Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

i’m about to rant my heart out so here it goes.

i’ve been talking to this dude for three years now off and on. I started talking to him when I was a freshman in high school and now I’m about to enter my senior year. I was just a baby when we started talking, I’ve had many of my firsts with him. First kiss, first guy went to second base with, first guy I fell in love with. But the problem is I didn’t fall in love with him, I fell in love with a version of him that I created in my head. The version of him that I created in my head is sweet, kind, and caring. The real him can be that sometimes but only with evil intentions behind it. He always asks for nudes, to “get him off”. and for a long time I agreed to be friends with benefits because I thought that maybe, just maybe one day he would start to love me back and that it wasn’t really just one-sided for all this time. I act like I don’t care, like I’m heartless. And sometimes I genuinely don’t, it used to be worse but the past year I’ve learned that all I need is myself. But late at night when I’m by myself it’s exactly what I think about. I am so tired of being used for my body by all these boys. And I know I have sweet ones at my feet too, but as hard as I try I can never get myself to like them and I wish I knew why. Trust me, I would like them if I could but I just can’t seem to. I only like him. It’s always been him. I hate him so much that I still love him. He’s not even that cute, but I love every single one of his flaws. He thinks I’m dumb, that I don’t know what he’s doing. I know exactly what he’s doing and I am continuing to let it happen but for what? I couldn’t tell you. The end of my sophomore year before quarantine I went over to this one dudes house because I thought maybe he genuinely liked me. He acted sweet and kind in the beginning. I missed all the red flags and I don’t know why none of my friends told me anything. I went over to his house after school one day , We were watching sex education on Netflix. It’s a funny show. I had planned to maybe make out with him but nothing more than that. So we started to make out, and next thing you know he was pulling down his pants and we were at second base so I was like what the hell and I sucked his dick. Then he went down on me and it was the first guy that has ever gone down on me before and may I add he did horribly. But that’s besides the point, after that he was on top of me mind you both are pants are off. He asks “ can I?” knowing that I had never had sex before. I kind of mumbled a “sure” obviously looking uncomfortable. He did it anyway. I didn’t really want to. I was so glimpse in my body language should have told him that I obviously wanted him to stop but he never did and I wanted to say something but words couldn’t form and they never came out. I guess it wasn’t rape technically since I said sure but I wanted him to stop I was pushing him to get off of me but he was too heavy. I guess he didn’t realize. Am I just too nice of a person? Did I get raped? i’m crying writing this because I just don’t understand what happened to me. The next day at school he unadded me and told me he was getting back with his ex girlfriend and I haven’t spoken to him since. I haven’t wanted to speak to him anyways. he would do weird shit to me at school before that too. He grabbed my ass one time and it made me super uncomfortable which should have been obvious. Lots of things should have been obvious. But I guess some dudes are just too stupid to realize that. Or was that my fault as well? Then quarantine happened. i’m kind of glad that quarantine happened at the time it did. But at the same time I developed an eating disorder and lost about 30 pounds in a short period of time. I still struggle with an eating disorder, it’s not as bad as it was. But I get so mad at myself for eating too much. I ate a lot today and I feel like shit. then don’t get me started on my toxic ass household and family. I love my grandma with all my heart but she makes these little comments all the time with what I eat. I got a prom dress the other day and she said that I better watch what I eat until prom to make sure I still fit in it. I love that woman with all my heart but why does she have to do that? My dad doesn’t know how to hold a normal conversation without screaming at me . He will scream at me for 10 minutes straight and then come back five minutes later acting like nothing ever happened trying to love upon me. I will never marry a man like my father. Are there any good guys left? That I can actually like? Or maybe I’m doomed to be alone. These are the thoughts that keep me up at night, I wish they were happy ones. I miss being a little girl and having innocent thoughts before going to bed. Dreaming about pirate ships and mermaids and being so excited to go to school the next day and see my best friends. I don’t even go to school anymore, and my grades are horrible. We only have like a week of school left and I have no motivation to fix my grades whatsoever but I need to. I need to so I can get into a good college and move far far away get away from this life that I’m living now. that’s the sliver of hope that I’m holding onto. Because right now, and for the past few weeks I genuinely have not wanted to be on this earth. I’m staying for my best friend, dog, and grandma. And that small sliver of hope that one day I will have a new life.