begun to HATE and LOATHE the idea of humanity and life.
Am not a child but I think I didn’t learn the tools to cope and now as a fully grown adult am as good as a child, probably worse. Life wasn’t supposed to be this. I wasn’t supposed to be this.
Earlier I tried to fight this feeling of being lost and losing out on life and people coz of my thinking. But after 7+ years I doubt I have anything left to try. I tried all extremes- prayed, did spiritual healing, fought and stayed away and blamed my old parents for my misery, lost precious time with family, drinking, over working, trusting other people despite my bad experiences, counseling etc. I tried to kill myself too and realised am a coward and killing yourself takes a lot more than just being sad. So now am stuck. Without a job, without a partner, with ageing parents I have burdened with blame and guilt so they cannot do anything for me. They have freezed and all the people around me freeze when I talk. I scream/yell at times coz everything screams inside with anger. So I get why people stay away. So lost right now. I just stare and feel the pain. Hoping it will pass eventually. It has to right? It has to.
I don’t know I ranted. Got zero hope at this point with myself or the idea of life. I don’t know.
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