I'm scared of life..of all its sufferings..all its hardship..all the competition..everything and anything that I have to do to survive..the need for money,the need for getting the best job..the need to be the best always,the need to make parents proud....I feel suffocated and drained just by the thought of it..i wish i could be happy and stress free always..it's too much to ask for but I'm done stressing over everything..

Anxiety

Radhe radhe 

Other

When I was in college (18-20 years) of age I'd mNy guy friends(5-6) with whom I used to talk daily over call or message or both (at different times)
There was nothing romantic from my side, some of them did develop feelings for me later on. 
I'm sure we didn't eve rtalk anything romantic.
It's like, you finally start believing that you've a male bestfriend to rely on but they eventually turn out to be something else.
But my concern is, is having so many close guy friends at same or different time, morally wrong? Or something abnormal? Should I be ashamed?
Should I be guilty? If yes, how should I move on from that?


Friends

“Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.” -Carl Sagan

Mindfulness

i see humans but not humanity.


I don’t even know how to start. Maybe from the beginning but it got that that point that I really don’t know where it all started. Basically I have been in tons of tinder and bumble dates. Most of them become my friends. Some of them I hook up and a few of them I have sex with. So in January I went on one and we got along we kissed but I wasn’t feeling it. In February I went to another it was better we got along we had like 3 date but I am almost 36 so when I see the red flags I quickly run. At least I thought I did. 

This month, I met another guy from bumble and it all went very weird. First he would never ask to add me on WhatsApp even though we talked a lot. Then he was making plans to come to my city (like 1 hour from his) to sort some bureaucracy and we made plans to meet. So I was like “maybe you should add me on WhatsApp” and he was like “yeah ok”. When he added me I saw that the number was from the US instead of UK as he previously said he was from, weird. And he sent me a video saying that he was looking forward to see me and that his name was different from the one he used on the app. I thought that was weird as well but he did say that he lived in America (and other parts of the world before) and I knew some people that changed the name on the app. We did get along well so I just thought we will just meet for a drink and it couldn’t make any harm. I have been living on my own for 4 months and on lockdown so it would be nice to see someone after things didn’t work with the other guy. So we arranged to meet at 2:45pm he sent me a message around 2pm saying that he was heading there because he sorted his papers already. So I got there at 3pm and he wasn’t there, I had to do some volunteering work that he said he would do with me so I just thought he changed his mind and as his phone is from the US and blocked with no local carrier no data I could not message him. So I went to my volunteering and he messaged me a few minutes later from Wi-fi connection. I explained I left already and he said he was upset that he was on the place he thought we were supposed to meet (I sent the directions correctly but he was in a different place). Anyway on my way back from the volunteering we decided to meet to see one of the touristic places here and have some wine. We got the wine but the place was closed so we decided to go to another one. When we were going to the place a random drunk guy stopped us on the street to ask if we speak English and if we could help him to find the address he needed to go. The guy I was with was super rude but I wanted to help, so the drunk guy called someone from my phone got the right address I got it on my gps and we walked the drunk guy home. The guys I was with was saying all the time that it was nice of me but he wouldn’t have helped the drunk guy, that he would have told him some truths about drinking. I think it’s pointless the drunk guy just needed help and that’s all. Anyway, we then got a Uber and went to the other place that is near my place. We carry on drinking we didn’t have much in common but we had a laugh together and we decided to have a smoke. I really like weed and it settles my stomach when I feel drunk so sounded good to me. I was with this guy that was cool having a few drinks a joint sounded like a perfect closure for the day. So we bought some from the guys and came back to smoke at mine. We carry on talking listening to music smoking drinking, we ordered pizza. Everything was fine. Until it got to a point that I just don’t remember anything. I remember we started dancing but not close together with him just like normal. 

Then I woke up completely naked on my bed with him fucking me hard. I was still drunk and could not react so I just said where is the condom he said it’s too late for that so I said please don’t come inside of me. After that I had a lot of pain in my head so I went to the toilet to pee and smoked another joint as this normally helps when I feel like this. I went back to bed and passed out again, he tried again and I said no and he did stop. I woke up a few hours later and told him to leave. He left. The blackout from the night prior kept in my head. 

I could not stop thinking about it so I talked to him about, he was all like let’s meet today again I will cook you dinner he made a video of the Airbnb he was staying and said that he would come back. I didn’t go of course I couldn’t talk much to him but I wanted to be nice as I was trying to figure out what happened. So basically he told me that we were dancing and he tried to kiss me but I said no so he kind of insisted and I ended up kissing him. After that we sat on the sofa and I said I was going for a nap and he said just came with. He said we didn’t have sex because he was too drunk and could not get a hard on, but other stuff happened. He said he was sober and remembers everything. When I asked about the condom he said he just thought I was on the pills and that I checked regularly. 

That didn’t go down well at all. He obviously just wanted to have sex without a condom. So he decided to do whatever he did to me while I was unconscious and without a condom. I can’t stop thinking about it, I of course don’t reply to him anymore. I judged myself so much, how could I be so stupid? I took the morning after pill. I worked. I took showers. I cleaned the sheets. I cleaned the flat. But I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel so guilty for this, I feel so shit. How could I put myself in such a danger? Why didn’t I kicked him out before? 

The worst part is that I deleted the app like I don’t want to meet anyone like him anymore but then I download again because I am just so lonely. I deleted again. I have no one to talk about this, I am so scared of the judgement even from my therapist. I can’t sleep and I have been over compensating with food. I can’t talk to my family, I am super close to them they will notice that something is wrong and I cannot tell them this. I don’t have many friends but received a few messages and replied trying to make sure no one notice. I have been watching tv videos on my phone anything to get out of my head. But it’s always trigger. I tried to meditate but it was impossible to not think about it. My birthday is tomorrow and I will need to meet my family and talk to some at the phone. I really don’t know how I can handle this. I didn’t even open my windows today. I just want to stay in bed. I just want to go back in time and never meet this guy. I just want this pain to go away. 

raat ke sapne hai
Din mein bhula diye jaatein hai
Yaa bhulwa diye jaatein hai

3am Thoughts

When i close my eyes
 all I can see is a forest, a burning forest..
Surrounded by some poisonous smoke,
The smoke is so dense that I can't even see the flames of that fire, I can't see the light of any burning substance..
But, I can feel this heat around me i can even sniff my burning hairs..
Maybe i won't survive this fire, 
Its just the matter of some seconds and I would be burning into this hell,
Or maybe I could survive with the scars, the bruises and a severe lung disease..
but this one thing is for sure that me and the forest won't be the same..

love my friend works out the same way, 
You may survive or you may not even exist..

Just asked a coulleague -
When is your birthday?

Replied - March 1st

Weird I think, but nevermind,

I will take a walk around desk and ask again....

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts