Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

its currently 6:13 and I’ve slept for 4 hours, I’ve been at a sleepover for 2 days now and it seems like I am having fun, its with my 3 close friends which sometimes I feel they understand me and other times I feel like they don’t understand the pain I am going through but I like to smile so I don’t get asked what’s wrong with me, everyday of summer break has been hell.
I started going to the gym not too long ago to try and help with my mental health and it has helped but sadly I feel like I don’t have any motivation lately.
its all because she found someone better, not a day goes by where I don’t think about her.
and we loved each other even though we weren’t a “thing” but we still loved each other,
and this blonde guy, an athlete comes out of nowhere and decides to take her away from me.
and you know maybe that’s a good thing because she can be happy but damn I really wanted to be that person, she was my everything. the reason I woke up and looked forward to school,
she’s the one I have dreams about and then when I wake up I regret waking up because I was so happy. and I know this sounds corny but fuck man, no girl ever makes me feel this way.
not long ago I tried to kill myself, my dad is the only one who knows about it and now hates my for it I am pretty sure.
my brother has been trying to look after me and sometimes I realise that he is calling me and don’t pick up on purpose because at times I don’t like to overshare with people, everyday I think about sleeping and not waking up yet no one knows how I try feel.
I think I might be depressed, never thought id say that. ;(
ive played sports for the most of my life and I feel like its helped a lot, but recently I started smoking and id never thought that id ever get into that shit because my dad smokes a lot and it fucks my head up thinking one day that maybe my sons will group without a grandpa, like I didn’t , but my memories of my grandpa are all happy sometimes I dream of him and feel like its a sign that he’s watching over me or something, I wanted to show him all the things I did and just listened to him as he said he was proud of me, and no one has ever told me something like that.
All I really wanted to hear from her was “I am so proud of you, and I love you”, sometimes I feel like if she did the small stuff that she would make my day so much better without her even that small thing just made my day even perhaps my week, I just want to hug her man fucking hell.