Thought

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Anonymous

I’m an year older than her. And I don’t have a strong financial background. Which I believe is the only reason it couldn’t work between us.
Although I had enough to visit her once a month, take her out to parks and nice restaurants, book hotel, sometimes buy her a gift but I couldn’t do this as often as other boys who were trying on her did.
I am doing my graduation in computer science. Seeing the situation, I focused on my work. Six months back, I started earning. In six months, I went from 20 dollars to 500 dollars a month with my freelancing as part time.
I know 500 is not enough but in countries like India and other Asian countries, it is more than enough just for one person. All of my other expenses are paid by my parents so this was enough for me.

Well, I did that all for her, so that I could meet her more often, buy her nice gifts and have better future with her bcz I know it is connected with money.

Now that she’s gone, I really miss her. I lost motivation to work. I’m trying to put myself together. Trying to follow the planned path but there is no motivation. I was planning to go to 1500 to 2000 at least in the next 6 months and 5K+ in two-three years. I believe in myself,
I’m learning new technologies one after another. I was also working on launching my own product. I could give her all she wanted if she had waited a little longer. But now that, she’s gone. And tbh, that’s fine. Maybe it is supposed to be like this, but I am unable to stop thinking about her. I try to continue my courses but hardly give it two three hours. I just lay there in the bed and keep thinking about her. It is been 10 days and there was not a single day when I didn’t dream of her. In my dreams, I see the happy moments we had together.
I know it is kind of childish. I try to convince myself with logic that we were never a good match, I have a whole life ahead, I can meet more people and find a better match. Also I can make my career better. There are a lot of thoughts. But they aren’t working as they used to do in the past. That’s why I’m writing this here. Give me some motivation, maybe a different perspective, so that I can get some motivation and make my life.
(Really long detail of our relationship is in comment. I didn’t write it here bcz some people might not be interested.,)

1 reply

BCSF20M538-MUHA... @myananymousname

I met a girl on Facebook 3 years back. We talked day and night, I supported her through “her” ups and downs and all.
We were from different cities. Then she moved to another city for University. I asked her to take admission in my city bcz she had a choice but she refused. Till this point, we had never met. Not bcz I couldn’t go to meet her, but bcz she was living in her home and here in my country, you cannot just go and meet a girl like that, in small cities. There are eyes on you, and she didn’t want her name to be whispered, so I respected that.
I always trusted her, probably my bad, but I never imposed any restrictions. I am that kind of person who gives his all and expect other person to value that and behave. So, I never asked her who she’s talking to.

She moved to a new city. I was planning to go to meet her in a week so that she could get time to settle there first. But on second day, a boy she was talking to, her brother’s class fellow, asked her to meet. She told me and asked if she could go. And said he is a friend. I could see in her tone that she wanted to go, and maybe enjoy as she was new in the city, so I didn’t say anything, I said you are grown up and wise, so it is your decision. She met him, they got late and curfew Time of the hostel passed. So they just went to mountain areas. It is like two hour drive. They stayed there for a night, enjoyed the day there and came back the next day.
She said she only kissed him. And that was not intentional. It really hurt me. I could see in her talkings that she really liked him so I took a step back, wished them luck and stopped talking to her.

Three four months passed, she texted me crying and said she had sex with him, it was her first time. And it wasn’t a good experience. She also took birth control pill afterwards and somehow it reacted and now she’s not feeling good. And ofc she can’t tell at her home.

She said that boy asked her again and again, they were fighting and all, and she let him do it in Anger. It was kind of forced but she consented in pressure.

And now she wants to leave him and come back to me and she’s sorry. I used to miss her a lot bcz I was really attached to her so I said fine. She was on holidays at her home. So I waited for a month, things got smooth again, she went back to University, I had exams at that time so I had to wait like 15 more days and then I went to meet her for the first time.

We were out there, sitting on the stairs of some restaurant on the mountain and she told me that she had sex with him again on the day she came back to the city. And she’s sorry and all. And she don’t want me to leave Bcz I’m really good friend. I really wanted to get up and leave but she started crying and said she has emotional troubles, because her father passed few months back. And she do it bcz it gives her escape. I hugged her and said it’s alright.

