I’m not feeling so good today so I thought I’d try this website out.
An event that happened to me 6 years still reoccurs in my head like a nightmare. Remembering what he did to me. The worst part? Nobody on my side. Instead of a school of hugs and care everyone made fun of me for being sexually assaulted, and, well, I don’t find it as funny. I watched Joker for the first time last night and got so into it that I felt almost comparable to The Joker in a way? If that makes sense? Just because The Joker was a little different than your average person people treated him differently before even knowing the guy. Completely harmless until one day he’s had enough of the bullying and fake friends and gets his revenge. I wouldn’t commit the crimes he did, but I don’t blame him for how he acted and why he did it.
Sorry that this happened to you. What happened and what is your life like these days
When I was 15 I was “groomed” by a man twice or more my age. I thought he was a friend that helped out when I needed it like money or if I was hungry, etc. well yeah, he wasn’t my friend. He ended up taking advantage of me in a hotel room. Got me drunk and being drunk I wasn’t aware of where I was or what was going on but he was making me smoke these drugs and and he took advantage and raped me. Due to the drugs I couldn’t just sleep it off I stayed up all night after that. I remember the day to this day, Labor Day weekend and I was just a sophomore.
How I am now?
I still replay that night in my head sometimes. Do I have suicidal thoughts? Sometimes I have. I’m not a social person at all, I’m always quiet around people. I get in the random mood swings to where I’m down in the dump and I start rethinking everything in my life and my choices and if I’ve made the right choices. It makes me rethink my marriage an everything. It sucks.
No one should go through what you had to. That age itself is so innocent that mind can’t see the manipulation going in front of it. You’re certainly not to blame yourself. I’m hoping you had therapy after that and if not and if feasible do consider that option. Don’t pay heed to what and how others reacted to your pain as you & only you have the responsibility to take care of your mental well-being.
It perfectly okay to be quiet around and not talk because unless you really want to do this, it all becomes meaningless. You have to start writing things down whenever you feel yourself falling again(trust me, writing is the best way to feel better).
You definitely don’t have to rethink your life over and over as its the present that matters the most. You mentioned marriage in the end so I’m guessing you have an awesome person with you who loves you with all his heart. Try to pull yourself out of your past not just for you but for him. Just imagine how painful it must’ve been for him as well to see you like this sometimes. Never fall into the trap of overthinking, always keep grinding towards anything you like(it can be studies, cooking, sport, coal-mining…whatever you think gives you even 1% of enjoyment while doing). You’ve an awesome life ahead of you and I can’t stress this enough how much of a beautiful life you’re going to have. Keep sharing!!
Thank you so much for your kind words! I don’t have friends to share these things with but strangers always have the best advice!😀
Yeah, we rock😄. And don’t shy from writing/sharing, happy to put a smile in someone’s life.
