it’s 5 in the morning, I can’t sleep cuz I slept all day long. my father isn’t very understanding of my grief. I lost my mother almost two months ago. he lost the love of his life too. both my brother and I live far from home so he’s basically all alone. I can’t imagine what he’s going through. we all are struggling, some more than others.
the guilt is eating me up, I’m an 18-year-old who, like most teenagers, was a dick to her mother and now I don’t get to fix it. it was the only thing I asked of her on her death bed: to get better so I can fix everything. time wasn’t on my side and she passed that same night.
I put on a brave face in front of my family, I’ve always been the life of the party and I try to still be fun so they won’t worry about me when really, I’m a mess and barely holding on. in college, my real life, I’m tired and exhausted, always drained. I still smile though and it’s forced. whenever I actually feel happy, the following days will be from hell. I don’t feel understood and therefore feel alone in my world. my brother, a very supportive and strong figure in my life, suggested I see a therapist but I know damn well what my father’s response will be so I didn’t even bring it up. my wires are all tangled up and I can’t keep a straight thought for long: always daydreaming and zoning out in class.
writing this, I hesitate to share it and think that maybe it’ll be better if it’s just in the pages of my journal.
Don’t be so hard on yourself you are just 18. We both are of the same age so I understand your feeling. I know I cannot feel it but I do understand the rush of feelings. If you feel guilty of being a dick to your mother then write it all down in a sheet and hide it. You may feel better. And if you need to talk you can tell me we’ll figure a way to talk to each other. :)
writing is my thing since always. now more than ever, I rely on it to bring me some clarity. besides writing in my journal, I write her letters all the time, I feel like it’s my connection to her, frankly more than praying (I’m not supposed to say that, but it’s the truth). they say that she has forgiven me and so I should forgive myself, but it’s easier said than done. thanks for the support, I really appreciate it.