There is a distance of 500-600km between our cities, I had to go, travel this much, and come back at the same day, just to hear this. On my return, I was literally crying that why would she do this to me.
I didn’t go to her, She herself came back, but for what? Hurt me the same again?
She broke up with him but still shared bed with him like once or twice a month. We were not in relationship either so that wasn’t a problem. We used to have all night long conversations and all. I strictly asked her not to mention his name in conversation so that I don’t get triggered.
Bcz of these conversations, we got close again. We met again, and this time when we met, she told me about another boy who was trying on her. She said she will marry him if he asks. Bcz he’s from well off family and all. Well, that boy was a player and left her. But it again hurt me that I came this far to meet her and she’s telling me about other boys who she loves.

After a month, we had a fight, she said she will visit me and sort things out. She came the next day. I payed all the expenses, took her out. Enjoyed empty roads at 2 at night. Went to parks and restaurants.
She said she loves me now, and she really stopped having sex with that guy.

I started visiting her once a month bcz that’s all I could afford that time.
We visited each other couple of times and we literally broke bed every time. Got drunk with her, smoked marijuana and stuff that I normally never do but she likes it so we did together.

Although we did that all but we were not in relationship this time. She was meeting other dudes, hanging out with them and dumping them. I hated that so she said she wasn’t having sex with them so it doesn’t matter. Let her enjoy her life and stop being over possessive.

Two months back, she went to a party, got drunk, took ecstasy (NDMA) and had one night stand with some middle aged man.
Again crying baby and excuses that it happened bcz she was drunk , although she knew it was going to happen while taking pill and getting drunk. She said she really enjoyed it, it was the best and all. Then gave excuses that what you expect from a girl who has no religion, no relationship and doesn’t believe in social values.

Although when we met again, she hugged me and started crying that she shouldn’t have done it. It’s bad and has affected her a lot. She can’t imagine to do it with stranger, etc.

At this point, I made my mind that we have no future. My sacrifice and compromise to this point was all in vain.

I used to do most of her assignments, valued her study over mine and taught her every night. Although it was not my field but I first understood it and then taught her.

Two weeks back ,I was helping her in studies, we were talking and she said look, I have left all the boys, I’m not bad. There are only 3 boys I talk to now a days, one is you, one is her brother’s class fellow that she met first and now he’s really good but just a friend and there’s a third boy she sometimes hang out with but she doesn’t care if he leaves.
I had started earning this time so I had some money. We planned to go to visit tourist places on vacation for a week after her exams. We planned everything. I thought it will help us to connect better again.

But after 3-4 days of our last meeting, she met that boy, and made relationship with him, not physical, but told him that she will marry him and leave all other boys as he was getting angry over it. I said fine and I left.

She again texted me two days after and asked to help her in studies. She said that boy was not of her standard. Although he had a nice car, property and all, and was handsome, but it was all earned by his father. Her brother also didn’t approve bcz he never went to University.
So, she has left him now.

I said fine, but I couldn’t connect connect to her the same way again.
The same week, her friend invited her to go out with her, her bf and his brother. Her bf’s brother started taking interest in her.
These all events happened in one month of time and really broke me. I already asked her multiple times to leave. I couldn’t do that myself bcz I still wanted her to become a nice girl and come back. Anyways, she met that boy and he started going crazy for her. He started taking her out everyday and she started staying overnight at his office. She told me that again she didn’t do anything, he’s like her brother bcz he’s 21 and she’s few months older than him. The next day she said, he’s just a friend. Third day, yes, I hug him and place my head on his lap and sleep on the same couch but nothing happened between us.
That was just too much toxicity for me and I blocked her.
she had exams and asked me just to stay for her exams and may leave after that as a last favor to her. Well, that boy, didn’t like me and asked her to stop talking to me, which thankfully she did.
Although it again felt bad that she preferred a man who she met 10 days ago over me who is with her for the last three years. But at least I got what I wanted. She told me that she had never seen me as her partner. We were just friends, and I’m just enjoying my life. You shouldn’t get upset bcz of it and all. Nevertheless, I left.

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