Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Me and her started the relationship in a rush (both have ADHD, typical 😅)
We were in a LDR in the beginning since I was studying in another country.
I moved back home and we moved in together a week later.
Life couldn’t be better.
Well, there were some things that were hard, we were always fighting, but always made up because we really loved each other.
After 3 months living together we realized this wasn’t working.
We broke up.
It was really hard, I really loved her and was always thinking I could change so we wouldn’t fight as much and that we could be together.
She was the only person in the world that I felt really understood me.
We tried and failed being friends.
She tried to infiltrate my friend group because she has no friends.
That was really hard.
I felt like I couldn’t meet my friends without meeting her as well.
I still loved her so this situation was fucking me up.
Fast forward a few months and we were actually starting to be friends again, it felt like it was working. I still had some feelings but I thought they would go away eventually.
Then at a party I noticed that my best friend was acting weird around her.
I asked her about it and found out they had been seeing each other and had sex but he came inside her without permission and she ended it.
I was devastated.
How could my best friend sleep with my ex?
I asked him about it and he broke down, he was having some issues and had some predatory behaviour towards women.
I told him he needed to go to therapy, he did, and we eventually became good friends again.
My ex and I also became friends, and suddenly we were growing close again.
We started dating again but she was not feeling good.
She was having an identity crisis, she thinks she might be a trans man.
We decided that it would be best to end the relationship, it was hard for her/him to feel like he had to be a different person than he actually was for me.
He is going to have testosterone treatment and that scared me as well, I was scared I would stop being attracted to him.
This was 4 days ago.
Today he told me he was feeling lonely, I talked to him for a bit but then I said I had to back off for a bit, it is hard for me to be there for him while I still have feelings for him.
He was really mad at me and asked if I couldn’t just think of him as a dude.
I told him that would take time, we had been in a relationship for a long time while he still identified as a woman so it takes time to change that I’m my mind.
He was really mad and said that he would never forgive me and that I was a terrible person for not cancelling my friend and that I was as bad as him.
I am devastated.
I still really care for my ex. He is having such a rough time because of the identity crisis, he has no friends, no parents, only one brother and a transphobic grandma that has no idea he is trans.
He also has PTSD, ADHD, PMDD and possibly BPD.
I am just writing this because I have no one to talk to, all my friends are partying.
There is nothing that I want more than to be friends with my ex, but he said that would never happen so I am really sad.
I know I should just let go, but that is so freaking hard.
I am also really scared because my ex basically lost her only friend today and he has been suicidal before, so I am scared he will do something stupid.