Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Losing my soul

Iam trapped at my family home my mother is extremely absuive and I really want escape this place Iam 22 years old and last week my mother and sister’s attacked me because she think Iam losing faith in god and that my mental health problems arent real I just need to get closer to god Ido t know what to do Iam losing myself and I feel like Iam a damaged person no matter how much I try to fix myself and stand up for myself or speak for myself I go back to zero whenever my mother invalidate me and she keeps saying that Iam nothing but a waste and devilish soul. I wish i can leave thos place but it is really hard for me to do so Iam thinking for just giving up and trying to live by her rule except that there is no damn reules she doeant love me and never considered me as her daughter and I do not have any friend or a boyfriend that can make things any bettter I stopped cutting a month ago I try meditation sometimes and I really wanna be a better person but Iam stuck in my trumas of the past and the ongoing truma with my mother part of me still thi ks that some sord of hero wpuld come and save me but that part has died long ago Iam trying to get by and just be what ever she want even tho that hurt me alot iam a person of strong opinions and have alot of academic achivement I could make it If i left this toxic environment I just need somewhere away from her maybe things will get better maybe I can finlly be able to breat and live as I always wanted. The sad part of it all is that she always yelled at me when I draw or dance or just try to have fun now I can never dance or draw cause sth inside me says that iam a pathetic creature who doesnt deserve to have any sord of entertainment and even living. I would really appreciate it if someone could help me somehow. Or show some support Iam on the verge of losing myself and I really wanna be part pf this world and make friendship and enjoy having loved ones around me. Whoever read all of this thank you so much and I hope you are having a great time iam sorry if i gave you any negative vibes