Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I’m sad. There’s this girl who I love, our 3 year anniversary was in November. Everything felt like it was so good in our relationship. And for 2 years it was so perfect. Some friends even said like a fairytale. She is a lot older then me, and had been married in the past. She had been acting off, almost like she was trying to find things to argue about. And we never used to really argue. But she had been nit picking at little things she’s never cared about before. Etc. I felt something was up so I had went through her phone. Only to see there was a text to her ex wife, “you should have let me rub you down.” It’s been 2 weeks since I saw that and I have just grown so much sadder. I was diagnosed with MDD and BPD and have been trying to manage it, with tips I received from tons of counseling. But god it’s just so hard now. She proposed to me a couple of days after and I said yes. I just hate this because I love her so much, and we have been talking about getting married for a while. And this would be my first time getting married, so why not with someone I’m absolutely in love with? But now I just can’t help but be sad. We talked about it since then and she said she was just joking and how it was a joke. But you don’t joke like that with your ex! You don’t, it’s practically a universal rule. And I told her I couldn’t trust her anymore, especially in talking with her. and she said “I know but ever since We got engaged I haven’t.” Like okay so you act like we weren’t together a whole 2 years before that. And we were friends before we even got together. So I’m just feeling incredibly betrayed right about now. And kicking myself why I even said yes. Even more so, because why did she wait till now to even propose??? Because she just didn’t want to lose me and this is her last Hail Mary? Am I just overreacting? I don’t even know at this point and it’s giving me a headache. My heart is just hurting wondering I deserved it. Because to me, it sounds like she cheated with her ex wife. And all of this just has me crying my eyes out tonight. 🤧😢