Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I’m such a selfish person I hurt people that i love and who love me for me just to be liked by others who don’t. No matter how many excuses I try to give the reality i can’t deny is that I’m just selfish always thinking of what’s better for me and what others will think about it. I hate myself for this because even doing this im not happy, It doesn’t make things better or easier at all but it’s become a habit i can’t seem to break. I know what i should do and i don’t need anyone to tell me but i just don’t know how to do that. I’ve spend my life being nothing more than a coward who only knows how to run away, and that has always been comfortable enought for me to keep going but im starting to get tired, the fact that i’ve made it this far is already concerning but what can i do? idk.
Anyway, I simply don’t deserve you, you deserve someone as amazing as you are and the reality is that im not that at all yet. Sorry if this is selfish too, i don’t want you to understand me, pls don’t do it actually cuz i know you will try to but i’d rather you just hate me, i don’t want you to be in pain bc of someone like me. I’ll deal with it on my own and come back when im a greater person. I’ll understand if by then it’s already too late, so don’t worry about me and just live your life the way you deserve to, not with me bc i’d only stop you and i’d never want to be the one to ruin it for you.