Im feeling happy for sometime and sad for sometime,. I used to think about my mistakes and my mindset and feeling sad, not able to study , and live a life i used to be earlier. I used to be very happy and not brother about my problems and i deal with peacefully now iam changed im thinking about everyone and feeling sad, what should i do

1)talking to someone
2)Riding and trips with friends or family members
3)playing with kids and watching movies and playing games
4) loves to smile and see funny videos, and watches scifi , historical videos
But im not feeling any interest in this things and feeling dizziness and my head heavier and feels like falling aside

Mood Disorder

I wish I could hide from the world. 

3am Thoughts

I haven't been everywhere.
But it's on my mind 

Coming Out

Would anyone care, 
If I disappear tonight. 
Leave the world forever, 
And come to nobody's sight. 

Would anyone remember me, 
When I suddenly vanish. 
Or is it  just me with the memories, 
That my mind won't let it finish. 

Would anyone try to reach out, 
And try to help. 
Out of anyone they could ever doubt, 
It was me who buried myself. 

Would anyone come to see me off, 
Or they'll feel lucky I fell. 
And celebrate it with a scoff, 
When I go back to hell. 


Poetry

so im going to vent ready.

So i am fucked, well my life was going great a few months ago everything was amazing, friends, family, school, body, love i mean fucking perfect. But then everything changed. So first up, i have a condition ( which i did not know in that time) which can give me depression, low energy, it can mute my  feelings etc. I started to feel weird but i didn't really pay attention, but i got wos and wors, i had to fake a smile, i did really feel anything, happy, sad, nothing. Then my friends al of a fucking nothing left me, like really fucking left me. And it hurt, it hurt bad. they were going out and talking shit. AND the worst of all has that it hurt because I really made a connection with them we went on trips together with some i talk all day like 24/7 I told them really deep thing but one day they just left. My depression got bad, I didn't eat, sleep or leave my bed, and i gained weight ( which is also a symptom of the thing i have) so know i have body dysmorphia and i fantasies about cutting my fat so my body can look perfect . then i got diagnosed and they told me like this pills will make you happy again. And that crushed me. I NEED FUCKING PILLS FOR THE REST O MY LIFE TO ME HAPPY. if 1 day i don't take them i don't feel like myself again and that makes me scared because my family has a history with bipolar disease and i am fuck scared that maybe i am bipolar, maybe that i was a bad diagnosis. and i can't shake  the feeling of not feeling, it felt so weird, and wholow like what the fuckwas wrong with me. 

That all for today so yeah bye.

Body Dysmorphia

I worry a lot and do mistakes a lot in nearly everything. Nothing goes fine by me.

Not sure why but Taylor Swift's love story is making me get happy whenever I listen to it😍
Hearing her heartbreak songs to this song which is filled with love that in her voice may be a reason too❤️‍🔥💯

Music

feeling lonely and need someone to talk to :( my life has really been a mess. there's so much going on in every aspect. work is a mess, my relationships are a mess. I'm always feeling lonely because even my friends don't talk to me anymore. I have to keep chasing them and it just feels so one-sided, like im the only one willing to put in an effort. I have no one to talk to about all of this either. im everyday fighting with my family, and it's been hell living at home. im feeling lonely, need someone to talk to. I feel like there is literally no one I can turn to right now. every night before I go to sleep, I have all these thoughts in my head that result in a spiral. it is like my eyes are so tired and heavy, and my body keeps asking me to sleep, making me drowsy and what not but my brainn is just so awake that I cant fall asleep at all. I tried therapy too but I havent been able to find a therapist yet that suits me. I try telling my parents ans sister about it but they keep telling me im doing drama and being too sensitive for no reason. I literally keep feeling so lonely because have no one to talk to. they know im depressed still they keep saying all of this to me. who do I talk to about all of this when the people I thought I could turn to also dont seem to understand me and my struggles? I told my mom, work is stressful she said just leave the job. how is that a solution??? what do I do?

Lonely

I feel extremely lost and useless. I have no specific reason to live. have been doing a job i hate bcz of no other option. 
I lost my father in 2018 And now  my mom passed away in April. She was the only reason for me to live. She was my hope, my everything. Now I'm orphan & all alone. 
I have no genuine friends. For the sake of it I have 3 friends but they only talk to me as per their convenience.  I feel like I belong no where. There is no one who understands me. 

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