Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

It is going to be a long story. When I was in first grade (this was in 2011), we had a laptop that only I used to fidget with. I have always been creative and liked to fidget with stuff. As a teenager now, I am usually the most creative in the room. When everyone at home slept in the afternoon, I used to sit and browse on the laptop. At a certain time, I came across intimate pictures of women. I started to dig deeper without knowing what it meant.I was even wise enough to know how to delete the search history. I used to sit every afternoon on my laptop and fidget. This eventually led a 7-year-old to a porn site. I didn’t know what it was then but when i look back now i realise everything. I don’t remember what was my reaction at those media but i used to just sit there every afternoon and visit the sites (remember this was in 2011 and the internet was very different from what it is now) . One time i came across a video (which i still remember clearly) where the couple starts kissing each other on the couch and suddenly the female falls on the ground and collapses. There is blood coming out of her head which has spread all over the ground. I clearly don’t remember what happened after that but i guess i started to panic. I told my family that i was not feeling good. When my father and grandfather came home at night they could see that i was having difficulty breathing. They took me to a hospital and i had to be admitted there for a night. This was my first asthma attack. After that, as long as i can remember i have always been sick. I still carry an inhaler with me where ever i go. After this incident I started to feel really sad. I was always crying. I used to imagine my parents dying who loved me so much. Everyone was shocked that why such a little boy who does not even know about death is crying imagining his parents die. Whenever i met someone new, i became so emotionally attached to them that i would cry when they left. Instead of showing me to a psychologist my family would consult me from Pandits or Pujaaris. They used to conduct many Havans for me and pray. Because we lived in a small town but we were pretty stable financially, my family sent me to one of the best boarding schools in India in 5th grade in order to provide me best education. I was very shy as a teenager. I was socially awkward. I was scared to talk to people. I have too much anxiety even on the smallest things. I was considered a nerd and rarely was considered part of any conversation. I had a very weak mindset. I started loving art like music,paintings, architecture, poetry, engineering which helped me escape from the real world. I still play guitar or listen to music when i need to cope up with my anxiety. I gathered myself in 2020 when i first wave of covid hit. I worked on my mindset and my physique. I had good grades, started composing music, started going to gym. When i went back to school after almost an year, i was praised. People said that i was good looking, attractive, creative, had a good personality. But certain people (the so-called “jocks” of the batch) started felt insecure. They looked for the smallest moment to catch me mess up and bully me. I eventually messed up too badly with them (that is another long story) and they started to bully me, mock me in public, told everyone not to talk to me, etc. This was during the end of the academic year and i was most probably not coming back next year because i had to pursue another studies which were not offered in the school. This was very traumatic for me because i was rarely going to see my classmates again and had to leave on a bad note. I have too much regret and i think about how i should have lived my life in school everyday. Its been almost one year since i left but i am still not over it because i never made new friends after that. I have too much anxiety even on the smallest things like selecting a meal, greeting people, etc. I am scared to talk to people when they approach me. I am too scared to share my feelings with anyone. When i really like a girl or any person and i somehow try to be with them, all i get is anxiety and insecurity. I am rarely happy and whenever i am, the happiness does not lasts long enough.