Lastnight i didnt sleep well. Although it was technically more than i got the night before.
After being struck down and moles at age 6 in a stairwell in elementary school, parents divorced as a teen which moved me from the west coast to the east with my mother age 14, 20+ years of chronic arthritis and fibromyalgia pain started most noticeably age 18, survived cervical cancer and an advanced c.difficile infection, was told my uterus was a hostile environment so could never have children, BUT i had 2 children at age 30(&32), was physically & emotionally abused at the hands of my childrens father, up until 2 years ago when i looked at my childrens beautiful little faces and realized that whether I deserved better in life or not- My Children Did ❤️ So i made a safety plan with a local transition house and got Out, Safely.
I have had a rough go. That only sums up the worst of things. But since being placed in a safehouse upon fleeing the abuse: my children got enrolled in school and are happy-doing very well, i enrolled in college-graduated this january, and having been able to see my doctor regularly now that im free to do so- ive found a decent medications routine that keeps my pain under control for about half the day-for on average half of the month, and i even met an incredible man who treats me very well because he loves me with all his heart And has now met and is bonding with my children.
I feel worn out at this point, overwhelmed, Tired. The stress i have been under has been seemingly endless, my whole life really🙄 and so i find i feel exhausted each day. But i have been getting some counselling (more frequently now that my college commitment is complete), and everyone is telling me to take some time for me, rest a bit. But, i want to Work. I want to start my career, provide for my children for the years to come. I want to Keep Going 💪
At the same time, i feel im all out of energy to do it, yet.
Ive been putting alot of pressure on myself.
Just trying to remain vigilant, and not give up. Ive come so far, i cant stop now, no matter how tired. Although i sabotage some days by being unable to get a good sleep at night, crying until the wee hours of the morning while the children are sleeping, and then i get them on the school bus-go inside to start house chores-run errands-pick them up from school-make supper and their lunches for the next day-Repeat (in short)… between this above schedule and my body paining and Alllll of these suppressed traumatic memories starting to come to the surface (as im no longer Focused on escaping, or Focused on schoolwork/exams/training…
I WONT GIVE UP!
I have Sooo much to be thankful for!❤️😍❤️ Just, Tired. Thank you for providing this place to express my thoughts ❤️
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