Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I’m the kind of person to run away every time something feels right, I have set my mind to run away from my problems for as long as my body can take it and if I can take it to my grave even better. I know what I should do, I know what’s best but I’m too weak so i chose the easiest path, to escape. Even when I know it does no good, even when I know I’m just being dumb. I’m the kind of person to ghost people and isolate myself from the world every time I get overwhelmed which happens quite often. I even went to the extent of disappearing from someone’s life for 4 years, I never explained why I left, I never bothered saying goodbye, I just did bc something in my messed up mind told me it was the best thing I could do even if deep down i knew i was making a huge mistake, I was too scared to do anything else. I get hurt very easily, certain words remain engraved in my heart for years even if i know it probably didn’t mean much. Every time I get the courage to be myself I feel judged by everyone, I feel like everyone hates me. I know it’s mostly just in my head but i still feel like it’s true so i just tend to hide myself in order not to get hurt, i don’t trust my heart to other people for the same reason either, bc im terrified of getting hurt, I also can’t stand rejection.
I give up immediately after something doesn’t work out, I suddenly don’t want to do that ever again. I have to be the best at everything I do and if I can’t be the best I just quit. I have too much pride to accept failure and things not going the way I planned so I just fake it until I make it except I never make it. I never express my feeling to the people im close to so they kind of just think I’m this emotionless heartless person that has no empathy and cares about absolutely nothing, someone who lives easily. My family and closest friends haven’t seen me cry in years yet I can’t recall a day I did not cry. Every day for the past 6 years approx, i have cried, every single day. I’m a coward that ruins everything, I’m selfish bc i only think about what others will think, and I’m a horrible person cuz I even gave up the most important person in my life because of it.