No one has the audacity to affect my mental state. I think I have had enough of controlling forces influencing my life, all thanks to my subconscious systematic programming . For long, I have adhered myself to the submissions which was designed so that I can hide my filth inside the cunning mind. I have ignored so many things in my life to be at the stage which I am right now. Often I feel cornered . I cry in my mind and shout at the defiance which has been accumulated inside me. I want to address and face the reality. 

Depression

On that rainy eve..
The one where the whole eve was cloudy and sad..
I forgot to take the umbrella on that day..
I was all alone on that office corridor...
The thunder was like striking on my heart..
All alone..
People around me were busy dropping their loved ones and bidding good bye to me..
I saw them..
Said goodbye smiled and waved..
Rain resumed..
I was there all alone
But even at that moment..
I was simply happy!
Loved my solitude
Loved my own company..


But yesterday in half asleep
I was praying
I want to die, I want to die..
That me is giving me chills, making me scary..





3am Thoughts

I just don't know why but I have always been alone in my life, I cannot bare anyone in my family like they always laugh at me and always scold me. I know I'm a bad child but at least I have the right to live happily. I know no one likes my mom then why do people come and scold me for that reason, why do they take my sis away from me?. I'm done 

I feel lonely i have no one to talk but then it is my fault whenever i get in any relationship whether it is friendship or dating there is this sick feeling that i am not worthy of being with them i always wear a mask of this fake person who is pure... if anyone of them know who i truly am they hate me they will hate that i did mistakes at early age, they will laugh how my mind is most of the time filled with thought of me being Just shameful and nothing more... they deserve better and i don't want them to know that how i hurt myself how it makes me calm when i bleed i know weird messed up .... Whatever anger guilt shame sadness i feel i just bottle it up for the moment and when i alone i let it all out on me.. someone who i loved most find out only about hurting problem and he tries his best to stop me but i didn't but i sure feel happy with him i feel so good then someone cared but in my head he is doing it all cuz he feel sympathy and guilty for saying me that i am defected it was about my ear there is this scare it's Little .. he Said he just joking he didn't mean to me which i don't believe first and i just pretend that i accepted his apology but he could tell that i didn't the sweet things is he kept trying to apologise and when i get to know him better he is best person i have ever known....i feel so happy with him he is the best friend i could ask for but i started pushing him away cuz I feel i never be good for him ...but he never leave ..... And one day he just stop talking to me start pretend like he don't me... that day i had a totally mental breakdown and i still feel the pain ...i feel pushing people all i know i am just to mess 

Friends

I don't know how to start,i am feeling like i am dying and its heavy to breathe. I don't know what should i do after my graduation, its just my aimless life,i loved this guy and he cheated on me and i couldn't fall for anyone else. I just can't stop thinking about him and i want him back ,it feels like he is my mental peace . I am aimless without him and all i do is cry,its been 2 years and he never came back . I tried to talk to him and it never worked out as i got blocked from everywhere. Now i don't know what should i do as my graduation is over and all i can think is what am i suppose to do now and how am i suppose to do it? 
I am tired already because all i can see is darkness, i feel so heavy and its killing me. 

I am feeling positive and ready to share positivity


Anxiety

Navi mumbai panvel anyone up for coffe

Confusion

Very depressed 
Depressed

I was very passionate about the field of logistics and supply chain and built my career around it. Got good fame in the industry as a person who could troubleshoot any problem, who could make loss making operations profitable. 
Then in 2012 shifted to management education at the request of someone to establish their PGDM course major of Logistics in the industry. From zero placements in logistics in 2011, I reached 100% placements for the students of logistics in 2014. I even organized international conferences with industry stalwarts and had a focus on women empowerment in this field. 
I had single handedly modified the syllabus of 6 papers constituting the major and was the only faculty for those papers. Problem was I was unable to find others who could teach along with me considering the knowledge base required to handle these papers. This was also openly declared by Head of Education for CILT India in his speech wherein he had said that he never came across this kind of syllabus anywhere in the world and there won't be many persons who could teach this kind of syllabus. I was also instrumental in opening the first Institutional chapter in the history of the organization that was more than 100 years old with a presence across more than 100 countries.
But during this period post the year when I placed my entire batch 2 months before the start of the placement season, I started facing tremendous amount of politics and opposition from other facilities including the senior ones. In 2015 there were multiple attempts to discontinue my major resulting in me going through a mild heart attack in December. 
Finally I was handed down a new syllabus that effectively killed my major. And this semester the last students of my major will pass out. 
Of course placements started suffering from 2016 as repeated attempts were made to discontinue my major. 
Now it hurts to go to the college to teach, having lost interest in everything and last couple of weeks I feel like jumping of the 6th or 9th floor..  I couldn't go back to the industry as that would require leaving home and had couple of verbal fights with my wife who refuses to go to some other place and also refuses to allow me to go. Can't blame her much as she wants to be at her home and wants me to be at her side. Plus she has her own problems. 
So I have virtually given up and keep dragging myself and till the time I can continue the urge to end everything. 

Am I just a punching bag for everyone's frustrations?

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts