i’m a 28yrs old man who’s currently unemployed and preparing for an examination for the administration service. the process usually takes around a year or 2 in best scenarios since it’s a nationwide examination and regarded as one of the toughest examination of the since the selection criteria is one of the lowest. the approach, preparation and sources are pretty much experimental for an individual and there is no guarantee that one clears in the 1st attempt itself unless one has a good guide and mentor who has already cracked it.
the days of preparation are probably the loneliest days that i’ve ever felt in life (this coming from the same person who didn’t go to anyone’s house or hang out with friends or even played any outside sports until around age 16 since he had severe asthmatic trouble. all i did and could do is watch tv).(also you can easily guess that dating and sex is already out of the question.)
presently all my peers are already working and even people 5-6 yrs younger to me started working. this pressure isn’t exactly the problem. and currently i can afford to hangout with any former colleague as it often will turn out quite expensive for an unemployed aspirant. yet, slowly and steadily, it’s inevitable that they all started ignoring me (not even considering for a seat filler) mostly maybe coz of the financial situation. (which i’d like to believe and hence i don’t blame any of them) i ended up with no confidant or confidante. my phone is almost useless since call history or messages are almost always empty and paying the bill seems meaningless as i hardly ever had to use it. nowadays, while going out for some chores i often forget to carry my phone (sometimes i wonder if it’s on purpose). all my internet needs can be easily accessible from my laptop. it’s been too long since i withered away from all social network contacts (now, i realise that it’s an lie that i’ve been feeding myself all these years). i don’t even get invited for bithdays and stuff (somehow this action made me hide my birthday from all the platforms that one could have access to. i got used to not getting wished on birthdays)
i ignore family function invites coz relatives are nothing but judgy characters.
and yes i live with my parents but i often expect them to one day wake me up from my sleep and throw me out. (even if i often cry myself to sleep almost everyday)(i took up watching anime, movies and playing games as a distraction from the constant self-loathe but it never helps. i’m very well aware that with those actions i’m rather running away from reality instead of facing them )
i even wonder if it would have been easier had i been in prison or in coma for the past 5 years coz what i’m doing right now is nothing less than dying (slowly but definitely)…these constant thoughts 24*7 lingers in my mind and every second feels stifling. i have no intentions of ending my life and even if i’m fully aware that i need to prioritize the upcoming exam, still it’s easier said than done. how does one even consider focusing when one now struggles to even breathe…
this is turning out to be quite long and random unreconstructed thoughts and emotions are just gushing in…so i’m stopping here for the time being…
Rajshree @rajshreemuthu
Loneliness is something that creeps into anyone lives, you can find busy people with the most extroverted life lonely and people who love solidarity being content with their own space, from what you have expressed it is pretty evident that you are clear with what is going on with you and around you, it is very crucial you clear space in your head and one best way to do it is discipline, my suggestion would be to start with a purpose every day, it can be as small as I am going out for a walk today to as big as I am going to start focusing on my preparations, I know it is really difficult when you aren’t able to breathe properly as you mentioned but that shouldn’t be stopping you from living life just the way it has been given to you, to live by yourself untethered is an art and that has been forced on you, frame yourself a suitable schedule and work consistently and the in the long run you will see significant changes, it is a daily effort and it doesn’t happen in a day, but sincerity takes you places and I hope the things that you are working on will work out and even if it doesn’t you will turn out just fine, just wake up every day and find a purpose to live even when no one is watching you or looking out for you, it is about living not existing, Hope this helped!
