Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I’m doing this for first time… So I really don’t know what I going through… In 8th I had relationship with a guy everything was good… Then we became intimate… He used to come and we make out and that’s it he goes… But still he didn’t changed he used to spend a lot of time with me talking to me he use to do many stuff that really made me feel very happy but yeah intimacy was alright for me… He was 18 and yeah being intimate is sometimes important… he was too possessive bout me he used to appoint kids to spy me to check what I’m doing going or with whom I’m talking… one day I didn’t went to school that day next day I get to hear that my guy proposed a girl and every single child was telling me this even that girl came to me and said ask ur guy to leave me alone he proposed me in front of everyone… I didn’t believed anyone because I trust him a lot… But then when I asked him he said one of his friend used his Insta account to propose that girl and he didn’t proposed that girl… I asked his friend he said no in front of him that he didn’t do anything… He admitted that he did… I got crazy that day I was trusting someone like him so long… A boy in my school was asking me for date with me I went and kissed him(the biggest mitake)… And my boyfriend found out about this… next day he beaten that boy with his belt so badly in front of everyone… he was not talking to me at all… then after some time we both forgive each other and continued… Because of our relationship I had many problems with my parents… They caught us talking texting… I never let anything to go to his house… 8months before I got a call he said where r you taking my boyfriend’s name… And my dad attended that call… It’s been 3.5 years and I could recognise his voice it was him… Then I decided it’s enough I broke up with him and he asked for a last chance… But no I had enough… Then I have a guy best friend who recently broke up with his girlfriend… He said we both r single now and we are not willing to fall in love or be in relationship so he asked me to be his friend while giving him physical satisfaction… But I’m such a stupid I just couldn’t be with him like that I said I like u and I would like to date u he said no first then said yes we broke up after 2days then again we started dating… and after 2days it ended again… Then the 3rd time now… When we talk online I’m the person actually talks he don’t have anything to talk… when we meet in person we never talk much it starts with a kiss then it goes to far and then we talk he talks about his ex… I asked a dozen times if he was over him he said yes I’m not sure… And now miss my ex a lot I am feeling regret y I left him… I miss him every single day… But I know it’s too late… I feel so bad when I look at myself I hate myself I lost myself I lost my childhood my innocence everything… Wish I could go back and change… Wish I could share more about myself that y I started being okay with being intimate but I just don’t have guts to say anything… I’m sure I’ll never commit suiside but I’m killing myself every day regretting feeling guilty… this is just my mistake…
What should I do now I have no idea…