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Lastnight i didnt sleep well. Although it was technically more than i got the night before.
After being struck down and moles at age 6 in a stairwell in elementary school, parents divorced as a teen which moved me from the west coast to the east with my mother age 14, 20+ years of chronic arthritis and fibromyalgia pain started most noticeably age 18, survived cervical cancer and an advanced c.difficile infection, was told my uterus was a hostile environment so could never have children, BUT i had 2 children at age 30(&32), was physically & emotionally abused at the hands of my childrens father, up until 2 years ago when i looked at my childrens beautiful little faces and realized that whether I deserved better in life or not- My Children Did ❤️ So i made a safety plan with a local transition house and got Out, Safely.
I have had a rough go. That only sums up the worst of things. But since being placed in a safehouse upon fleeing the abuse: my children got enrolled in school and are happy-doing very well, i enrolled in college-graduated this january, and having been able to see my doctor regularly now that im free to do so- ive found a decent medications routine that keeps my pain under control for about half the day-for on average half of the month, and i even met an incredible man who treats me very well because he loves me with all his heart And has now met and is bonding with my children.
I feel worn out at this point, overwhelmed, Tired. The stress i have been under has been seemingly endless, my whole life really🙄 and so i find i feel exhausted each day. But i have been getting some counselling (more frequently now that my college commitment is complete), and everyone is telling me to take some time for me, rest a bit. But, i want to Work. I want to start my career, provide for my children for the years to come. I want to Keep Going 💪
At the same time, i feel im all out of energy to do it, yet.
Ive been putting alot of pressure on myself.
Just trying to remain vigilant, and not give up. Ive come so far, i cant stop now, no matter how tired. Although i sabotage some days by being unable to get a good sleep at night, crying until the wee hours of the morning while the children are sleeping, and then i get them on the school bus-go inside to start house chores-run errands-pick them up from school-make supper and their lunches for the next day-Repeat (in short)… between this above schedule and my body paining and Alllll of these suppressed traumatic memories starting to come to the surface (as im no longer Focused on escaping, or Focused on schoolwork/exams/training…
I WONT GIVE UP!
I have Sooo much to be thankful for!❤️😍❤️ Just, Tired. Thank you for providing this place to express my thoughts ❤️

3 Comments

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Anonymous

You got an amazing spirit… Keep it up! Don’t ever give up… It is very inspiring to see how someone going through so much difficulties still wants to fight back! Bravo!!! Keep inspiring :)

s

Thank you for reading and replying ❤️ I know it was long… i left out alot too, trying to keep it short 🙈 i think the no-sleep is back lately because i feel im not living up to my own expectations. And the wonderful man i met: i feel useless to him, as im “barren” now 😔 when i left my abusive ex-partner- i found out i was pregnant with a 3rd child. But, after having pains i got checked out- they said it wasnt living. A scheduled D&C (for what turned out to have been a molar pregnancy) went wring. I hemorrhaged so badly that it took 16pints of blood to keep me alive, as they remived the source- my uterus 😔 I list a child And my uterus 😔 i can never have more children. And the chikdren i have now are all i need ❤️🥰 i got over this because of my live for them ❤️ And the new man does not want more kids he says. But i wish i coukd have his child too ❤️ Despite everything- he is just Amazing. Like, this world would benefit from his offspring ❤️
So, i think that these thoughts exacerbated my sadness lately. I have been with him for a year and 5 months and its been perfect every day ❤️ Like we’ve known eachother forever, kindred spirits ❤️
So i am thankful for knowing him, and having him in my life, and for my children, and having my own life still with these wonderful things in it ❤️ Need to stay focused on the positive things right

Anonymous

Absolutely right… Easy to get pulled down by all the negativity. What really helps is to stay focused on the positives. Also, look at it this way, the past was bad, the present is better and future will hopefully be even better… so go out and make some memories :)