I’ve been together with my boyfriend for a long time now, he’s autistic and even though I love and adore him…I don’t know if I can deal with his shutdowns any longer.
Whenever he’s exposed to too much stress, or feels overwhelmed he just shutdown and doesn’t talk to anyone.
The last time we talked was a month ago. It can happen from one moment to another.
Now, as a child I was abandoned and didn’t get much loving so it’s especially difficult for me to have to deal with not knowing when he’ll come back.
As much as I understand that there is a lot going on for him(too much work, lost family members etc) I don’t know if I can do it much longer…
The thought of ending things fills me with sadness, but being in a relationship where you feel like you can’t relay on your partner doesn’t sound right. Isn’t what I need.
I don’t know what to do or how to even get him to talk to me.
You are required to get into his space, I know that sound wrong but read this first, when a person is zoned out, he seek for things that either calm him or distract his mind, you are required to be his go to person. Now the question is how, next time you talk to him make him feel special by small gestures like his favourite food, favourite thing to do. That will make him feel comfortable than for next without any occasion make him feel how important he is to you n how a small difference in his behaviour affects you. This will work trust me 😊. Let me know if it does.
You’re implying that I haven’t done all of this.
I am always there for him, bring up lots of understanding for his differences and that he needs more space than others might need. I make him feel special, we have our little routines etc.
I hear what you mean about being his “go to” person, when he’s looking for things that calm him down and help him to zoom out.
But it’s not the same for everyone. When he’s got shutdowns he hasn’t got any energy for social interactions, doesn’t matter how much he cares about them. He barely finds the energy to do anything.
I tried a lot.
Unconditional love is all nice, but if you don’t get reassurance, you start to struggle to carry on. To keep trying.
I want to make it work, but it takes two.
And I’m afraid that we won’t be able to make it work.
I read you said we, the 50% of this we belongs to him n tbh you are doing a fantastic job at your end, I know things are tough but he has to understand this n you have to tell him all of this , n if he continues to do so than trust me, you deserve someone better, love is about the bond not about an individual. You are a great human person who invest in relation, not everyone can do that n biggest example is your boyfriend, you deserve more than this.
Everyone has different needs. My boyfriend goes periods without talking to me and I’ve learned to deal with it.
When I tell people that, they say they could never do it.
It takes strength to understand what someone does and why they do that. If you can’t accept him at his worst, just leave and find someone you think is more compatible to your love language.
“just leave […]”
For me it’s not ‘just’ leave.
We have acknowledged that our love language is different and made it work.
I want this relationship to work because it’s worth it in my eyes.
I just don’t want to be shutout.
And I know that the ultimate ending looks like it won’t work. Our needs are too different.
But I love him, and to accept we’re not compatible hurts.
I don’t want things to end…
