My mind is overflowing with ideas that i just cant keep to myself anymore, i have no one to talk to, even if i manage to find someone they would be probably creeped out and i just cant feel that I can put my thoughts into words properly, hence i decided to hop on here and write them, organize them and let it all out.
Since i was a teenager, i had difficulty connecting with people, but i found myself a group of friends that i thought would have my back forever, im a very loyal person, so i was grateful for them and content, then as life went on, i know everyone has their own life and problems, we started to drift apart, but recently it came to my attention that they no longer enjoy my presence and there is nothing i can do to fix that, they use me for their own benefits, to give them rides, or to connect them with some of my acquaintances, help with their homeworks and online tests, i know im being used, i know that im giving more than i am receiving, and i still do those things for them because i dont want to be alone, i dont want to be left out.
i know that its a toxic relationship, and some people might say better be alone than used, and i gave myself that exact advice, but whenever i try to follow it, i end up disliking myself more, i overthink everything, i wanted to know why is this happening? why does people dont like me anymore? i came up with the hurtful truth, that even i dont like myself, i developped several insecurities about my appearance and personality. Now im alone and judging myself, as i said my brain is overflowing with ideas and i just cant sort them out, one thought leads to another and so on… I read a few quotes and articles about self love and taking care of myself, trying to be okay with myself, liking myself before other people can like me, and i started a journey of fixing everything i dont like about myself, i started eating healthy, working out, trying to be more accepting of other people, having my temper under control, and stopped almost all bad things that i do and i feel guilty about, but every time things are going well , i have a relapse, i feel so alone and off i go back running to my old habits(binge watching seasons and seasons of series to escape reality and heavy smoking), then i feel that i have wasted the good work that i have achieved towards healing and i feel even worse, tonight marks my second night of my relapse and am at the point that i cant take it anymore, the feelings are too much for me and i cant keep them to myself anymore, so i decided to write them here, perhaps someone would read them and i got some things of my chest.
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