Ok. So long story short. 12th board exams, are scaring me, I haven’t started studying at all.
Yes. I’m not kidding.
I don’t know anything, If I fail either dad’s gonna kill me or I shall kill myself.
I’ve been trying my best not to harm myself.
And today is day 4 to not harm myself.
Idk how long I can resist.
I hate this. This pressure. I forgot everything I studied.
I feel so worried I keep overthinking and overthinking and overthinking my mind off.
I know very well I’m not gonna survive this exam.
I don’t want my past to repeat itself.
There’s a lot of domestic violence in my house.
I hate my dad.
He hits, belts me, and his anger,will make him hit everyone in the house. It’s very screwed up.
Dad’s friends daughters and sons are perfect, they study well, that’s all.
I can’t study well.
But I have other skills. Which dad hates.
I love basketball, painting and drawing anime stuff , I love music I sing.
For my dad only marks matter.
Nothing else.
Just because his friends daughters and sons are purfect but. Not like them I’m useless and worthless the times he hears their succes I get beaten up because I’m not as perfect as them.
I hate myself so much. My body is so numb I literally can’t feel pain, even if I hurt myself , dad hasn’t hit us since a year. Now.
My problem is board exams if I don’t score 90%
I cannot live.
I will not have the rights to live.
It will be the worst nightmare.
The end of the world.
Yes I’m exaggerating so much because that’s gonna happen if I don’t study.
But I can’t, I’m not able to study.
I’m not able to concentrate.
I just can’t focus.
I’ve been trying since 3 months I can’t understand anything is going above head, and it sucks.
I just lie in bed and do nothing. No motivation to study, my body and brain have given up on me my back and head aches so much.
Ugh.
I want to give up.
But not yet.
Will I survive?
You 100% will survive. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this, it doesn’t sound like you are in a particularly safe place. No father should be hitting their child. You deserve love, support and safety. It sounds like you have a lot of beautiful passions that should be recognised, drawing and painting and music are all wonderful things. You shouldn’t feel shame for these.
I know I don’t know you’re situation more than what you have written here, but I really would recommend contacting an authority that concerns itself with the safety of young people. You shouldn’t have to live in fear of your dad and you shouldn’t be being abused by him.
You can survive, you deserve to live. You are so important in this world.
