Lately I have been confused with is what I think I want is really what I want or I am just avoiding something and I have this option so I am eager to use to it.
Backstory- I joined masters after completing my bachelors virtually in 2020 and then started the journey of virtual classes to connections. Not that we haven’t been in the age of making virtual connections (as all I have realized is we talk more to a certain someone in chats on whatsapp more freely than in person), however when this turned to a completely virtual mode with no in person human connections, it just doesn’t feel real. Sometimes I feel, one day I will wake up and all the persons I have known in past one year from my new college, which I dreamt of joining and eventually joined will just be a dream. All this just seems to superficial to be true and no matter how good people I have met through this journey, there is a feeling that if someday we will cross each other on a road, we might not even recognize each other, except a few good souls who always keep their videos on during classes and have very active social media presence. But what about the rest who unfortunately form the majority (including me), who are hidden behind those black screens and with whom we have had conversations between classes in similar chat boxes without faces. Will, these new friends and connections of mine even be able to recognize me and vice versa.
And this feeling of living an unknown life gives me uninvited anxiety in the middle of nights, even when I tell myself that this is what I choose myself- to be there and still not be there. I always thought its better to live a mysterious life when people know that there is some person like this and also don’t know its you when you will cross them (but then I used to think it will be like air- that necessary and equally unnoticed).
However, lately this feeling of everything virtual is giving me… I don’t know if anxiety is the right word, but whatever it is, it is not a good feeling at all. I am angry and moody for no good reasons. I am in fight with at least one family member everyday(sometimes the whole family too). I think I need change, cz I have been stuck in the house after my incomplete four years in college and then the next college started at home as well. But then, I also tell myself, its me who is not wanting this change just giving myself this excuse of being at home, cz I am not actually really doing anything for this change. And just cribbing about the situation in my head didn’t do me any good whole past year. And knowing all of that too, I didn’t do any thing great to make myself more equipped, busy or excited or anything in between. i just did whatever came my way.
And now I have this option to join a job and take deferment from my masters degree. IDK how wise or stupid this decision may sound to anybody who will listen to me. But the question in my mind is what I started this thought with. Am I willing to go for the job because I need change(being overwhelmed with this feeling of may be stagnation), or I don’t want to complete my master’s virtually and make connections in person (which I think will help me grow) or I am doing this to avoid my masters Research (which I actually have been avoiding telling myself I will eventually take deferment)…I don’t really know
And this is confusing and risky and scary and blinding and kinda makes my heart say to still hope
maybe I will find my answers going in the unknown…
You need a hobby to engage your mind. Try colouring. At first it may seem wtf how will it help but trust me you just need to accept the reality of this virtual world and be yourself.
