It may not be as bad as the other days. Maybe it’s because I’m really tired and exhausted, both - mentally and physically. So in return I don’t have the capacity to be stressed, the only thing my brain can think of is sleep and rest. Thanks to my sleeping pattern and time, which is about 6 to 3 hours long, depending on how much I’m not happy with myself that day. Nothing changes. I still do all my school work at the last minute with big tears and still treat myself with internet, when I shouldn’t. Because the internet is a place I can run to at times feeling unhappy and not wanting to face my problems or challenges. I hope the graduation comes soon, because I want to start to do what I want. But what if I go into the same cycle again? I won’t be surprised, because I don’t see meaning in my life. What am I doing? I know I won’t do a classical good paying and ‘‘successful’’ job, even when I have the brains for it, because I would just kill myself from the unhappiness and boredom I would be in. The jobs I want to do won’t do any good to people as well as won’t pay my life expenses.
The only reason I’m this low in life is do to my self sabotaging and my thoughts. I don’t have any problems with bad relationships except for the relationship I have with myself.
I’ve felt very similar for a long time. I’m graduating undergrad in a week and I feel no type of pride or satisfaction from enduring years of stress. I’m following my dreams of becoming a great chemist and starting my PhD program in a month which is something I’ve wanted to do my whole life. These things are coming to fruition, yet I can’t feel good about them or myself. It’s like there’s this intangible thing that I’m always grabbing out but can never reach. I can never seem to forgive myself for things either. I’ve failed many courses, been arrested twice, hurt a girl I had a crush on for two years, and eventually my mental health issues pushed away my girlfriend who left a month ago. These are things that constantly pop up in my head and I can never seem to let go. Forgiving yourself is hard. Just remember that you’re not alone in feeling this way. Life is hard there’s no way around that. The best you can do is hold on because one day I know you’ll look back on everything and you’ll marvel at all you’ve created. Keep searching for that thing that lights the fire inside you and never let it go. Be certain It’s looking for you, so don’t give up on it!
Thank you for sharing your experience and for the nice words! Hearing from someone, who has felt similar, reassures me that I’m really not alone and there is someone that will understand me and someone else in some way.
