Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

My father and grandma died in 2012, I was about 12 years. I tried to understand what’s going around me and so went in a trauma for like 1 year. After losing them, I saw my mother’s pain and struggle very closely to earn and feed us . My brother grew up so fast that he took my responsibility to help me grow. After getting things settle… now we were at our beginning to step into our dreams, and I saw my mother’s death so closely again that I don’t know how to trust in life. How to understand my own emotions? , how to keep hopes?, And how to stop pretending that everything’s fine with me and I’m strong . In reality, it’s just so difficult to not see my mother around …Not to hear her voice and scoldings. Sometimes I feel I didn’t gave her much time or where have I gone wrong ? And this struggle of shifting to another country so to start a new life … How can I start a new life when I’m not happy with the existing one ?